Episode 70: Rebecca Chandler - Healing from Sexual Childhood Trauma

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Welcome to today's show,
everyone.

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You know, I love sharing stories
of healing.

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The healing journey is different
for everyone, yet I believe that

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we're drawn closer together when
we're able to listen without

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judgment to what somebody else
is brave enough to reveal about

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themselves.
And there are also lights that

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go off when something is
mentioned that may be helpful

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along the way way of your own
healing process.

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Now for those of you who are
listening that are still on a

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journey of healing from trauma,
particularly sexual abuse, this

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episode comes with a trigger
warning, so feel free to skip

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past any parts that might be a
bit distressing to you.

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We completely understand.
So what sort of life does a girl

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from a small town in the
Southern California mountains

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live after surviving years of
childhood abuse?

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Well, it's a rich, complicated
and expected one.

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After circling the sun for 53
years and living in LA, DC, New

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York, Egypt, Kenya, Dubai and
Singapore, my guest today,

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Rebecca Chandler, has amassed a
powerful story marked by

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personal growth and resilience.
Despite being diagnosed with

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trauma, complex PTSD, and
multiple personality disorder,

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Rebecca mentioned to see the
world establish a career as a

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global film and TV producer and
also write a few new books.

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Her journey from hurt to healing
and fullness and how she did it

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is one that I think is worth
hearing about, so I'd like to

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welcome Rebecca to the show.
Good morning.

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Thank you so much.
Thank you so much, Rebecca, for

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being here.
And can I just say, I am so, so

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appreciative of your bravery.
I honor what you've been

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through.
Gosh, you've been ruined.

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Yeah, I'm back again.
Yeah, I know that sometimes it's

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hard to talk about the painful
experiences, but and speaking to

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you ahead of time, I know that
you're OK with talking about

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your childhood and the things
that have happened.

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So I'd like you to share as much
as you want to about your

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childhood and the things that
have happened.

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Thank you so much.
Yeah.

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I grew up in Southern California
mountains, a very small

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community, still a small
community, and I loved life.

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I remember quite a ways back to
about the age of three when I

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have really tangible memories.
So I have a really long memory

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and I loved life.
We lived in the woods.

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We didn't have.
We were.

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Poor really didn't have a lot of
money, but I had two siblings

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and we lived in the woods and it
was our playground and there was

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a lake nearby and so life made
sense for the most part.

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My mom had a few struggles with
her mental health, but as a

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little kid it didn't really
manifest necessarily in any kind

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of exaggerated way.
And my dad was a fireman.

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We had a kind of a typical blue
collar existence up in this

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small community.
And then, at the age of 5I began

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to be sexually assaulted.
By my mother's father.

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And that's when life just well
started to fall apart obviously.

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But more than that, that's when
my mental health took a shift

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and I stopped being Rebecca
Chandler, the plucky 5 year old

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who loved to swim and play in
the woods.

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To the traumatized version of
Rebecca Chandler.

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And that's when I started to
live, I think not as my

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authentic self, but as a
traumatized version of myself.

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Now, how long had this going on,
and did you tell anybody about

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it?
Did you know to say anything or

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was there an encouragement to
keep quiet about it?

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So the abuse started when I was
5 and it ended when I was 13.

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And over those years I never
told anyone about it.

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My grandfather was a powerful
figure inside the family.

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And keep in mind the time.
I think just culturally, this

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was not a conversation that was
easy in families.

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At the time, the word trauma
didn't really exist and sexual

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abuse.
Was just starting to be

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discussed a little bit on the
news.

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You'd hear some horrific story
or something, but it wasn't like

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kids were given the option to
share their feelings, go through

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some of the processes that are,
I think people take for granted

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now.
So I was silent.

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I was absolutely silent and I
think just afraid of what it

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would mean to say something bad
about my grandpa and then my

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parents divorced when I was 6.
So in addition to abuse, the

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house was just split in two.
So.

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There was a lot of unfortunate
stuff happening in the house,

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and I kind of fell through the
cracks.

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That's how I felt.
I'm so sorry.

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Thank you.
It's complicated because my

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grandpa could be.
He was a guy that took us to

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Disneyland.
Yeah.

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And, you know, was fun.
And then at the same time, he

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would rape me after having fun.
So it's difficult to really

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describe what that does to you,
except that I didn't want to get

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the person who was nice to me in
trouble.

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I mean, that's a.
Felt like, yeah, version of what

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I was feeling, I think cuz I
just didn't want to get anybody

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in trouble.
Now was it ever revealed if your

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mother was sexually abused or
your sister?

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Was this something that you were
singled out about or do you

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know?
Still not know the only.

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When I told my mother, so I got
through high school and I, you

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know, had these voices in my
head and all that stuff was

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going on.
And when I was 20, I put myself

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into therapy because I came to a
moment where I thought if I

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don't get help, I won't, I won't
be around want to say it that

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way, so.
One of the parts of therapy that

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I went through was to tell my
family, and in telling my mom,

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she revealed to me that she knew
her father was a sexual

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predator.
And so in that moment in that

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conversation, which was pretty
much the first and last time I

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was ever felt like I could talk
about it, I think I permanently

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detached from my mother.
I just felt the betrayal was

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just too deep to ever really
mend and the rest of my family.

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My father knew nothing about it
and I think he was just.

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Mortified.
And unfortunately though, he

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never stepped up into his role
and said, how do I help, you

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know?
And my mom certainly didn't.

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And then my siblings, they were
sad, but I really felt like when

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my immediate family was told, it
was kind of blip on the radar.

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It was a really hurtful,
disappointing time to not feel

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like people were rallying behind
my story and instead it really

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turned out to be that people
chose to align themselves with

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my grandmother.
My grandfather had passed away

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at that point and.
Almost.

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It felt like they chose sides
and they, for me, they chose the

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wrong side.
Yeah.

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So families are complicated, for
sure.

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And so your grandfather was
still married to your

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grandmother and was behaving in
this way.

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And your mother would let him
take you to Disneyland or spend

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time with you knowing that he
was a sexual predator.

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And so I can imagine that
feeling of betrayal and feeling

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like, Oh my gosh, how is this
possible?

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How could you even let this
happen?

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Yeah, I think it's.
I mean it's a fun like, you

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know, people like to say well,
kids don't come with

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instructions and it's like well,
but there are fundamentals that

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kids have to be able to rely
upon their parents for as adults

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for.
And one of them is protection.

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If you can't manage to protect
your child, I think in my

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opinion just fundamentally
failed.

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You know, it's one thing for an
accident to happen or something

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to happen that you couldn't
foreseen, you couldn't see it

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was coming.
But to know that someone so

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close to you is a sexual
predator and to.

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Encourage us as kids to go spend
weeks at their house in the

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summer or on the weekend.
That's something different.

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Yeah.
Right.

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And I'm curious, like how you
would feel knowing that you had

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to spend time with your
grandfather because it's like,

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what what choice did you have?
You're going there?

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I mean, did you look forward to
it or, you know, did it feel

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icky?
How was the relationship, aside

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from feeling like, well, I can't
say anything?

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I think it's so complicated,
such a great question because

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the option was so when my mom
and dad split my.

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My dad got custody of the kids
and we lived with my dad and

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stepmom, and every single
weekend my mom and stepdad would

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pick us up.
And my stepdad was an amazing,

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wonderful human being.
And so the negotiation with

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myself had to be I don't want to
stay at home because my stepmom

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was an horrible person, truly
horrible human being.

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I'm sorry.
And I want to spend time with my

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mom.
Oh, because I still all those

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constructs about loving your mom
and having to love your mom.

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All that stuff feeds into how
you felt about her, regardless

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of what she did or didn't do for
me.

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Sure.
And then so I don't want to be

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at home.
I want to be with my mom and my

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stepdad.
And it felt like, well, if I go

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to my grandparents house and if
I'm sexually assaulted again in

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some way, that is what it is.
And I think at that kind of

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young age where you just feel
like, well, that's just how

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things are And I was just so.
Keep in mind, so from a very

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early age I started to
dissociate and create these

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personalities.
So I would just kind of leave

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myself and not be present right
when I went to my grandparents

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house and I can put on, I could
pretend to be happy, I could

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pretend to be anything you
wanted.

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Yeah, because I wasn't even in
the room with you.

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I was dissociating and I just
went along with things, you

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know, so you and your siblings
would be over at your

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grandparents house altogether.
And yet this was still

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happening.
Oh yeah, them kind of in the

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house or around.
Yeah, there was one assault when

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I was 7.
My grandparents lived in a

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trailer at one point because
they were building a home, and

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so it was a very small trailer,
not like the sexy ones today.

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And he was sexually assaulting
me.

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My brother was asleep in the
bunk that folded down over the

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master bed, and then my
grandmother and my sister were

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asleep in the bunk that folded
down over the couch.

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And so I think that people think
that this stuff happens when

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there's nobody else around.
No one could ever.

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Know.
And it's like, in fact, I was

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sexually assaulted pretty much
in fully exposed to lots of

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people who were asleep and they
didn't hear and they didn't

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know.
So it's not a matter of if that

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person's never alone with
someone, nothing bad can happen.

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You don't have to be alone to be
assaulted.

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You can be assaulted, right, In
a crowded room, yeah.

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And you didn't know any better
to like, yell out and say I

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don't like this or.
Anything.

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I I mean fear.
You shut down.

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You turned off.
I just turned off.

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Yeah.
And I didn't have the ability to

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shout or scream or because I
just was turned off.

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Yeah.
So that whole notion of did you

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say no and all that stuff, it's
like that's not a trauma

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response necessarily.
Exactly.

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Exactly.
And the reason why I'm bringing

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this up, I'm so grateful for you
being able to share this is that

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for anybody listening who has
gone through the same thing,

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there is no judgment here.
It's not like you should have

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done this or you should have
done that.

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There's nothing like, especially
when you're a child and these

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are people that is your family,
that you love and that it's just

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such a complicated mix of
emotions and what you should do

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and shouldn't do.
And so there is absolutely no

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judgment here.
There is no feeling like you

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were in the wrong in any way.
I mean, you were a child and

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this was happening to you.
And it's just almost to reveal

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the fact that this is something
that is more common than people

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realize.
Yeah, of it.

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Because before, who would have
ever been brave enough to talk

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about this?
It's exactly It's so filled with

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shame and so ruled and cloaked
in secrecy.

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So thank you for revealing what
you are about your your story,

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and for the fact that your mom
knew that he was a sexual

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predator.
Who's to say whether or not his

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wife, your grandmother, knew?
I don't know if that was ever

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revealed.
After you.

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She knew she my grand, my
grandmother facilitated some of

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00:11:43,810 --> 00:11:46,610
the assaults, OK?
She knew who she married.

229
00:11:47,450 --> 00:11:49,570
He had a daughter out of wedlock
that then.

230
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:52,690
Came to a front when I was, I
think I was a teenager.

231
00:11:52,730 --> 00:11:56,810
He had all kinds of sexual
perversions that there's no

232
00:11:56,810 --> 00:12:01,930
possible way that you didn't see
or notice him being sexually

233
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:05,610
aggressive around me, around
others where he would pinch and

234
00:12:05,610 --> 00:12:09,090
grab their ass or like this is
someone you're not just a

235
00:12:09,090 --> 00:12:11,850
pedophile for one person.
You're not just a sexual

236
00:12:11,850 --> 00:12:15,450
predator for one person.
You're always a sexual predator.

237
00:12:15,490 --> 00:12:19,370
It's just you either get one
victim or 100 or whatever it is,

238
00:12:19,370 --> 00:12:22,410
but.
So his sexual appetites weren't

239
00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:25,650
limited to me.
So yeah, so now this happened

240
00:12:25,650 --> 00:12:29,370
until you were thirteen.
Was it that he passed that at

241
00:12:29,450 --> 00:12:31,690
the age of 13?
Or was it just like he just

242
00:12:31,690 --> 00:12:34,490
stopped or you'd be moved?
On no.

243
00:12:34,490 --> 00:12:38,050
So I got my period when I was 11
and that made things quote

244
00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:40,170
complicated.
So and I was terrified I was

245
00:12:40,170 --> 00:12:43,050
gonna get pregnant at age 11.
Absolutely terrified.

246
00:12:43,090 --> 00:12:46,730
And then at 13 one night I
didn't see a way out.

247
00:12:46,890 --> 00:12:49,690
I didn't see a way through.
I thought that my.

248
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:53,090
Period coming when it did slow
things down in terms of there

249
00:12:53,090 --> 00:12:57,090
were fewer assaults because he
was genuinely concerned about me

250
00:12:57,090 --> 00:12:59,690
getting pregnant.
But there was one night I was

251
00:12:59,690 --> 00:13:03,290
sitting in my grandparents
kitchen and my brother and my

252
00:13:03,290 --> 00:13:05,890
grandmother had gone to sleep
and my grandpa was telling

253
00:13:05,890 --> 00:13:07,610
stories.
He was a great storyteller.

254
00:13:07,690 --> 00:13:10,970
I was genuinely enjoying our
time and I hadn't been sexually

255
00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:13,090
assaulted for quite some time
and I thought, oh, but this is

256
00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:14,690
the new normal.
Like we could have a nice

257
00:13:14,690 --> 00:13:19,490
conversation and then it's over.
And as I got up, he lunged at me

258
00:13:19,490 --> 00:13:20,410
from.
His chair.

259
00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:24,890
And he pulled me back onto him
so that I was on his lap and I

260
00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:27,250
couldn't see him.
He was behind me and he started

261
00:13:27,250 --> 00:13:29,170
groping me and grabbing at my
breasts.

262
00:13:29,170 --> 00:13:32,490
And then he whispered into my
year, let's go to the trailer.

263
00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:35,210
It won't hurt none.
And which is the title of my

264
00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:39,370
book.
And in that moment, all of the

265
00:13:39,370 --> 00:13:45,610
rage and all of the energy that
I needed to confront, fight off

266
00:13:45,610 --> 00:13:49,730
and end it finally manifested.
And I jumped off.

267
00:13:49,810 --> 00:13:53,690
Off of him, turned around and I
slammed the full force of my

268
00:13:53,690 --> 00:13:56,650
body against his and pushed him
back against the wall.

269
00:13:56,690 --> 00:13:59,010
And I threatened his life.
And I said if you ever touch me

270
00:13:59,010 --> 00:14:00,730
again, I'll I'll kill you.
And that was it.

271
00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:03,370
That was the end of it.
All righty.

272
00:14:03,370 --> 00:14:03,730
OK.
Yeah.

273
00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:07,250
He was alive for another.
I want to say four or five years

274
00:14:07,290 --> 00:14:12,090
after that on it, OK, thank you.
So then you go through the rest

275
00:14:12,090 --> 00:14:14,370
of your teams.
I don't know what it must have

276
00:14:14,370 --> 00:14:17,730
been like trying to date, or if
you ever did, or if that was

277
00:14:17,730 --> 00:14:20,810
just like no, I'm not interested
in the very least.

278
00:14:21,010 --> 00:14:22,690
I did.
I was a disaster.

279
00:14:22,690 --> 00:14:25,490
I mean I was had multiple
personality disorder, I had 4

280
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:29,970
personalities and I was a
straight, a overachieving,

281
00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:32,610
sports enthusiast, student,
government person.

282
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,650
So I was.
I pushed myself into that kind

283
00:14:34,650 --> 00:14:38,090
of overachiever, hyper,
resilient person that a lot of.

284
00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:40,970
Must become.
And I did manage to have, I

285
00:14:40,970 --> 00:14:45,970
think, a couple of boyfriends,
but I was so confused and broken

286
00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:49,450
and hurt that sex was easy.
Sex was really easy, and I

287
00:14:49,450 --> 00:14:51,370
enjoyed sex.
I could distinguish between the

288
00:14:51,370 --> 00:14:54,770
two, between sex and violence,
but I never understood.

289
00:14:55,010 --> 00:14:58,330
I was rarely present enough to
form an actual attachment that

290
00:14:58,330 --> 00:15:00,650
was healthy.
And boundaries certainly didn't

291
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:05,090
exist, clearly, yeah, for sure.
And so then you finally, when

292
00:15:05,090 --> 00:15:08,090
you were around 20, decided to
go to therapy, get some help,

293
00:15:08,330 --> 00:15:11,090
tell us about what that must
have been like.

294
00:15:11,090 --> 00:15:15,650
So I started therapy in 1990
when I was 20, and at the time,

295
00:15:15,650 --> 00:15:19,850
trauma still was not a
conversation, and a lot of

296
00:15:19,850 --> 00:15:23,730
people who were dealing with
complex PTSD and severe trauma

297
00:15:23,730 --> 00:15:26,650
were misdiagnosed as bipolar,
and I was one of those people.

298
00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:31,010
So I got pushed into the bipolar
category and unfortunately I

299
00:15:31,010 --> 00:15:35,490
never felt confident enough to
openly discuss my personalities

300
00:15:35,530 --> 00:15:38,010
and my therapist at the time,
who I thought was brilliant and

301
00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:39,450
I.
Still think he was brilliant.

302
00:15:39,570 --> 00:15:43,010
He didn't really delve into it
either, and it wasn't part of

303
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:45,610
the general conversation yet.
So there was lots of factors

304
00:15:45,610 --> 00:15:48,570
leading to the fact that I
wasn't properly diagnosed until

305
00:15:48,570 --> 00:15:52,410
my 40s.
So I went through life thinking

306
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:56,850
I was bipolar and at one point
taking so much medication for

307
00:15:56,850 --> 00:15:58,210
that.
None of it really resolved

308
00:15:58,210 --> 00:16:01,210
anything.
So I thought talk therapy was

309
00:16:01,330 --> 00:16:04,770
absolutely helpful and useful
and I think everyone should

310
00:16:04,770 --> 00:16:08,410
enjoy a round of talk therapy.
But I think that talk therapy

311
00:16:08,410 --> 00:16:12,450
tends to be very event based.
So you can talk about your abuse

312
00:16:12,650 --> 00:16:15,770
and you can talk about what
happened for me, what talk

313
00:16:15,770 --> 00:16:18,730
therapy never did.
And This is why I pursued other

314
00:16:18,730 --> 00:16:21,650
forms of healing.
Later is it never actually

315
00:16:21,650 --> 00:16:25,330
resolves the traumatized energy
that's in your body.

316
00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,890
Yeah.
And talk therapy can't do that.

317
00:16:27,890 --> 00:16:29,730
So.
And it's not designed to do

318
00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:32,010
that.
So 20, I started my healing

319
00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:37,490
journey and it's still in a
healing journey. 53 And yeah, so

320
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,930
sure, for sure.
And so you had done talk therapy

321
00:16:40,930 --> 00:16:44,770
for a while and then at what
point did you start looking for

322
00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:47,290
other avenues of healing?
I didn't.

323
00:16:47,370 --> 00:16:49,690
Know there were other avenues
until I got.

324
00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:53,690
Got into my 40s and part of
that's because I put my head

325
00:16:53,690 --> 00:16:58,490
down and I drilled into my
career and I was so busy working

326
00:16:58,490 --> 00:17:00,570
80 hours a week, like craziness,
right?

327
00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:04,410
So that was part of it.
And then in my 40s I was living

328
00:17:04,410 --> 00:17:07,530
in Kenya going through some
things and I started to speak to

329
00:17:07,530 --> 00:17:09,530
a friend of mine who is an
empath.

330
00:17:09,690 --> 00:17:14,609
And through talking to her I
discovered somatic healing.

331
00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:18,170
And it was a completely life
changing turn when I discovered

332
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:21,210
that form of healing and.
Because I went into somatic

333
00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:25,530
work, I also discovered EMDR,
family, Celestial healing, all

334
00:17:25,530 --> 00:17:28,810
different kinds of healing
modalities that I never knew

335
00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:31,490
existed.
Yeah, I think back then, PTSD

336
00:17:31,490 --> 00:17:33,610
was something that was reserved
for veterans.

337
00:17:33,730 --> 00:17:36,450
It was something that people
that went through war or

338
00:17:36,450 --> 00:17:39,490
something really, really
devastating like that.

339
00:17:39,490 --> 00:17:42,370
I mean, that was what that
diagnosis at that time was

340
00:17:42,370 --> 00:17:45,010
reserved for.
And yeah, I think that bipolar

341
00:17:45,010 --> 00:17:49,090
or multiple personality disorder
was a little bit less talked

342
00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:53,130
about, but was around.
Now that we've uncovered layers

343
00:17:53,130 --> 00:17:56,050
of what's going on
neurologically and understanding

344
00:17:56,050 --> 00:17:58,330
the nuance, saying, you know,
think about autism.

345
00:17:58,450 --> 00:18:01,290
I think about the fact that
there were probably so many

346
00:18:01,290 --> 00:18:02,330
autistic people.
Yeah.

347
00:18:02,810 --> 00:18:06,090
But, like, who was to even know
what that was called back?

348
00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:09,570
Yeah, back in the day.
And now there's a spectrum.

349
00:18:09,650 --> 00:18:13,170
And just like the spectrum of
autism, there's a spectrum of

350
00:18:13,170 --> 00:18:17,210
other types of neurological
pathologies and ways that they

351
00:18:17,210 --> 00:18:19,570
present.
And I'm sure that we're not done

352
00:18:19,770 --> 00:18:20,930
findings, all of them.
Yeah.

353
00:18:22,210 --> 00:18:26,210
I believe that it's the more
that we get into the individual

354
00:18:26,210 --> 00:18:29,490
and understand, you know, what
they're feeling, then the more

355
00:18:29,490 --> 00:18:32,570
is going to be revealed.
It is when you're able to use

356
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:36,570
other modalities to release and
to discover and to explore these

357
00:18:36,570 --> 00:18:41,370
other parts of yourself that
were just so misunderstood or

358
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:44,890
not embraced because they were
seen as something that might

359
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:47,010
have been like voodoo magic
before.

360
00:18:48,290 --> 00:18:51,290
It's true what I think.
What's interesting to me is that

361
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,130
you know your mind and your
body.

362
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:55,490
My mind and body were not In
Sync.

363
00:18:55,490 --> 00:18:58,930
They weren't working together.
My body can only record

364
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:03,690
information in one way, so my
flesh will only remember things

365
00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:08,210
exactly as they occurred.
It has no capacity to negotiate

366
00:19:08,210 --> 00:19:10,730
with itself what it has just
experienced.

367
00:19:10,770 --> 00:19:13,850
So when I'm sexually assaulted,
my body just says I'm being

368
00:19:13,850 --> 00:19:17,210
violated, I'm being assaulted.
This is horrible, painful, bad.

369
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:18,890
That's all your body is allowed
to do.

370
00:19:18,970 --> 00:19:21,130
It doesn't have the.
Mechanism to do anything else.

371
00:19:21,130 --> 00:19:25,210
The mind, however, receives that
information from your body and

372
00:19:25,210 --> 00:19:27,370
says, huh, what am I going to do
with this?

373
00:19:27,410 --> 00:19:31,330
Am I going to remember it,
repress it, change it, break off

374
00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:34,570
a piece of this person's mind
like it did for me, and

375
00:19:34,570 --> 00:19:37,330
dissociate on an exceptional
level?

376
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,930
How am I going to protect the
total person?

377
00:19:41,010 --> 00:19:42,970
Because the body is sending me
signals that I don't.

378
00:19:43,050 --> 00:19:44,610
I need to do something with
them.

379
00:19:44,690 --> 00:19:48,370
So I think what's interesting
for me is that last year I it's

380
00:19:48,370 --> 00:19:50,290
one of my somatic.
Sessions.

381
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,930
It's a deep visual meditation,
somatic work.

382
00:19:52,970 --> 00:19:56,730
And I was sitting next to my
body and my mind and I was

383
00:19:56,730 --> 00:19:59,610
talking to both of them and
saying there's a disconnect

384
00:19:59,610 --> 00:20:02,490
between the two of you and it's
creating friction.

385
00:20:02,890 --> 00:20:06,690
And that for me was looking like
disease and some major health

386
00:20:06,690 --> 00:20:09,090
issues.
And it was like my body's

387
00:20:09,090 --> 00:20:12,330
saying, look, I can only
remember this trauma and this

388
00:20:12,330 --> 00:20:15,970
way, which is the only way that
I can process this.

389
00:20:16,010 --> 00:20:19,610
And so I had to look at my mind
and say you have to stop trying

390
00:20:19,610 --> 00:20:21,650
to.
To protect me, you have to stop

391
00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:25,450
trying to create a fictional
narrative around these events

392
00:20:25,450 --> 00:20:28,170
that were so horrific.
You want to protect me from

393
00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:30,890
them.
I can handle it now, and it's

394
00:20:30,890 --> 00:20:34,930
almost like my mind said, OK,
but it's going to be really bad.

395
00:20:35,090 --> 00:20:37,570
It's OK.
I don't need these multiple

396
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:40,010
personalities anymore.
I don't need these layers of

397
00:20:40,010 --> 00:20:42,290
protection anymore.
I can handle it now.

398
00:20:42,690 --> 00:20:47,130
Once I gave my mind permission
to actually open up the box and

399
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:50,130
remember it, and then my body,
it's almost like my mind.

400
00:20:50,130 --> 00:20:53,410
We're like, OK, now we're
together now we can heal as one

401
00:20:53,410 --> 00:20:56,090
person.
We have one narrative together.

402
00:20:56,090 --> 00:20:58,890
We have one story to tell.
It's not my body.

403
00:20:58,890 --> 00:21:02,170
Remembering this and my mind
saying that didn't happen, that

404
00:21:02,170 --> 00:21:04,570
didn't wasn't as bad as it was.
And I think getting that

405
00:21:04,570 --> 00:21:08,490
alignment back together between
the two was absolutely essential

406
00:21:08,490 --> 00:21:11,770
to healing.
Your mind wants to protect you,

407
00:21:11,930 --> 00:21:15,050
understand why.
But at some point the systems it

408
00:21:15,050 --> 00:21:17,890
creates to protect you are no
longer valuable.

409
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:20,770
Right.
It's exhausting, Exhausted.

410
00:21:21,610 --> 00:21:25,090
You know, keeping up, like
however many personalities that

411
00:21:25,090 --> 00:21:28,970
you have the code.
Oh yeah, switching between and

412
00:21:28,970 --> 00:21:31,010
being somebody and putting on a
front.

413
00:21:31,170 --> 00:21:33,810
It's exhausting.
It's got energy.

414
00:21:33,890 --> 00:21:36,290
It does And it's.
Keep in mind that I had four

415
00:21:36,290 --> 00:21:40,290
personalities, 567 and 13, and
they're named according to their

416
00:21:40,290 --> 00:21:45,450
age. 5 was my fear, six was my
shame, seven was my sadness, 13

417
00:21:45,450 --> 00:21:48,650
was my anger.
So for every single decision I

418
00:21:48,650 --> 00:21:51,890
made, it could be as simple as
wanting to eat ice cream.

419
00:21:52,610 --> 00:21:56,170
I heard from at least one or
two, if not all four.

420
00:21:56,930 --> 00:22:01,010
Plus, I had my present self
trying to just live and make a

421
00:22:01,010 --> 00:22:04,490
decision.
And that's a lot of noise inside

422
00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:07,370
your head.
On top of complicated things,

423
00:22:07,370 --> 00:22:11,050
shame, depression, compulsive
disorders, I was compulsive

424
00:22:11,050 --> 00:22:13,730
eater and a compulsive spender.
So it's you've got all these

425
00:22:13,730 --> 00:22:16,610
layers going on.
Your mind has tried to protect

426
00:22:16,610 --> 00:22:20,650
you but it's created all these
other entities energies or

427
00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:23,490
everyone I call them.
It's a lot of work like you said

428
00:22:23,530 --> 00:22:27,410
just to get through a day yeah
and not come a completely apart

429
00:22:27,410 --> 00:22:31,530
by these energies and entities
that are all have an opinion and

430
00:22:31,530 --> 00:22:35,330
they all want to be prioritized
and I would be taken over by a

431
00:22:35,330 --> 00:22:37,770
13.
My anger all the time.

432
00:22:38,010 --> 00:22:41,970
So I was constantly angry and if
my present self said why am I I

433
00:22:41,970 --> 00:22:44,450
don't need to be this angry
about this Thirteen.

434
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:48,290
We're just rage forward and say
no, this is we're angry and it's

435
00:22:48,290 --> 00:22:50,250
just a lot.
It's exhausting.

436
00:22:50,730 --> 00:22:55,090
Yeah, and yet you managed to
have a 30 year career like

437
00:22:55,410 --> 00:23:00,410
producing film, TV, doing all
this if you were traveling and

438
00:23:00,410 --> 00:23:03,210
living in various places in the
world.

439
00:23:03,290 --> 00:23:06,250
I'm curious like how did you get
into what you're doing?

440
00:23:06,250 --> 00:23:09,170
And then how do you think that
you were able to manage?

441
00:23:09,170 --> 00:23:11,570
Like, did these multiple
personnels come out in your

442
00:23:11,570 --> 00:23:16,330
workplace as well?
Like, Oh, yeah, Oh yeah.

443
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:20,410
Imagine it would be hard not to
impossible done.

444
00:23:20,570 --> 00:23:23,450
So I started in advertising when
I was 20 as a secretary in

445
00:23:23,450 --> 00:23:26,250
commercial production which is
the department responsible for

446
00:23:26,250 --> 00:23:27,570
producing the commercials,
right?

447
00:23:27,650 --> 00:23:30,890
And I worked my way up through
the various layers of different

448
00:23:30,890 --> 00:23:36,410
agencies and what my hyper
resilience and kind of hyper

449
00:23:36,410 --> 00:23:41,290
vigilance self that all turned
into a great producer because

450
00:23:41,290 --> 00:23:44,210
producers have to be able to
assess the situation

451
00:23:44,210 --> 00:23:48,530
immediately, keep people safe on
set at all times, look down the

452
00:23:48,530 --> 00:23:51,250
road and project how things are
going to happen and how things

453
00:23:51,250 --> 00:23:54,690
are going to get done.
We're the master taskers, right?

454
00:23:54,690 --> 00:23:59,330
We survivors are.
In my case, I wanted to control

455
00:23:59,410 --> 00:24:02,530
environments and that's what
producers do, we control

456
00:24:02,530 --> 00:24:04,690
environments.
So I was really good at it and

457
00:24:04,690 --> 00:24:08,770
because I was hyper resilient,
anything that would go wrong on

458
00:24:08,770 --> 00:24:12,530
a film set or and lots of things
go wrong all day long every day

459
00:24:12,530 --> 00:24:16,810
on a film set.
I was masterful at taking care

460
00:24:16,810 --> 00:24:19,090
of the moment because that's
what survivors do.

461
00:24:19,170 --> 00:24:23,690
We sit Survivor mode and try to
control the situation around us

462
00:24:23,690 --> 00:24:26,210
once we're done actually
surviving our trauma.

463
00:24:26,210 --> 00:24:27,850
So yeah, I was really good at
it.

464
00:24:27,850 --> 00:24:31,730
I got to see the world and I was
very fortunate to have been able

465
00:24:31,730 --> 00:24:36,130
to take that trauma and turn it
into a career that was as broad

466
00:24:36,130 --> 00:24:39,210
and as creative and as amazing
it has been.

467
00:24:39,370 --> 00:24:41,970
Unfortunately, yeah, My
personalities did come through.

468
00:24:41,970 --> 00:24:48,690
And normally it was. 1313 was
the most pernicious, complicated

469
00:24:48,690 --> 00:24:51,250
personality for me to try to
manage.

470
00:24:51,290 --> 00:24:55,770
And in moments where she was
completely irresponsible with

471
00:24:55,770 --> 00:25:00,010
her anger and I couldn't control
it, I hated her and I hated

472
00:25:00,010 --> 00:25:03,290
myself for my anger.
And then at times when I felt

473
00:25:03,290 --> 00:25:06,290
like I couldn't handle a
situation, I would call out and

474
00:25:06,290 --> 00:25:08,410
say, hey, 13, I need you right
now.

475
00:25:08,530 --> 00:25:11,090
And she would just come pushing
forward, like, where are we?

476
00:25:11,090 --> 00:25:13,690
What's going on?
What do I need to control?

477
00:25:13,730 --> 00:25:17,930
And it took me a long time to
figure out that I didn't need 13

478
00:25:17,930 --> 00:25:21,970
to handle anything.
I was very capable.

479
00:25:22,010 --> 00:25:24,610
We had a love, hate relationship
for decades.

480
00:25:24,690 --> 00:25:27,010
I'll say it that way.
And I'm glad she's gone because

481
00:25:27,010 --> 00:25:30,490
I don't need her anymore.
But yeah, it came out

482
00:25:30,610 --> 00:25:33,090
inappropriately.
I got threatened with being

483
00:25:33,090 --> 00:25:37,930
fired at one point in my career
because my mouth was never not

484
00:25:37,930 --> 00:25:42,270
saying something and I was
always I was always the person

485
00:25:42,270 --> 00:25:45,190
with I have the perfect opinion
and I know exactly how to fix

486
00:25:45,190 --> 00:25:47,150
everything and you better listen
to me.

487
00:25:47,150 --> 00:25:50,950
I was very brash all the time,
really brash, and it was not

488
00:25:50,950 --> 00:25:53,800
nice.
Wow, wow.

489
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:56,440
Now I want to circle back
because I know when you did the

490
00:25:56,440 --> 00:26:00,120
talk therapy, you did some
somatic healing.

491
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:03,320
I'm not familiar with EMDR.
I'm curious if you could

492
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,520
describe that.
Yeah, I'm not going to be able

493
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,760
to give you a definition of it
for sure, but I describe it.

494
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,760
EMDR is based on the premise
that you can rewire for me.

495
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,920
This is my definition of you can
rewire your brain.

496
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:19,880
So my I traumatized my my mind.
The wiring was confused and in

497
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:24,880
order to retrain the in my mind
you have to go through a series

498
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:29,440
of exercises and with EMDR you
can do that with lights flashing

499
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:33,040
or you can do it with like a
ping pong ball bouncing back and

500
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,960
forth on the screen.
And you come up with a premise

501
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:41,960
of I am ugly, I feel ugly, I'm
overweight, I'm attractive.

502
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,200
Those are all kind of self
hating thoughts that came very

503
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,280
easily to me.
And then you come up with a

504
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:53,080
sentence of I love myself, I'm
beautiful and I will be healthy.

505
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,520
So there's the two sides of your
mind that are at play and an

506
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,840
EMDR work.
The first session you sit

507
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:02,760
through, you read that negative
thought out loud.

508
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:07,480
And in my session, and I did it
online and I didn't go through

509
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,880
with a therapist because I
couldn't find one at the time.

510
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:13,320
That negative thought pattern,
you look at the screen and this

511
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,240
ball starts bouncing back and
forth.

512
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:19,040
And as you read that negative
thought, the ball is bouncing

513
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,960
back and forth.
And then when you shift over to

514
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,520
reading the positive thought,
the balls bouncing back and

515
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:27,080
forth at a different rate, and
through that repetitive motion

516
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,680
of your eyes, following the
rapid eye movement, following it

517
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:34,120
back and forth, you're actually
rewiring the messaging in your

518
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:34,880
minds.
Wow.

519
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:39,760
It sounds a little bit like a
cross between hypnosis as well

520
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:43,800
as like maybe neurolinguistic
programming where you're saying

521
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:47,240
something and it's helping.
Yeah, fire even in some cases

522
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:49,120
energetically, like with ACCU
points.

523
00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:51,880
Some people will do that while
they're touching certain parts

524
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,720
of their back.
Tapping is the same thing.

525
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,720
It's the same idea as tapping,
right?

526
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,320
And you'll see people tapping
like this, and it's because

527
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:00,080
they're calming their system
down.

528
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:02,720
They're telling their mind.
You don't need to have a

529
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,310
response to this moment, and
that's for me.

530
00:28:06,310 --> 00:28:08,350
The EMDR is the exact same
thing.

531
00:28:08,470 --> 00:28:11,150
It's just telling your mind
we're gonna think about this

532
00:28:11,150 --> 00:28:11,830
differently now.
Wow.

533
00:28:11,830 --> 00:28:14,870
Wow.
Yeah, and then you also went

534
00:28:14,870 --> 00:28:19,950
through some past life work,
which I did gone through too.

535
00:28:19,990 --> 00:28:25,390
And I know Buddy believes in
past lives or past life work,

536
00:28:25,390 --> 00:28:28,110
but I'm curious what came up
with that for you?

537
00:28:28,110 --> 00:28:29,750
Oh, I love that you've done
this.

538
00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:32,830
You're the first person to ask
about this, and I love it.

539
00:28:33,390 --> 00:28:36,510
Yes, yes, I about it.
I didn't ever pursue it.

540
00:28:36,670 --> 00:28:39,710
And I was in a session with my
healer in Kenya.

541
00:28:39,710 --> 00:28:42,070
That's my word for her.
She would never say she was a

542
00:28:42,070 --> 00:28:44,230
healer.
And all of a sudden, and I was

543
00:28:44,230 --> 00:28:48,410
exploring just it was early
sessions with her and we were

544
00:28:48,410 --> 00:28:50,650
connecting energetically.
You know, she's an empath.

545
00:28:50,650 --> 00:28:53,330
And it was.
So it's just a beautiful series

546
00:28:53,330 --> 00:28:56,930
of sessions ahead with her.
And all of a sudden I saw myself

547
00:28:56,930 --> 00:29:01,530
walking down a street in London
somewhere in the 1800s.

548
00:29:02,050 --> 00:29:04,050
And I said, there's a woman,
she's walking.

549
00:29:04,090 --> 00:29:06,450
Wait a minute, it's me.
I'm walking.

550
00:29:06,610 --> 00:29:10,690
And then as through a series of
rapid scene changes, and I don't

551
00:29:10,690 --> 00:29:14,450
know what your experience was, I
discovered that I was married to

552
00:29:14,490 --> 00:29:18,730
a violent alcoholic.
I had a child and he ended my

553
00:29:18,730 --> 00:29:24,130
life prematurely, and I never
knew that existence.

554
00:29:24,330 --> 00:29:27,370
And I thought that that was so
powerful to know that I'd had a

555
00:29:27,370 --> 00:29:30,370
child because I did not have a
child in this life.

556
00:29:30,490 --> 00:29:33,690
And then when I got to explore
that further, I discovered

557
00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:36,730
another life which I was married
to.

558
00:29:36,730 --> 00:29:40,890
A wonderful kind of burly guy,
didn't have a lot of money, but

559
00:29:40,890 --> 00:29:44,250
we lived out of like a covered
wagon in Europe and we lived in

560
00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:46,410
a forest.
We had three children.

561
00:29:46,490 --> 00:29:50,530
We were exceptionally happy,
happy, just incredibly happy.

562
00:29:50,930 --> 00:29:56,450
And then the life before that, I
was a ship's captain in Asia.

563
00:29:57,010 --> 00:30:02,050
I was Asian and I was a warrior
and I saw her standing on the

564
00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:04,770
bow of a ship and she was in
full command of that ship and

565
00:30:04,770 --> 00:30:08,650
every person on that crew was
absolutely knew who was in

566
00:30:08,650 --> 00:30:10,850
charge.
And then the life before that

567
00:30:10,850 --> 00:30:14,690
was really interesting.
I was a temple leader and this

568
00:30:14,690 --> 00:30:18,290
is an ancient Times Now and I
had a lot of power and people

569
00:30:18,290 --> 00:30:22,090
would come to see me for healing
and for different things at this

570
00:30:22,090 --> 00:30:25,290
huge temple in the desert.
And I think the most important

571
00:30:25,290 --> 00:30:28,210
thing for me and all of that
because probably sounds a little

572
00:30:28,210 --> 00:30:31,530
strange to some people, is the
fact that I sat in one of my

573
00:30:31,530 --> 00:30:35,370
meditations.
I sat around a bonfire with my

574
00:30:35,410 --> 00:30:40,050
Victorian era self, the gypsy
era self and this warrior

575
00:30:40,050 --> 00:30:42,650
person.
And we had an incredible night

576
00:30:42,690 --> 00:30:45,410
together where we talked and we
left.

577
00:30:45,610 --> 00:30:48,530
And I discovered, but the
warrior person, she wouldn't

578
00:30:48,530 --> 00:30:49,930
relax.
I'm like, you know, you could

579
00:30:49,930 --> 00:30:52,130
probably relax.
We're we're good here.

580
00:30:52,210 --> 00:30:53,970
And she's like, OK, yeah, I'll
relax.

581
00:30:53,970 --> 00:30:56,490
And then it was nice to see
myself with children.

582
00:30:56,650 --> 00:31:00,250
I felt good about the fact that
I had children in another life

583
00:31:00,930 --> 00:31:03,730
and the Victoria era version of
myself.

584
00:31:03,730 --> 00:31:07,290
She learned how to laugh again.
And she got reconciled with her

585
00:31:07,290 --> 00:31:10,970
child, which was a big deal.
So I thought it was so powerful.

586
00:31:10,970 --> 00:31:13,090
I don't know what you thought,
but I just thought it was

587
00:31:13,090 --> 00:31:14,730
healing.
It was wonderful.

588
00:31:14,850 --> 00:31:17,930
Yeah, I won't go into my story
because this is about you, but.

589
00:31:18,090 --> 00:31:21,570
I think that the gist of it is
just recognizing that energies

590
00:31:21,570 --> 00:31:25,650
can carry forward and they can
have a place in what your

591
00:31:25,650 --> 00:31:29,410
experience is.
There can be lessons and certain

592
00:31:29,410 --> 00:31:34,130
things that are unresolved that
may also carry forward into your

593
00:31:34,130 --> 00:31:37,970
current existence.
And then there are also in some

594
00:31:37,970 --> 00:31:42,730
cases people will believe that
you have maybe 10 or 12 human

595
00:31:42,730 --> 00:31:46,210
experiences and then you kind of
graduate and then you become the

596
00:31:46,210 --> 00:31:49,570
ether and you become in the.
Or the soul form and you've done

597
00:31:49,570 --> 00:31:52,050
everything that you've gotten to
the highest level and that is

598
00:31:52,050 --> 00:31:53,650
it.
And so the question always

599
00:31:53,650 --> 00:31:56,370
becomes, OK, where do you think
that you are on that path of

600
00:31:56,370 --> 00:32:00,090
enlightenment relation versus
where you were before?

601
00:32:00,170 --> 00:32:02,130
Maybe you're at 10 now my
sister.

602
00:32:02,130 --> 00:32:05,730
Maybe you learned.
Maybe you've gone so much and

603
00:32:05,730 --> 00:32:09,370
you've learned the full cycle of
healing and and you've come to a

604
00:32:09,370 --> 00:32:12,570
place where you're OK and maybe
this is the journey of self love

605
00:32:12,570 --> 00:32:15,810
that you've come to.
And finally, recognizing that

606
00:32:15,810 --> 00:32:18,010
you are whole, just as you are
even just.

607
00:32:18,090 --> 00:32:19,490
Fight everything that has
occurred.

608
00:32:19,650 --> 00:32:22,210
And so, you know, there are ways
to look at it like that, I

609
00:32:22,210 --> 00:32:24,050
suppose, depending on what.
Yeah.

610
00:32:24,250 --> 00:32:25,650
What your beliefs are.
Yeah.

611
00:32:25,650 --> 00:32:28,410
And I think it's.
I know that I have two more

612
00:32:28,490 --> 00:32:31,530
cycles left in me.
I'm very clear about that.

613
00:32:31,610 --> 00:32:33,730
OK Yeah.
I don't know what they'll look

614
00:32:33,730 --> 00:32:35,170
like.
It'll be interesting.

615
00:32:35,250 --> 00:32:40,210
But I so I'm not a 10.
But what's interesting now is

616
00:32:40,210 --> 00:32:42,930
like this year for me is the
year of learning about trust and

617
00:32:42,930 --> 00:32:45,450
studying my trust.
The foundational elements of

618
00:32:45,450 --> 00:32:48,010
trust, for me, they normally
develop between the ages of like

619
00:32:48,090 --> 00:32:51,610
five to seven, and obviously my
understanding of trust didn't

620
00:32:51,610 --> 00:32:55,250
ever develop.
This is my life to get trust

621
00:32:55,410 --> 00:32:58,770
figured out, I think, and I'll
take it forward into whatever is

622
00:32:58,770 --> 00:33:00,690
next.
That's wonderful.

623
00:33:00,690 --> 00:33:03,410
And now the brilliant thing is
that you've been able to

624
00:33:03,530 --> 00:33:06,770
synergize all of this and come
up with a set of books that

625
00:33:06,770 --> 00:33:10,330
you've written, And the first
one is it won't hurt none.

626
00:33:10,410 --> 00:33:13,690
A story of courage, healing, and
a return to wholeness.

627
00:33:13,810 --> 00:33:16,650
And that talks about, I believe,
your struggle with this

628
00:33:16,650 --> 00:33:21,410
associative identity.
Disorder and complex PTSD, Yeah.

629
00:33:21,410 --> 00:33:24,250
And it's.
Yeah, it starts off when I'm 47

630
00:33:24,370 --> 00:33:26,170
and I go through some medical
trauma.

631
00:33:26,290 --> 00:33:30,210
Very unexpectedly, that medical
trauma ignited all of my

632
00:33:30,370 --> 00:33:32,730
underlying trauma that I thought
that I had dealt with.

633
00:33:32,890 --> 00:33:35,290
I didn't think I had to go back
to it, and I did.

634
00:33:35,730 --> 00:33:38,970
And I think the most important
part of that journey for me was

635
00:33:38,970 --> 00:33:43,330
being able to heal through the
somatic process, largely to heal

636
00:33:43,330 --> 00:33:46,890
to the point where I no longer
have multiple personalities.

637
00:33:46,970 --> 00:33:50,050
So I was able to get to them,
integrate them, and release

638
00:33:50,050 --> 00:33:52,210
them, which is the most
important thing that I could

639
00:33:52,210 --> 00:33:55,130
have done.
And my complex PTSD has waned

640
00:33:55,130 --> 00:33:57,130
quite a bit.
I think when you do a lot of

641
00:33:57,130 --> 00:34:00,930
healing, it starts to just lower
the temperature on everything.

642
00:34:01,050 --> 00:34:05,250
I still struggle with some of my
compulsive disorders, but

643
00:34:05,330 --> 00:34:09,409
they're getting better.
That first book is my story

644
00:34:09,409 --> 00:34:13,610
ending in hope, and really the
book I tried to tell the story,

645
00:34:13,610 --> 00:34:16,050
not about what happened to me so
much.

646
00:34:16,050 --> 00:34:18,690
Certainly there are moments in
the book where there are some

647
00:34:18,690 --> 00:34:20,889
details.
For me, it was more important to

648
00:34:21,090 --> 00:34:24,690
show people, to tell people.
This is what trauma looks like

649
00:34:24,770 --> 00:34:28,730
in your life when you have
difficulty at work and when you

650
00:34:28,730 --> 00:34:31,210
don't have good relationships
and when you're in a state of

651
00:34:31,210 --> 00:34:33,489
flight and I start moving all
over the world.

652
00:34:33,489 --> 00:34:35,850
This is what trauma looks like.
And that, to me, was the most

653
00:34:35,850 --> 00:34:39,250
important part of the book, was
just to give people a way to see

654
00:34:39,250 --> 00:34:43,010
what trauma looks like, you
know, in an everyday life.

655
00:34:43,210 --> 00:34:46,650
Yeah, and then you also were
able to put out a companion

656
00:34:46,650 --> 00:34:50,370
journal called Hurt No More,
Grow a foundation for Healing.

657
00:34:50,409 --> 00:34:54,010
It's a stepbystep guide to help
others process trauma and find

658
00:34:54,010 --> 00:34:56,770
their own path of healing.
Yeah, And I wrote that with my

659
00:34:56,770 --> 00:35:00,210
friend Aparna Rama Krishnan,
who's has a master's in social

660
00:35:00,210 --> 00:35:01,890
work.
And I really, at the end of my

661
00:35:01,890 --> 00:35:03,210
memoir, I thought, you know
what?

662
00:35:03,290 --> 00:35:06,210
If anyone reads this, I need to
leave a tool behind.

663
00:35:06,330 --> 00:35:07,810
So it's one thing to tell your
story.

664
00:35:07,810 --> 00:35:09,970
For me, it was like, OK, but
then what next?

665
00:35:10,170 --> 00:35:13,210
So I reached out to her and I
said, I want to write a second

666
00:35:13,210 --> 00:35:15,010
book.
It's a journal and I just want

667
00:35:15,010 --> 00:35:17,970
to provide some really
preliminary steps that if you

668
00:35:17,970 --> 00:35:20,090
have trauma and if you want to
get started in your healing

669
00:35:20,090 --> 00:35:23,610
journey, here's 10 steps you can
take to do that.

670
00:35:23,610 --> 00:35:25,770
And then at the end of that
journal, there's a lot of

671
00:35:25,770 --> 00:35:28,450
helpful guides.
I think that she developed and

672
00:35:28,450 --> 00:35:31,730
she did an amazing job about how
to tell your family, how to tell

673
00:35:31,730 --> 00:35:34,490
your bed partner, how to tell
your kids, should you tell your

674
00:35:34,490 --> 00:35:38,130
kids how to find a good doctor.
So that was the intention with

675
00:35:38,130 --> 00:35:42,210
that is to be a tool for others
to hopefully find their way and

676
00:35:42,210 --> 00:35:46,170
put their first step forward.
Thank you Rebecca, for sharing

677
00:35:46,170 --> 00:35:50,930
your story, for writing a book,
and then also being so willing

678
00:35:50,930 --> 00:35:53,610
to help others also get through
their traumas.

679
00:35:53,610 --> 00:35:56,930
And I think one big take away
is, is that this healing journey

680
00:35:56,930 --> 00:36:00,090
is not like, oh, I'm cured.
I'm much tada.

681
00:36:00,090 --> 00:36:02,210
I've done it and that's the end
of that.

682
00:36:02,210 --> 00:36:05,170
I don't feel any ties to any of
my hurt or pain.

683
00:36:05,410 --> 00:36:08,410
That's a falsehood.
Healing is a lifelong journey,

684
00:36:08,450 --> 00:36:11,250
and being OK with yourself can
ebb and flow.

685
00:36:11,450 --> 00:36:14,050
Week to week, daytoday.
Minute to minute.

686
00:36:14,050 --> 00:36:16,730
Sometimes, yeah.
And looking to the support of

687
00:36:16,730 --> 00:36:19,610
others like what we're doing on
this podcast or what Rebecca's

688
00:36:19,610 --> 00:36:23,010
doing through her sharing of
stories and finding a community

689
00:36:23,010 --> 00:36:27,450
like the human beauty movement
to be able to be OK and safe and

690
00:36:27,450 --> 00:36:30,250
feeling like you can share, you
can express and you can be

691
00:36:30,250 --> 00:36:32,690
yourself.
And that's really what my whole

692
00:36:32,730 --> 00:36:36,130
life purpose is, is for people
to feel OK with themselves.

693
00:36:36,290 --> 00:36:40,010
It's continuing to be a journey
for myself as well and so I want

694
00:36:40,010 --> 00:36:43,810
to be able to.
Be that vessel for other people

695
00:36:43,810 --> 00:36:48,690
to find that journey back to
self love and to really know how

696
00:36:48,690 --> 00:36:51,610
special and valuable and
wonderful and beautiful that

697
00:36:51,610 --> 00:36:54,610
they are deep down inside.
And together we can get through

698
00:36:54,610 --> 00:36:56,290
anything.
So, yeah, yeah.

699
00:36:56,530 --> 00:36:57,570
Thank you.
Thank you so much.

700
00:36:57,770 --> 00:37:00,010
Thank.
You today, I really appreciate

701
00:37:00,010 --> 00:37:02,170
speaking with you.
I had a wonderful time.

702
00:37:02,170 --> 00:37:03,970
Thank you so much for all that
you're doing because I think

703
00:37:03,970 --> 00:37:07,010
that everyone has a gift to give
in this conversation and you

704
00:37:07,010 --> 00:37:09,610
certainly you've offered your
gift and I really appreciate it.

705
00:37:09,610 --> 00:37:10,610
It's.
My honor.

706
00:37:10,690 --> 00:37:12,770
Thank you.
Thank you for listening to the

707
00:37:12,810 --> 00:37:16,930
Human Beauty Movement podcast.
Be sure to follow, rate and

708
00:37:16,930 --> 00:37:19,570
review us wherever you stream
podcasts.

709
00:37:19,930 --> 00:37:23,050
The Human Beauty Movement is a
community based platform that

710
00:37:23,050 --> 00:37:25,210
cultivates the beauty of
humankind.

711
00:37:25,290 --> 00:37:29,050
Check out our workshops, find us
on social media, and share our

712
00:37:29,050 --> 00:37:32,250
inspiration with all the
beautiful humans in your life.

713
00:37:32,450 --> 00:37:36,450
Learn more at the Human
beautymovement.com Thank you so

714
00:37:36,450 --> 00:37:38,250
much for being a beautiful
human.