Episode 20: Avigail Gimpel - Raising Amazing Kids With ADHD

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Hello, beautiful humans.
Welcome to role models.

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Juicy conversations with
beautiful humans.

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I'm Jennifer Norman founder of
the human Beauty movement and

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your host.
If you find inspiration here, go

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ahead and click that.
Subscribe button, we appreciate

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it today.
We're going to talk about ADHD

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neuro, Divergence is so common
among families, and sometimes

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the condition can feel.
Overwhelming to yourself and

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your loved ones.
My guest today is Abigail

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gimple.
Abigail has immersed herself in

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studying and developing
treatment options for ADHD for

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her own six, kids and others.
She developed a hand on parent

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training program and teachers
training program, that can help

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she works in private practice,
training, parents to become a

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DHT coaches to their children,
and spouses to learn.

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A new love language, to
communicate.

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A Kate with their partners with
respect her book hyper.

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Healing is available now,
welcome ever Gail, thank you so

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much.
So nice to be with you today.

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I'm delighted to have you in
this is such an important topic.

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So tell us how did you come to
be interested in neurodivergent

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diagnosis and particular ADHD?
I think that it's a little

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ironic and funny that I landed
up being a school teacher

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because I was allergic to school
as a little kid, It.

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And a lot of kids would probably
agree with you.

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I was that kid, that, you know,
the teacher handed out, you

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know, whatever, it's some kind
of worksheet and I would look at

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it and kind of stuff it deep
into my desk.

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Never to be found again until
the end of the school year when

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they dumped my desk over in an
avalanche came out.

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I was the one that like, you
know, if someone needed to do

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something troubling than that
would be me.

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Hide under the teacher's desk,
put something on a teacher's

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chair.
So I still can't explain fully

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what brought me back to the
classroom, when I do come back

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to the classroom as a 20 year
old teacher.

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My first year, I was teaching in
an inclusion setting English as

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a second language and the kids
in the classroom, all came from

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the former Soviet Bloc.
So there were five different

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languages in the classroom and
it was a first grade.

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But they were from six to nine
year old kids because they put

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in all the kids would never been
to school before.

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So it was a few talk about
diversity.

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T, that classroom was diversity.
They should have just taken a

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picture of my classroom, but
remember the first day I walked

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in, and this gorgeous little
boy, big brown eyes.

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He locks eyes with me, and he
kind of, says silently and

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charge here, and he was right.
I had to just like my teachers.

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I handed out these beautiful
worksheets and he jumps out of

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his seat, crumples up, all the
worksheets that Given out and

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dumps them out the window.
And I was in a total panic and

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I'm like, oh my God, how am I
going to survive the year?

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So I didn't really survive the
year.

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It was like a collision course
the entire year, I'm a daught

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every mistake in the book and
I'm kind of seeing him sending

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him out of the classroom setting
into the principal's office.

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He didn't learn a thing.
I cried a lot and what I

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realized was that I had
absolutely no tools but I love

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this.
This kid, he had spunk and

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energy and he was awesome.
If I could only get him to

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learn, then we would do great in
the classroom.

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I moved on to another school and
I saw these kids are everywhere

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and I like them everywhere
during recess.

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They come alive.
Love to tell stories.

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They're curious about everything
but I couldn't get them to

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learn.
So I finally did create a

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program for these ADHD kids and
they started to flourish.

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I put them at this.
Center of my classroom and it

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was fantastic.
That was the year.

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I met my husband and my husband
has more energy than anybody, I

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know, I look back and I think to
myself, wow, he was very much

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like my students.
That's probably what I liked

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him, right away.
And ADHD is quite genetic.

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So as my children were being
born and I'm really blessed to

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have six of them.
Wonderful kids, every last one

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of them, most of them one after
the next was being diagnosed

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with ADHD.
So where I had worked with ADHD

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in the classroom because really
these kids invited me into their

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world, my children to do the
same.

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So I had to take that same Deep
dive and figure out how to help

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my own children.
And that's the beginning of the

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story.
Yeah.

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Talk about a calling, right?
So when you were first, a young

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teacher, was there a diagnosis
or was this, just something that

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you suspected in terms of their
behavior?

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This is actually, it wasn't the
beginning of But it was still

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fairly rare, it wasn't 10 kids
in every classroom was more like

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one or two and we were still
doing the short-acting Ritalin.

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So the kids had to go to the
school nurse and the day to get

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their second dose.
So that's where we were holding

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but as a teacher I had a lot of
leeway in terms of deciding what

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would be with my students?
Meaning there was no pressure on

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me to suggest diagnosis or
pressure to medicate.

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It was too new for That, which I
feel very lucky because I

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actually suggested to parents
maybe only to do the morning

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dose and leave out the second
dose so that I could see the

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children in the afternoon and
really see where their

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challenges were to be able to
find the root causes and help

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them progress because it was
much less important to me to

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have a quiet classroom.
I have five brothers.

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Quiet is just not important to
me.

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I don't even hear a noise.
So therefore that was not my

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goal.
And when I was able to Meet the

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children as they were, I was
really able to set them up for

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success and they did great in
the classroom.

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Oh, that's wonderful.
Yeah.

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I think that there's a lot of
controversy certainly with ADHD

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and some people believing that
it is a diagnosis and some

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people believing that it might
be an excuse for Behavior which

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I know is not the case, but
there is the sentiment.

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And so sometimes I wonder if in
the Room does a teacher, have a

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conference or a discussion with
the parents that yes there is a

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diagnosis or it's just something
that you suspect and it's not

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something that because of HIPAA
or I know in other countries

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you're in Israel right now.
By the way, wanted to mention

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that's everybody.
Not every country is the same

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with its rules and regulations
and its laws about health and

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privacy.
I find it interesting that there

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is openness and it seems like
there has been an evolution of

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an understanding that.
Yeah, this is real.

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Yeah, the symptoms are most
definitely real and I don't

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think I've ever accused a child
of being lazy or wanting to blow

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up the classroom just because
that's not the situation.

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And I firmly believe that a
child will do well, if a child

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can do well and therefore, we
have to create the environment

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where the child can flourish and
these children are struggling.

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That's for sure.
I know that in America, as well

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as in Israel and most Western
countries, we are Extremely

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diagnosis happy and in some
cases I've been in classrooms

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where almost 50% of the students
had some kind of diagnosis.

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So and a diagnosis in my opinion
is much less meaningful than the

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process of trying to understand
why the child is struggling.

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It seems to be very shallow and
doesn't give us information

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about the child and about what
we can do to help that child.

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Yeah, yeah.
So, let's go back because you

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mentioned this one example of
this wonderful boy, who you fell

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in love with, and he was very
strong-willed.

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And he had a dynamic personality
and a lot of energy.

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If there's a parent out there
that's curious or wondering if

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their child may be
neurodivergent, what are some of

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the other signs and symptoms
that are noticeable?

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So we see two different types of
kids.

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One, child would be much more
extra energetic and is all over

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the place all the time.
Um my oldest daughter was like

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that.
I was never a when she was

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young, I couldn't put the chairs
around the dining room table

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because the minute the chair was
there.

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She climb up on the chair, climb
up on the table and be hanging

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onto the light fixture before I
could turn around.

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So we stack the chairs in the
corner until it was mealtime.

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And then we allow chairs.
So that like a very, very

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energetic.
Curious really notices, tons of

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details in their environment,
they commit, social suicide

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quite Often in terms of being
over dominant and not quite

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understanding social cues.
So they tend to struggle with

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making friends.
They also have trouble getting

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started with things or stopping
to do something that they're

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really enjoying.
They will break into

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conversation and have less of an
awareness of what's happening

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in.
You know, parents having

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conversation with a friend and
they'll just their need is right

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now and they want to To have
their needs immediately.

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We see a lot of instant
gratification personality, which

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is wanting everything here, and
now and fun and interesting and

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dangerous kind of living on the
edge personality, on the other

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side you'll have a child who's
also wanting things interesting

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here and now but it manifests
more of like a dreamer, the kids

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sitting in the classroom, but
looking out the window or doing

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their nails or really, just not
very involved.

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What's happening in general.
We're going to see these kids

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are quite intelligent, but we
also see that a lot of them have

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learned civilities and sensory
issues.

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And also the more dreamy child
is what I like to call her,

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because it's usually more of the
girls that are that way in my

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house is equal opportunity,
everybody's hyper, but we're

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going to see with that child.
Is that she also is struggling

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socially, she'll kind of dance
around the Edge of a gathering

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of people and not quite know how
to make her way in or so ask,

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tactless questions.
Make strange comments and not

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exactly know where to go with
it.

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So that's a basic overview.
There's obviously a lot more to

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that and people could really
read the checklist in the DSM

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and get more information on that
that this is more of a general

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description for them.
Yeah, thank you for that.

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It was extremely helpful to
understand.

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Now you've been all over the
world.

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All done, you have been teaching
and you've been involved with

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ADHD children and even adults
for quite some time.

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Are you seeing this as a trend
of increasing magnitude of

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finding ADHD as I want to want
to say a diagnosis?

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Because certainly once you are
aware of something that I think

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that the doctors and the medical
field gets involved, do you

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think that this is something
that is just becoming more

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prevalent over time?
Oh yeah, well I'll just give

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background.
I lived in Moscow for a couple

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of years and I started my career
teaching in New York and now I'm

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continuing my teaching and right
outside of Jerusalem.

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So I have spent three different
languages, three completely

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different cultures and three
different school systems and

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what I'm seeing.
As from the time, I started

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teaching 27 years ago to today
the uptick An ADHD diagnosis and

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all diagnosis for children is
astounding, astonishing and

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frightening in my opinion.
And we seem to be at epidemic

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levels of children, not
flourishing, and not doing well.

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And that's something I said at
the beginning, that there's a

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major genetic component to ADHD,
but if we think about it, we

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can't have a genetic epidemic
that's impossible because in

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something's genetic.
Let's say Down syndrome.

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That's something.
That stays steady generation to

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generation.
So therefore there is a part of

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it.
That's genetic.

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The rest of it is environmental,
which is why these children

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deserve our patients, our
curiosity, in our respect, to

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really find out what genetic
factors are making them.

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Not flourish, exactly.
And being in the school system,

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you've probably seen the
evolution of the way that

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instruction used to have.
And I think to myself about the

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instruction when I was young it
would never fly today.

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It would never suit anybody's
abilities or helped to create

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success in a child's learning
the way that you'd have to just

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sit for hours and hours and
hours at a time at a desk and

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listen to a very boring lecture,
it's just not the way that it

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would have ever worked.
So what are some of the things

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that the school systems that
you've been involved in are

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doing to evolve and to grow and
to be able to serve ADHD

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children.
So I do see that the schools

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eyes are looking at the children
and trying to accommodate them

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and giving them more time to
take tests and giving them

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one-on-one time, which is great.
There are two trends that I'm

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concerned about which were not
around when I started teaching.

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The one is that schools are
shifting, especially American

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schools are shifting away from
recess time and moving it more

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to Jim time.
We've become very goal-oriented

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and we forgotten that A break is
as necessary as learning and

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children need that time to clear
out and actually longer.

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Recesses would do them better
and gym class is another class.

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It's instruction and therefore,
that doesn't clear the

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children's Minds.
That doesn't allow them to

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receive more, so that is
extremely problematic.

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And the other thing that I'm
finding to be not, a blessing is

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putting screens in the
children's faces children.

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Need to be interacting with
people and they have way too

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many screens to begin with.
And if this is a child who is

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instant gratification that child
is anyway, going to gravitate

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towards screens way too often so
they need a break but we as

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teachers also need to be more
Dynamic and interesting and we

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have lost the art of discipline
because we rely way too heavily

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on medications.
So, we assume that the child is

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misbehaving Parent has to go fix
it and fix it means get your

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child to be quiet when I started
teaching.

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It was my problem when a child
was misbehaving.

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There was no one coming to save
me from the outside, I to figure

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out why the child was
misbehaving, what was going on

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for that child?
And then work with the child and

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invite the parents to be part of
the process now, it's like you

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take the child, you Chuck it at
the parents and say fix the kid

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and then return it.
To the classroom and therefore

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teachers don't even realize that
you're supposed to discipline.

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So I think children need
discipline, loving, respectful

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discipline.
So are we going in the right

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direction?
Awareness is great.

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I love awareness, but I wish we
would have kind of taken some of

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that Curiosity with us and keep
those screens out of the

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classroom.
I see more recess is always

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better.
Do we think that screens are

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contributing to The ADHD.
Oh, I'm absolutely convinced of

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that and it's not just me.
I've spent a long time really

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pouring through a lot of studies
and it does turn out that

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screens are contributing to the
ADHD.

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So it's twofold.
Because on the one side kids

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with instant gratification
personalities will gravitate

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more two screens because there
have more of an addictive

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personality in general, but the
kids Who did not have that kind

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of personality and perhaps were
very good students in grade

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school, then get that first
phone put into their hands and

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the trend we're seeing as at
those kids land up developing

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and exhibiting all of the ADHD
symptoms and that's frightening

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as well as they're getting less
sleep now because of their

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screens and I think that there's
a lot more stress on the child

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video game.
Create a tremendous amount of

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stress and a cortisol Rush that
cause children to not be able to

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become and thought through the
get much more aggressive.

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So, yeah, the screens are
disaster.

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The lack of sleep is a very big
problem and this is something

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that we actually still can do
something about was parental

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00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,900
controls on the screens and way
more awareness.

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Hmm.
And luckily, there are bigger

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companies that because Has of be
awareness of the mental health

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problem, and The Addictive
nature of social media of game

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is like, finally starting to add
in these things, but it had to

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come to lawsuits.
I think, and yeah, these things

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to force them to do so because
of course, they want people to

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spend more time and absorb their
content as much as possible.

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That's how they make their
money.

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00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:49,200
But, yeah, it really has been
doing a disservice if we think

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about the long-term trends on
mental health, and mental,

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00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,800
wellness, and emotional
Wellness.

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Yeah, Our kids really deserve a
little bit more of a protective

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00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,400
environment to grow up.
And there's an interesting Trend

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00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:05,500
where we've kind of removed kids
from the outdoors.

301
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Because we've been convinced of
the outdoors or dangerous, they

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could run into a wild animal,
they could God forbid, you know,

303
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:18,600
get hurt or drown in a creek and
so we're keeping them indoors.

304
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:22,900
But what we're doing is we're
handing them a device which is

305
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:26,500
potentially way more dangerous.
Dangerous, the kind of of

306
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:29,800
information that they're
receiving from that device is

307
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extremely aggressive on their
brains and whereas nature, we

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00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,300
have to watch children wherever
we put them.

309
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But when we put one danger of
the unknown of nature against

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the danger of, keeping them
indoors with a lot of junk food

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and a screen, I choose a really
good hike and letting kids make

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00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,700
a campfire with some
supervision.

313
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Hmm.
Yeah, that's actually a really

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00:18:57,300 --> 00:19:01,000
good alternative versus what we
have today and hopefully we're

315
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:04,700
starting to get a trend Back To
Nature and back to, you know,

316
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:07,900
finding the beauty of being in
the Great Outdoors for kids.

317
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:11,100
Now, we're touching on something
so important because, you know,

318
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as new parents, it's hard
enough.

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00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:16,700
Raising children to be fully
functional human beings as they

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00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:19,000
grow up and really great adults
that are contributing to

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00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,500
society.
It's so hard and then you throw

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00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:24,700
on top of it that there's no
Divergence e and 8.

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00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,800
ADHD is one of them, of course,
being on the Spectrum or OCT, or

324
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,500
any of these wonderful diagnoses
that are coming up these days,

325
00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:34,900
that pose challenges to parents
that otherwise don't know what

326
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:36,800
to do.
As you had mentioned, the school

327
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,600
is like fix your child, your the
behavior issues you need to get

328
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:43,400
them to see a doctor, maybe
Medicaid or or what have you and

329
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,100
it's overwhelming for the
parent.

330
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,900
You've had the wonderful good
fortune and good ability to be

331
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:52,100
able to coach parents and Coach
teacher's on this front, what

332
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:53,900
are some of the things that they
can do?

333
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:56,000
That can be in there?
Look at that might be able to

334
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,700
help with pleasure.
I'd love to share that because

335
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:04,200
I've been at this for so long
and I feel very grateful for the

336
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,300
information that came my way
that I was able to use.

337
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:11,800
And I feel like a conduit that
just passes through me to anyone

338
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,800
who's listening, who can use the
help.

339
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:18,400
First of all, it's really,
really important to take a big

340
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:23,200
deep breath and know that your
child is healthy and your child

341
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,400
is struggling.
So your child Does need the

342
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,900
help, but your child's healthy
and your child's is just the way

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00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:32,100
he or she is supposed to be.
That's really number one.

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00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,800
Once you could really convince
yourself of that.

345
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,300
When my clients leave my office,
they're saying a mantra to

346
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:40,000
myself.
My child is healthy.

347
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,600
My child is wonderful.
Mother will say, my child is

348
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:48,300
just mean and I see one second
one second, your child would do.

349
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,900
Well, if the environment
permitted.

350
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:55,400
So what's happening to trigger
your child and we Their child to

351
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,600
be calm.
We're not going to settle for

352
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:01,900
our child bullying others, but
we have to say this is a healthy

353
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:06,200
child being faced with a choice
that he or she does not have the

354
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,700
tools to deal with why?
And how can we help?

355
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:14,100
So, besides for that I think the
next step would be for us

356
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:18,600
parents to really look at
ourselves and wonder what's

357
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,700
going on in our voices.
You said it's so difficult being

358
00:21:21,700 --> 00:21:25,200
a parent and the reason it's
even more complex Has to be a

359
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,400
parent and I love being a mom.
It has everything in it, the

360
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,400
joy, the Heartbreak, and
everything in between, but we

361
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:39,700
all come to Parenting immature.
And with a huge suitcase of all

362
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:44,400
our old voices, and experiences,
and everything that we've

363
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:49,200
brought along with us and often
when we respond to our children,

364
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,100
it's coming from our own
insecurities and our own

365
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:58,400
self-doubt and our own Dismay
this is his child ever going to

366
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,900
be normal.
So, therefore, that next step is

367
00:22:01,900 --> 00:22:04,600
to clear our own voices.
And I really take parents

368
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,200
through a journey on this
because we have to be good to

369
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,200
ourselves in order to be good to
our children.

370
00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:14,400
After that, we can work on.
I have a three-pronged plan for

371
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,800
parents of a child with an
instant gratification

372
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:20,900
personality ADHD.
Now for talking about ADHD being

373
00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:25,600
caused by screen addiction, lack
of sleep, Stress.

374
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,300
Trauma abuse.
Those have a bit of a different

375
00:22:29,300 --> 00:22:32,800
plan and that I talk about later
on, but if we're talking about

376
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:36,000
that genetic instant
gratification personality, then

377
00:22:36,100 --> 00:22:38,900
we're working with the child to
create habits.

378
00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:43,000
Our child needs a lot of our
attention and if you are a

379
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:48,200
parent of a kid with ADHD, you
know that this child sucks up

380
00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:52,500
all of your energy and usually
the child sucks it up in a

381
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:54,900
negative way.
Because it's easier for us to I

382
00:22:54,900 --> 00:22:58,300
yelled and complement.
So since that child needs our

383
00:22:58,300 --> 00:23:03,200
attention, we really have to
turn our energy around and be

384
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,700
able to give that child positive
attention, instead of - and tell

385
00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:10,100
the child, exactly what they did
in order to get that positive

386
00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:13,400
attention essentially.
And if you do just this, you'll

387
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:18,200
see remarkable results because
you're going to catch the child

388
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:19,700
doing the right thing and then
use it.

389
00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:22,100
Yeah, that's the thing.
That's example because we're

390
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:25,100
always saying to the kid you're
doing this wrong in this, This

391
00:23:25,100 --> 00:23:28,100
one, they're not learning
anything, they don't hear you,

392
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,800
but when you catch them doing
the right thing, and you give a

393
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:35,600
generous enthusiastic loving
compliment without adding the

394
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:39,900
negative, then you can turn
around the environment in your

395
00:23:39,908 --> 00:23:43,200
house because your child will,
then start choosing to get your

396
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,300
positive attention after that.
The next two steps are going to

397
00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:49,600
be working on creating habits
because these kids are allergic

398
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,900
to habits.
They are instant gratification

399
00:23:52,900 --> 00:23:56,000
engines so they'll do.
Do something as long as it's

400
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:59,300
interesting and fun for them.
But the second it loses that

401
00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:03,800
novelty the move on, and you
can't create habits.

402
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:08,500
If you're always doing something
new, which is, why waking this

403
00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:11,400
child up in the morning, always
feels like it's like a brand-new

404
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,900
experience and I've been waking
what for 5000 mornings, but it's

405
00:24:14,900 --> 00:24:18,200
brand-new because what's getting
me out of bed today, it's more

406
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:21,000
fun for him to stay in bed than
to get out of bed because it's

407
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:25,300
another school day.
So therefore, getting a New

408
00:24:25,300 --> 00:24:30,300
behaviors is something very
important and we do that with a

409
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:35,000
skills chart that we work on for
a full month and as well as the

410
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:40,300
final prong of this is really
healthy respectful discipline we

411
00:24:40,300 --> 00:24:44,200
have to get that right because
this child will though he's

412
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,400
really rejecting all these
boundaries, he needs it more

413
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:51,300
than everybody else.
So with that three-prong plan we

414
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:53,600
make beautiful progress.
Wow.

415
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,400
That is so helpful.
Well thank you so much.

416
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,100
I'm curious because I'm sure a
lot of parents who might be

417
00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:03,000
listening might be intrigued
like what does healthy and

418
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,600
constructive discipline really
look like.

419
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,500
You know some people might be
doing it wrong I might just be

420
00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:11,100
punishing him and just like
pulling away the screen and not

421
00:25:11,100 --> 00:25:13,900
doing it quote unquote, right?
Like what wood is there

422
00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:16,500
something that could be modeled
after a some example that you

423
00:25:16,508 --> 00:25:20,800
might be able to provide?
So the unhealthy is what most of

424
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,900
us do.
And we do it naturally which is

425
00:25:23,300 --> 00:25:28,400
threatening yelling Hitting a
child or just ignoring.

426
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:33,800
Now, all of those are not good
because when a child does

427
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:38,300
something wrong and we ignore
it, what we're saying is, I

428
00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:41,900
don't trust you to be better.
I don't think that you can

429
00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:45,000
improve and therefore I'm just
letting you go with it because

430
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,600
this is all you're capable of.
So we're abandoning our child

431
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:52,000
and therefore, we never going to
ignore unwanted Behavior.

432
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:55,300
But what we are going to do
isn't that I I call this the

433
00:25:55,300 --> 00:26:00,000
cookie punishment, and what it
is, is that when someone does

434
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,600
something wrong, I'll give an
example.

435
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,300
Let's say you say, do you have a
sister?

436
00:26:04,900 --> 00:26:05,700
I do?
Yes.

437
00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:09,300
Okay, so let's say you say
something nasty to your sister

438
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,200
and I'm assuming you and do
that.

439
00:26:11,300 --> 00:26:16,100
But let's say that happens.
And you you feel bad about it

440
00:26:16,100 --> 00:26:18,600
afterwards and you want to do
something for her.

441
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,900
So the normal thing to do would
be to call her and say, you're

442
00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:26,100
sorry, go over and give her a
hug but Very often, we want to

443
00:26:26,108 --> 00:26:29,200
do something more so maybe you
want to make her some cookies

444
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,000
and when you make those cookies,
who are the cookies for there

445
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,500
for you, they're not for her.
She probably doesn't even want

446
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:38,500
the cookies.
So the point is, when we do

447
00:26:38,500 --> 00:26:41,500
something, what we're doing is,
we're making ourselves feel

448
00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:44,900
better and we're bringing more
light to the relationship and to

449
00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:48,000
the environment.
So what I say to parents is and

450
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,400
I do this myself all the time is
that when a child does something

451
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,100
wrong, first of all, we have to
tell the child beforehand.

452
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,800
What we Affected them, it can't
be guesswork.

453
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,600
The child has to know what the
rules of our home.

454
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,300
Our we're not posting the rules
but we're expressing it very,

455
00:27:01,300 --> 00:27:03,500
very clearly.
Therefore we're not going to

456
00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:06,200
warn 10 times.
We're going to say it once we

457
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:11,000
might even say it twice but then
once we know the child's heard,

458
00:27:11,100 --> 00:27:13,800
we're going to move right into
the punishment because again

459
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,300
it's a hug for our child.
It's a statement of I believe in

460
00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:19,100
you.
I know you can do better.

461
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,700
You're a great kid.
So the kid does something wrong.

462
00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:27,900
Let's say smack a sibling.
Now, you say Sammy in our home,

463
00:27:28,100 --> 00:27:29,800
you're not allowed a snack as
the blink.

464
00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:33,500
That is not respectful and then
you say not want you to stop.

465
00:27:33,700 --> 00:27:36,900
And I'm going to ask you to do
something and you can explain

466
00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:39,100
the punishment to your child
before as well.

467
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,800
And therefore, it's not going to
be threatening and because we

468
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,700
don't need threatening and we
don't need pain, we need a

469
00:27:45,700 --> 00:27:49,200
message of you can do better.
So we're going to ask the child

470
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:53,100
to straighten something up or
clean a couple of dishes or

471
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,800
organize a messy drawer.
We all have messy drawers, this

472
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,600
bothers parents at the beginning
because they say one second.

473
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,400
My child should love to do
chores.

474
00:28:01,900 --> 00:28:05,200
And I'm like, okay, I've known
kids for a long time, and I know

475
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,800
myself for a long time, nobody
likes chores.

476
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:11,700
So, we're using chores as a
neutral to slightly leaning -

477
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,400
and what's amazing about it, is
that a child is way smarter than

478
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,200
we are because a child
understands that when they do

479
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,800
something good, then they're
bringing that light to our home

480
00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:25,200
and we're happy.
So when they do a chore, They're

481
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:30,300
doing the exact same thing.
So both of them bring a make our

482
00:28:30,300 --> 00:28:34,600
environment better.
And then what is really great is

483
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:38,200
that once we're finished with
the punishment and Sammy has

484
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,600
gone ahead and organize that
drawer.

485
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:44,600
We say thank you, you really
great at organizing and we're

486
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,600
done so that compliments at the
end with a child remembers that

487
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:52,700
he listened and he did what his
parents asked him to do.

488
00:28:52,900 --> 00:28:56,000
So that's the cookie punishment.
And the parents are listening

489
00:28:56,000 --> 00:29:00,900
and saying, yeah, but my kid is
not going to listen and try.

490
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,000
I can't get my kid to like, put
his underwear in the laundry

491
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:06,800
basket.
So, you know, I'm going to get

492
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,100
him to listen to me when I say
now.

493
00:29:09,100 --> 00:29:13,600
Go clean, three dishes, no way.
So I said no problem.

494
00:29:13,700 --> 00:29:17,100
You offer that as the
punishment, the child doesn't

495
00:29:17,100 --> 00:29:20,300
take it and some people call it
a correction, you offer that as

496
00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:24,400
the correction and then if the
child doesn't take it and that's

497
00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:29,000
the Child's choice.
This is respect child's allowed

498
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,800
to have a choice and that case
we're saying no problem.

499
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,000
And we're going to take away
either an item or a privilege

500
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:38,800
for a short amount of time at
treat that you're giving out or

501
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,600
the toy that they're playing
with right now, something for a

502
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:44,600
short amount of time it should.
Again, it should not be

503
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:48,300
something that causes a lot of
pain and suffering but rather a

504
00:29:48,300 --> 00:29:51,200
quick message, you can't do
this.

505
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,600
So give a quick example, we were
on our way to the beach as

506
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,800
Family when my kids were a
little bit younger and one of my

507
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,900
daughter's just kind of clocked
her brother over the head

508
00:30:01,100 --> 00:30:05,100
because he was sitting at the
window and that's was her seat.

509
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:09,800
So I said to her, we don't hit,
that's not respectful.

510
00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:11,800
We're not allowed to do that in
our family.

511
00:30:11,900 --> 00:30:14,800
When we get to the beach you're
going to sit next to me on the

512
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:19,000
sand for 15 minutes and then you
go into the water and it's very

513
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:23,600
important if you're going to
choose a punishment that you not

514
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:25,300
choose something you can't.
Handle.

515
00:30:25,300 --> 00:30:28,400
If the punishment is too big,
you're essentially going to be

516
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:31,200
begging your children to say
they're sorry.

517
00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:33,700
So you could cancel the
punishment but when you cancel

518
00:30:33,700 --> 00:30:36,900
the punishment you just lost the
teeth of it and no lesson has

519
00:30:36,908 --> 00:30:40,100
been learned.
So make the punishments in a way

520
00:30:40,100 --> 00:30:43,000
that they're small enough for
you to handle big enough for

521
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:46,600
your child to feel.
It's a sweet spot and it's a

522
00:30:46,608 --> 00:30:48,800
good system and it's worked very
well.

523
00:30:48,900 --> 00:30:53,000
Parents are skeptical, but then
when they go home and try it

524
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:54,600
they always come back to me as I
am.

525
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,100
Worked.
I can't believe it and works in

526
00:30:57,108 --> 00:30:59,500
the classroom as well, by the
way, for the teachers.

527
00:30:59,500 --> 00:31:02,100
Anything I was gonna say I'm
sure that there are parents that

528
00:31:02,100 --> 00:31:04,700
are like my kids, just Defiance,
he won't even do what I tell

529
00:31:04,700 --> 00:31:06,000
him.
So, you know, and then it's not

530
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:09,000
like they can or want to
physically force them to do

531
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:11,000
certain things.
And so what do you do?

532
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,900
And when it gets to that
particular Junction, when I need

533
00:31:13,900 --> 00:31:16,700
to add one more thing, which is
really important, okay?

534
00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:21,300
We cannot punish our children
and let's our home environment

535
00:31:21,300 --> 00:31:26,900
is positive because of this is a
child who needs our feedback and

536
00:31:26,900 --> 00:31:32,000
our feedback is mainly - she or
he is always going to trigger us

537
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:36,500
for negative responses.
So we have to have established

538
00:31:36,500 --> 00:31:40,100
an environment where our home is
positive.

539
00:31:40,300 --> 00:31:43,500
Once our home is positive, then
here and there, you will need to

540
00:31:43,508 --> 00:31:45,600
have a punishment because the
child will have trouble

541
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:48,600
choosing.
But if the home is positive and

542
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:53,000
we're giving compliments and
proud of our child, then the

543
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:57,500
child will mainly very Easily be
able to choose a positive

544
00:31:57,500 --> 00:32:00,300
behavior and every once in a
while will slip up.

545
00:32:00,500 --> 00:32:04,100
So first you are working on the
compliments, don't touch the

546
00:32:04,100 --> 00:32:08,200
punishment and so you got that
down, pat that is brilliant

547
00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:12,200
advice because I can definitely
see situations where they

548
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:15,100
haven't yet built up to a
positive environment.

549
00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:19,500
And then it becomes
extraordinarily difficult for

550
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,900
anybody to feel strong enough to
be able to, uphold anything

551
00:32:22,900 --> 00:32:25,200
positive.
If and nothing has been Modeled

552
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:28,300
to show them positivity.
Exactly.

553
00:32:28,500 --> 00:32:30,000
Exactly.
Yeah.

554
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:33,000
Wow.
So Abigail you've also written a

555
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:36,600
book called hyper healing.
Can you tell us about that?

556
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:40,200
Yeah, so that was a long
journey.

557
00:32:40,300 --> 00:32:43,300
I actually finished writing
hyper healing during the first

558
00:32:43,300 --> 00:32:46,500
covid lockdown, which was kind
of insane because I was locked

559
00:32:46,500 --> 00:32:50,100
in my house with six children
and my husband as so.

560
00:32:50,100 --> 00:32:53,500
It's like a constant party
around here.

561
00:32:53,900 --> 00:32:56,300
I don't wake up.
Two hours before my kids just to

562
00:32:56,300 --> 00:33:00,500
get some writing done but the
book itself, it's a real labor

563
00:33:00,500 --> 00:33:03,800
of love because it took me a
very long time to put it

564
00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:06,600
together.
And what I really wanted to pass

565
00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:10,600
forward as a gift to all
parents, teachers therapists and

566
00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:14,900
anyone else who's touched by
ADHD, is that the child's

567
00:33:14,900 --> 00:33:20,100
healthy and that we need to take
a journey of curiosity and try

568
00:33:20,100 --> 00:33:24,500
to figure out what's going on
for each individual child and

569
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:28,200
Therefore the book presents, all
the different causes of ADHD

570
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:35,000
symptoms and offers a very easy
to follow Hands-On program for

571
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,800
each of these symptoms.
So, I have what we talked about

572
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:41,300
today, the complements the
punishment, the skills

573
00:33:41,300 --> 00:33:45,600
development, this screen
addiction the asleep program, a

574
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:48,400
30 day challenge to clean up a
child's gut.

575
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:53,300
If the symptoms that he's
experiencing come from a gut

576
00:33:53,300 --> 00:33:59,300
dysbiosis, which is Very common
and I hope parents see the

577
00:33:59,300 --> 00:34:03,800
symptoms and see the signs that
direct them toward understanding

578
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:07,700
what's going on and since I know
that this is very genetic, I

579
00:34:07,700 --> 00:34:12,600
wrote the book so that a parent
who has ADHD themselves, can

580
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:15,900
also read the book easily.
I have a cheat sheet at the end

581
00:34:15,900 --> 00:34:19,699
of every chapter and action plan
at the end of every chapter and

582
00:34:19,699 --> 00:34:24,199
my biggest dream is that parents
actually read it in a group that

583
00:34:24,199 --> 00:34:28,000
you Create a group together and
you support each other because

584
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:32,500
we really can't do anything.
This Monumental and significant

585
00:34:32,500 --> 00:34:36,300
in a vacuum, we need our friends
and we need our neighbors to be

586
00:34:36,300 --> 00:34:39,900
working on this together.
Setting goals together,

587
00:34:39,900 --> 00:34:43,000
congratulating each other crying
on each other's shoulders when

588
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:47,699
it doesn't work, but the book is
set up to be used exactly.

589
00:34:47,699 --> 00:34:53,100
That way as a group support
information, guide.

590
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:56,699
Oh my goodness, I Already know
several families that could

591
00:34:56,699 --> 00:34:59,800
really benefit from this book.
I'm going to look it up right

592
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:04,000
after this, that's amazing.
Well Abigail I also know that

593
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:07,300
you're really passionate about
empowering women, listening to

594
00:35:07,300 --> 00:35:09,800
our inner voice.
What have you learned from your

595
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:12,700
experience about fortifying?
Your own self-confidence

596
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:18,000
confidence in women is hard to
come by and I teach some college

597
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:20,800
and I was asking a question to
my students and I said, what

598
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:25,700
causes ADHD and it's teacher.
So we it's more of a female

599
00:35:25,700 --> 00:35:27,800
Fields, I have way more women in
the classroom.

600
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:31,400
Although men are more than
welcome and really contribute a

601
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,900
lot to the classroom and to the
school environments, we'd love

602
00:35:34,900 --> 00:35:37,600
to see more of them.
But so the women were raising

603
00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:41,700
their hands and blaming mothers,
and it's the mother's smoking,

604
00:35:41,700 --> 00:35:44,300
and it's the mother's
discipline, and I'm like, stop

605
00:35:44,300 --> 00:35:46,100
it.
Stop it.

606
00:35:46,300 --> 00:35:51,400
We are amazing.
We brought life into this world.

607
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:54,500
We're raising these kids.
We're doing everything, right?

608
00:35:54,700 --> 00:35:59,000
Juggling work and social, and
children, and food and home and

609
00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,500
we're amazing.
But I think that the first step

610
00:36:02,500 --> 00:36:08,000
for me was being able to just
stop and reflect on what a

611
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:10,800
chore.
I have what I have in my life

612
00:36:10,900 --> 00:36:14,700
and seeing that I'm doing.
All right, I'm pulling it off.

613
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:18,100
But in addition, what helped me
a lot was knowing that I didn't

614
00:36:18,100 --> 00:36:21,600
have to be perfect and that only
came along a little bit later,

615
00:36:21,900 --> 00:36:24,800
turning 40 helped by the way.
Also, I'll have, you know, No,

616
00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:29,000
turning 40.
For me was helpful because I

617
00:36:29,008 --> 00:36:32,100
felt like I had arrived, like
had the knowledge.

618
00:36:32,100 --> 00:36:36,700
I was an adult and had all these
life experiences, so if we can

619
00:36:36,700 --> 00:36:41,200
go through life women, please,
if we can go through life

620
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:44,000
stopping to think, we have to be
perfect all the time.

621
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:47,100
If to be super Mama, we have to
look gorgeous all the time and

622
00:36:47,100 --> 00:36:52,100
it's together and dinner on the
table and making six figures and

623
00:36:52,100 --> 00:36:55,700
all that.
And we say today, Is a new day.

624
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,600
How am I do better today than I
did yesterday?

625
00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:02,600
Or if I don't do better, how am
I going to learn for it today so

626
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:06,900
that I can do better tomorrow?
That to me is the way we build

627
00:37:06,900 --> 00:37:08,900
our confidence.
Yeah, yeah.

628
00:37:08,900 --> 00:37:11,900
And it's so wonderful to be able
to have a support group as

629
00:37:11,900 --> 00:37:14,500
you've developed with your
teachers.

630
00:37:14,500 --> 00:37:17,700
And, you know, just really help
to build each other up because,

631
00:37:17,700 --> 00:37:21,000
of course it's supposed to come
from within, but we all need

632
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:22,200
help.
Sometimes, let's face it.

633
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,000
We all need to have those
Reflections.

634
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:27,300
Those Hers to shine and
sometimes remind us of how

635
00:37:27,300 --> 00:37:29,800
awesome that we are.
It does definitely help.

636
00:37:30,300 --> 00:37:31,500
Yeah.
Yeah.

637
00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:34,500
And it's nice to also, I keep
going back to this.

638
00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:38,200
We need a community.
The really the epidemic of our

639
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:41,900
times is that loneliness, and
when we're raising our kids in a

640
00:37:41,908 --> 00:37:45,900
vacuum, it's very hard because
our kids are behaving in a

641
00:37:45,908 --> 00:37:48,400
certain way and we think, oh my
God.

642
00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:51,500
Why is my child behaving, this
way?

643
00:37:51,500 --> 00:37:54,300
What's wrong with him?
Or what's wrong with me?

644
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:58,200
And then, when you stick your
nose outside of your tiny

645
00:37:58,200 --> 00:38:00,700
environment, do you speak to
another parent?

646
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,200
Oh, it happens in your house,
too.

647
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:05,900
Okay.
And that's why I love running

648
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:10,100
groups for parents because
you're sitting in a room full of

649
00:38:10,500 --> 00:38:15,800
amazing dedicated parents who
are doing their best and they

650
00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:19,200
look great and they're put
together and all of them are

651
00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:22,700
struggling with kids that are
having a really hard time.

652
00:38:22,900 --> 00:38:26,400
But when they look at each
other, And they say oh you too.

653
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:31,400
All right, I'm not alone and I'm
not messing up.

654
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:35,300
We just have to do better.
Exactly.

655
00:38:35,300 --> 00:38:37,100
Oh my goodness.
Well, thank you so much.

656
00:38:37,100 --> 00:38:40,500
Abigail for all of this
information that you provided,

657
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,400
I'm going to put all of your
information in the show notes so

658
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,600
that people can find you and
also buy your book, hyper

659
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:49,600
healing and your second book is
coming out soon and I wish you

660
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:53,200
the very best of days.
Thank you so much for being on

661
00:38:54,900 --> 00:38:57,300
This is wonderful.
Thank you, appreciate it.