The Journey to Happiness with Dr. Marissa Pei

Jennifer Norman:
Hello, beautiful humans. Welcome to The Human Beauty Movement Podcast, your source for hope, healing, happiness and humanity. My name is Jennifer Norman. I'm the founder of The Human Beauty Movement and your host. This podcast is here to guide you on your journey of self, love, empowerment, soul alignment and joy. With each episode, I invite beautiful humans from all corners of the globe to join me for open conversations about their life lessons and the important work that they are doing to help heal humankind. Take a moment now to subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss an episode. I'm so glad you're here joining me for today's show.

Jennifer Norman:
Today my guest is someone who doesn't just talk about balance. She, she radiates it. Dr. Marissa Pei is known far and wide as the Asian Oprah because she is a dynamic force of nature. She's the host and producer of the talk show, "Take My Advice, I'm Not Using It. Get Balanced With Dr. Marissa," syndicated across every major streaming platform.

Jennifer Norman:
She's a number one Amazon best selling author of 8 Ways to Happiness From Wherever You Are. And her mission is to spark hope and joy in a world weighed down by stories, stress, division and suffering. Dr. Marissa is an organizational psychologist who's coached Fortune 500 execs. She's a former professor at both UCLA and Boston University, and she's an award winning filmmaker whose lens focuses on race, resilience and the beauty of healing. Oh, and did I mention she does stand up comedy too? Yes. This woman brings brain science and belly laughs. Her entire career is a living, breathing reminder that we are meant to live fully and love openly.

Jennifer Norman:
Welcome to the show, Dr. Marissa.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Thank you so much, Jennifer, for having me. I feel like I'm definitely preaching to the choir today and look forward to our conversation. I love getting to know like minded, love hearted people as well, especially Asian Pride.

Jennifer Norman:
Asian Pride, yes, absolutely. Well, I mean, when I came across your profile and I was able to have this interview with you, I said to myself, oh my goodness, this is so perfect because you just embody the values of The Human Beauty Movement, the podcast, and really, I think from lifting up marginalized voices, really helping to give pride to underserved and underrepresented communities. I mean, I think that it's really very special and it's very powerful and something to kind of, of just sit back and really feel honor in the ability and the gift that we have to be able to bring voices to the Asian community, to women, to strong women, all of that.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
That's right. Shì shì.

Jennifer Norman:
Shì shì. Beautiful. Beautiful. I Wanted to start where your light shines brightest, your mission. And that's kind of summarized by your tagline. You've got this fun tagline, which is "don't die wondering." You've got to share what that sounds story is that is behind this mantra and how it became your North Star.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I love my life. Between #DancingQueen and #Ilovemylife, I have not always felt that way. I'm one of the seven out of ten of us who had childhood trauma. And that's the majority of us, by the way. And it brought me to my knees, proverbially wondering, why don't I feel happy? And why do I think that there's something wrong with me, that I will always be behind that I will always be not tooled with what everybody else got. When I'm the majority, 7 out of 10 of us, that's the majority. My honorable moniker, Oprah, says it's as high as 8 out of 10.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And by the way, I was introduced to Oprah as the Asian Oprah, which was really nice by Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith. And I didn't make that name up myself. And it is truly an honor roll, a moniker because I do credit her with bringing these meaningful discussions to mainstream. She came in when Jerry Springer and and all of the craziness that people can show was the predominant message. So I'm going to give you a little bit of the longer version only because it's a podcast show and it's more than a sound bite, if you don't mind.

Jennifer Norman:
No, no.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
So. So I was the typical feeling like I was damaged goods because I didn't have a loving home where I was told that I was the most beautiful or that my mother was my best friend and she was my biggest fan. I didn't grow up with that. I grew up with a tiger mom on steroids who used negative motivation, which is normal, right? In many cultures where if I tell you you're fat and ugly, it's because I don't want you to be fat and ugly. Therefore, I'm going to tell you as negative motivation for you not to be that way. So, however, as a kid, I really thought I was fat and ugly. And that voice of hers continued to my adulthood where I would collect criticism, and that became that voice in my head called the critic. And guess what I named my critic? Rose.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And guess what my mom's name was? Rose, because that's how I identified myself. And I had to constantly prove that I was not fat and ugly, that I was not clumsy, that I was not stupid. And to overachieve because I equated that with love. And I know that I'm not alone. And that is why I'm on this mission, is that there's so many of us, the majority, who feel like our past defines who we are for the rest of our lives. And that pain from the past or the fear of our future keeps us in this place of I'm okay, I'm fine, even keel. I'm not going to get too excited about life because it's just life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm going to hold my breath so that you're not going to hurt me.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
All of those adages that so many of us are living right now is a sure fire way to have a horrible life. To sing the song life sucks, right? And so when I say don't die wondering, it's a reflection of the turning point where I realized that if it is the majority, there's got to be some role to pain. There's got to be some reason why bad things happen to everybody. There's got to be a reason. Where did we pick up this message that life was easy? Where did we pick up this message that bad things only happen to bad people or good people and that tragedy is something unusual? What I've realized is pain in life is mandatory, baby. We all have some kind of pain because it helps us chisel into the beautiful sculptures that we all are. And so once I am able to see pain as mandatory but suffering from it as optional, then my life becomes a joyride with so many stops that I can choose to experience or choose to be completely oblivious to because I'm living in the worried prattle of my head. Worried about this and another Covid and the loss of this and the my kids and my parents and myself and my health and money and there's so many things to worry about.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
The beautiful Native American saying, if you live in the worried prattle of your head, it's as if you're sitting in front of the Grand Canyon with a paper bag over your head. And that's what so many of us are doing because we live in, in that paranoia instead of pronoia, worst case scenario instead of best case scenario. Worrying in being in fear, which stands for future events already ruined, which is one of my favorites. And that's a choice that is a habit that so many of us have been conditioned, taught, just lazy, letting news producers feed you. As my big brother, Michael Bernard Beckwith will say that media is a weapon of mass distraction. Right? You're listening to what they want you to hear, which is shock and awe. If it bleeds it leads. So the buck stops right over here.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
When we can begin to take responsibility for our attention, for our focus, for our choices of what we're looking at, then we can have a happy life 88% of the time. Can't be happy 100% of the time. You can if you're dead. No contrast. But I say 88 because, I know you thought I was Swedish, but I'm actually Chinese. And eight is a lucky number in Chinese. It's a common code for good.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
So that's my goal. I'm on a Happy 88 mission. 88 million more happy people in the next eight years, frankly. Because I'm tired of seeing people depressed and fearful and anxious. And it adds to that low vibrating atmosphere around me. I love laughing. My favorite sound in the world.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I love love. I love care. I love creativity, I love desire, I love bliss. And I would like all those around me to feel that way so that we can really love and solve everything that is happening in the world when we come from that place.

Jennifer Norman:
Oh my gosh. There are so many rich pearls in what you just said. There are so many rich pearls. And I was thinking about the cliches. It's like, no grit, no pearl; no pressure, no diamond. And it helps us to just very simply think about what the pain is for. Yet it's very hard when you're going through that pain. When you've had childhood trauma.

Jennifer Norman:
A lot of us want to blame and look backwards and then we realize that perhaps we're living our lives for other people or as a revenge, some sort of just like animosity and self loathing because of what we've just absorbed into all of the cells of our body and healing past it, healing through it. I think these conversations help to the fact that everybody does have pain. Everybody has a story that has been in their past that they get to rewrite now at this very moment. And going forward they can turn a corner. And it is that choice, it is that power in that pause to say, you know what? I would rather be better and not bitter. I'm going to choose to live my life openly and in more harmony. And I'm going to be able to forget and forgive and really empathize with the past person that I was. Those past instances that may have caused me to be the way that I was.

Jennifer Norman:
But now I get to create something new. The phoenix out of the ashes. I know you like to say rising and coming into your own, your own authenticity.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Absolutely.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I say past the pain is the power and you have to work through that pain otherwise it will get infected. There's two extreme reactions to past pain. One is I'm going to bury it, I can't change it, so I'm going to pull myself up by the bootstraps and not deal with it. And then the other extreme is I'm going to deal with it over and over for 10 years with my therapist. And I identify with that pain. And that is. And that's my pain body and that's my pain mind.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And that's. Don't you know, I can't do anything because of that. And neither one of those extremes work very well, which is why I'm all about balance. And if you can not. By the way, the phoenix, interesting. My Chinese name is Pei Nian Feng and Pei is beloved. Which is my surname.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And then Nian is learned, Feng is Phoenix. So in my best selling book, the last chapter is called Phoenix Rising. So I'm thrilled about that. But yeah, that choice, which is, I think the most powerful tool in our human toolkit, is to not so much make sense out of what happened to us because there is a body of movement, not yours, but that says if I can understand why my mom was so angry or why my mom felt like she needed to beat the living crap out of me in order to feel good, or if I can understand that, then I can have compassion and empathy. Yes and no. Because then your forgiveness is from this I'm better than you place. And so one of the things that I teach that is so powerful about forgiveness has nothing to do with you or it's nothing to do with the person that did something to you, which is I'm going to be the better person and forgive you, or I'm going to forgive, but I won't forget, then don't bother forgiving because every time you think about that thing, you're going to get triggered. My definition of forgiveness is I love myself so much that I no longer choose to voluntarily and purposefully live in the pain of that past.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And I do that for me. That's why I'm forgiving you. And the freedom that you can gift yourself from that place is why I made that corner turn into the way I see my life now is not trying to get love from all the wrong places, trying to be the first to finish this or excel in that or be da da da da da. Because I equate approval with love. Which is how I grew up to. I'm not even doing this to show you. I think you alluded to that negative motivation of yeah, I'm going to prove to you that I'm not fat and ugly, but from the place of life is limitless. I don't go high, I go up.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Hashtag unlimited possibilities. Which is a frame. It's a choice to see life in this pair of glasses that doesn't see it in the same way we were raised. Jack of all trades, master of none, bull shiitake. You have a whole life that you can't do over. Not singular. No rollover. Once the day's gone, it's gone.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Non renewable energy. Why would you restrict yourself to say there's one thing that I get to do in life and make it up the ladder and get paid something good for that thing and that's it. Why would we think that? I'm so grateful that I was called a multi hyphenate last month. I had no idea what the heck that meant. I thought it was a bad thing. But multi hyphenate says no. You can be master of many different things. And why should you? As a corporate psychologist, I meet people every day in companies who hate their job.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
They stay because they got a nut. Big house payment, big car payment, whatever it is that they have to. So they have to stay. And now they are. I think the term right now they're using is quiet quitting. I call it dead people working, which is just give me the paycheck. Tell me what to do. You never wanted my ideas anyways.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Don't tell me what to do beyond my job description. And I will live for my weekends and my evenings. Except that if you've got responsibilities, the evenings are really not there either. So maybe your two weeks of vacation a year. You're living 6% of your life. Do you really want to do that?

Jennifer Norman:
It is dead. It is a dead way to live. No. No.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Yeah.

Jennifer Norman:
Wow. And it's very interesting how when we feel that we were not worthy as young people, if we felt like we weren't loved because we were critic or we just didn't have that self confidence that it seems like some people have. But perhaps we weren't born with it. It did lead. Like for me, I know I became a workaholic. And I think that it was just like this continuous seeking of approval. I would work constantly, all the all hours and hours into the night every day, God knows what. And a lot of people don't Take their vacations, even they'd rather do that because I think that it just keeps them busy.

Jennifer Norman:
You know, maybe it's just this mindlessness that they are not facing their demons and they're just kind of putting up within, just kind of complacent to live this life of. What do they say? That it's like silent desperation.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Like that. The screamer, that visual. The art piece.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I'm a systems theorist, which is counter to our American culture. We are Newtonian thinkers. Why do you think that way? Well, it's because of this. Why doesn't Wilfred work? Because it's this. And there's only one reason for things that are...

Jennifer Norman:
Cause-effect.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Right, Exactly. So I'm a systems... So there are multiple reasons why we have people like us. I call us recovering overachievers or recovering perfectionists or recovering control freaks. And I think that it's a combination of the messages that we were giving. If we're equating achievement to. To the approval and love. But I'm gonna say to react to your...

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Some people are born with more self confidence and say that I believe every single person is born with self assuredness, with self love. And my proof is watch a child who hasn't picked up all of those messages, 1, 2, like before 2. And you will see the most delighted, self confident, self loving, self laughing at self when they fall, resilient. And I'm beautiful. Like I'm beautiful. Hello, look at me. And that natural joy is what we all are born with because we are an extension of the creative force of love. We come from love, we die and go back into love.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
It's not really death, it's just in transitioning back into love, we're from pure love. And that pure love fuels us and creates us with that sense of I'm whole, I'm beautiful, I'm perfect. And then we learn that we're imperfect. And then we start to compare. And then we have that voice in our head that collects all of the criticism from whoever is criticizing us. And somewhere around the ages of 8, 9, 10, we begin to look outside and say, I'm not as smart as her. I'm not as pretty as her. I'm not as thin as that comparison.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
That is a separation from love. That is a separation from whatever you want to call that power outside of yourself, source, God, whatever it is. That's the dis ease of life. And that we pick up that dis ease and we add steroid to it. When we become perfectionists and perfectionists are people who, if you get 99 compliments and one insult, we focus on the one insult. Right. Or if you can have, you've achieved so much, but you're focused on, I don't want to be a one hit wonder and I'm only as good as my last whatever. Right.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
That perfectionism is robbing so many people of their happiness right now. And we blame this younger generation for not adopting the same work ethic and the respect and all that. And when it's like, honey, they watched you us slave away and say, I'll be happy when I have this, this and this. But then you get it and you're still not happy. Right. So I wouldn't be so hard on this generation that doesn't necessarily want to wait till their bodies can't enjoy the things that they want to enjoy.

Jennifer Norman:
They're like for. Right. Why are you so working so hard? Why are you giving away your life to somebody else?

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Exactly.

Jennifer Norman:
Focusing on happiness. Yeah. Focusing on happiness is. I think that because we are in such a crisis from a mental health perspective, from a loneliness epidemic, from a depression epidemic, all of these things which are really detrimental. And I do see now people are really trying to get back into mindfulness, into happiness and balance. Now I want you to tell us about your book because you've got eight ways where people can find happiness wherever you are. I would love to hear some of the lessons. There it is.

Jennifer Norman:
There's the beautiful book.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Yeah. Does it look like me? It does. I'm all, I'm always like, sometimes I'm, oh, my hair. I look better in the picture.

Jennifer Norman:
You have a great style. It's a very, very recognizable style. It's amazing.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Thank you.

Jennifer Norman:
So tell us, what are your eight ways to happiness wherever anybody else is and what they're going through life. How can they become a little bit happier today than they were yesterday?

Dr. Marissa Pei:
The first chapter is Out of Loneliness into Hope. And we've talked about loneliness. You've brought it up, so let's just tackle that one. It is my opinion. I have a Ph.D. by the way. It is not in clinical psychology.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I did not want to go that route simply because I don't...I'm not an advocate of, of that extreme that I told you where you have to keep going through the pain over and over again to heal. I believe one time you just need to do it one full complete addressing of that pain and then you're good. You may cycle through it, but you have the tools. So I believe. I'm grateful that mental health has become something that we can talk about. And I mentioned Oprah. I also want to give kudos to Simone Biles, obviously, really helped with that and certainly Oprah's interviews with different people. However, I want to address Caleb Dressler is an Olympic gold medal swimmer and he wasn't as put out in the front as Simone Biles was necessarily.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
But I love his message on I had a gold medal. Why do I not like myself? I have a gold medal. Why am I my own worst enemy? And so when it comes to mental health and how we are dealing with that, I hope I don't step on any toes. But I do believe that sometimes the pendulum swings a little too far. And what has happened with this whole conversation is we say, okay, I have the awareness that I have it. And then how do I take something outside of myself to fix what's inside of myself? I'm not saying you, but I am saying that that has been pharmaceuticals jumping on it. Right? I'll make you feel better. And now if that drug doesn't make you feel better, I have another drug that will help that first drug help you make you feel better.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Common sense is uncommon. And then people will turn to if it's pharmaceutical or non pharmaceutical shopping or anything that numbs you out. So you do not feel that. And it's based on there's still something wrong with you. And that is not the solution. The solution is understanding that you are one, not your diagnosis. That has become one of the most damaging things through this journey into mental health is when people are so fixated on what's wrong with me and then finding relief in the diagnosis. And then all of a sudden, that's who I am.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I am clinically depressed. I am a depressed personality. I have a mental illness. And it is this. That proclamation and decision to see yourself only through that diagnosis is one of the biggest things hurting our ability to heal. Hmm. I've never said it like that. I'm gonna have to grab my own sound bite.

Jennifer Norman:
Yes, go for it.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And I'm grateful that I have this platform to come to this. That's why I said it might be a little unpopular. But I'm so happy that there are people talking about self care, self mastery. That's me. I was just brought back to UCLA to teach a course called Leadership, Effectiveness and and Happiness. And the premise of this course that I want to roll out everywhere is that the focus in our culture has been on professional mastery. Right? Everything that I achieve, the notoriety, fame and fortune, all of that. And yet you have people like Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams who had all of that.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
But the personal mastery, the self sabotage, the fear of success, the fear of failure. Failure, the dis. Ease of perfectionism has not been taught, addressed, worked on even by if I can go out on a limb, certain number of people in our field, right. It is all still about just do it, right? Push, push, push, push, push. That push feeds perfectionism, right? Do it. No pain, no gain. That's bullshitake. If you're in pain, that's a signal that you're not in your normal well being.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
That means you haven't claimed or are not living in the normal vibration of a cork that is on top of the water, not held underneath the water. Abraham Hicks.

Jennifer Norman:
Abraham Hicks.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Yeah, I knew you would recognize that. So I'm a combo of all the things that I have been taught that resonate with me, I kind of put them all in my doctor toolkit.

Jennifer Norman:
Love it.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And I really, really hope that if you're a person who is feeling a little bit better because now you've diagnosed yourself or someone's diagnosed you, is to back off of that a bit and realize that your diagnosis is not who you are. You are one of a kind, wonderful, with unique talents, gifts and abilities. There's not a throwback in the bunch. We're here on earth to feel good and to be happy 88% of the time and to create and innovate and respect and love and laugh and have good relationships, starting with ourselves. The diagnosis is just something that gives you an indication that you're not in your normal place of well being. That's all it is. And for many, I'm not saying that there isn't some disjointed your hormonal imbalance, but what came first, the thought thought that you hate yourself, which then changes your cellular and hormonal and your normal natural drug factory output inside your body. Did that come first or did the thought come first? Did the biology come first or the thought.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Because we now know it is not a hypothesis that your thoughts and your emotions impact your biology. You can make yourself sick and you can make yourself well. If you understand this is Harvard, Mayo Clinic. It's no longer a hypothesis. So why are we continuing to propagate our own illness by saying I am a depressed, I have a diagnosis of depression? No, you're not a diagnosis of depression. You are a one of a kind, wonderful, loving, lovable and loved individual wrapped in a warm blanket of worthiness who has temporarily forgotten that. And you have A habit. You've developed a habit of seeing the worst case scenario.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And when you react normally to that in sadness, you then focus on the sadness continuously. And when you do that, that's law of attraction, what you focus on grows bigger. It's like gravity. It works whether you believe it or not. And you fuel your own self sadness or depression, which I call sadness on steroids, by continuing to notice what's wrong, by continuing to notice what you're not doing well, by continuing to notice how they got it and I don't. And that habit, my friends, is yours to change. Oh, but Dr. Marissa, that's way too simplistic.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Oh really? Let me look at your habit in the morning. In the morning, do you start your day with gratitude? Do you take a bite of my gratitude sandwich and have breakfast with me on my show every morning and say what am I grateful for around me? Or do you wake up and pick up this thing and open it up and begin this meaningless scrolling to see how well someone else is doing and not you? Let me ask you that question. What's your habit at the end of the day? What is your habit? Is it the bottom of the bun, which is gratitude? Turn inwards, what do I like about myself instead of oh, I didn't finish that and oh, I did that wrong and oh, I shouldn't have said that or oh shit, shit, shit shooting on yourself or, or how dare they say that about me. No wonder you can't fall asleep. You don't get enough sleep, you're going to be depressed. We're not supposed to be happy when we don't get enough sleep. And if you take medication, you'll have side effects.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
They're not side effects, they're main effects. But I promise, if you can have personal mastery over that critic in your head that tells you that you're not good enough, you're going to have a good night's sleep. Most people, what do they do before they bed? Another mindless scrolling or binge watching till 3 in the morning over what?

Jennifer Norman:
Numbing? Yeah, yeah. You've talked about so many key aspects of why people aren't happy and what their habits are doing to and unknowingly because a lot of this is mindless. A lot of the habit effect of just waking up and judging through the day and feeling a little bit lost or unloved or ungrateful because of the comparison that we're doing. But just those little things really make a big difference over time. Those gratitude moments, appreciation moments, saying, you know what? These are the things that are really good about me. These are the things that I really like about me. You know, instead of looking at the one insult, I'm going to look at some. Some of the 99 positive compliments that people are saying to me.

Jennifer Norman:
Some of that really does help lift us up and get us out of that funk that we're in.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
It's your choice. It's your choice. And this is where the lack of self mastery is allowing you to blame other people for where you are. And when you're pointing your finger there, there's three pointing back at you. Everybody's heard that. But it truly is like, do you really like where you are? And if you don't like where you are, can you look at yourself instead of blaming somebody else first? That's the courage. That's the part where nobody wants to look at themselves. That's why we have addiction.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Right? That's the quickest way to not have to take responsibility is to take something that removes that sense of responsibility because you're numbing. That's all addiction is. It's a number. So it's your choice. And people tell me all the time, well, I can't. Okay, I do this instead, and I go, okay, is it working for you? No. Okay, well, then let's try something else. And I'm not saying that.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
8 Ways to Happiness from wherever you are in each one of those chapters is things that people feel. Heartbreak, hatred, loss, loneliness, control, fear. All of those things. Everybody feels that. But it's really your choice whether you want to work through that or not. That is, I can't make you do it. Plus, I'm not the only way. There are so many people, and this is the role of pain.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
There are so many people who've gone through what you've gone through and found a way to the power. Pass the pain through the power. I never tell people. This is the bible of how to know. It will work, especially for people who've had the kind of childhood trauma that I have. And I. That's what I think is the reason why bad things happen, is so that we all have some experience that helps us relate to someone else. So when we say, I know how you feel, we really do know how you feel, because we have experienced that, whatever it is.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
So there's so many people to learn from. There's an expression in the 12 step program called Contempt Before Investigation. So my journey into happiness had to start by saying, that may not have worked before, but it might work now. Or maybe I'm going To try something different. So even if it is just having breakfast with me on or off the show. I've had this podcast for 13 years, 683 consecutive weeks. They said I wouldn't last more than a year because I don't talk about headlines at all. No Kardashian talk. Nothing that's in the headlines.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Because I want to go to heartlines and I want you to be happy 88% of the time. So the topics and guests are all to that end. And I always start with breakfast. That's the blissful and that's the choice. If you want to do something different, you got to do something different. If you want to feel different, you got to do something different. If you want to feel different, you got to feel something different.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
You got to think something different. Some people go, oh, it's the behavior first and then the thought. And other people, it's, no, it's the thought. And then I don't care which one it is. Whatever works best for you, do it. Because I want happy people out there. I don't want dead people walking. I want people to feel good.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Why? Laughter is my favorite sound on the planet. You feel good, you're bound to laugh more. Cardio. Laughter is cardio for my soul. Right? I want people to know how one of a kind wonderful they are. Why? Because the solution to starvation, there's more than enough food in the world to feed all the starving children, but it's not happening. Why isn't that happening? Because we don't have personal mastery. If 88% of the people on the planet have personal mastery, we wouldn't have starvation, we wouldn't have homelessness, we wouldn't have all of these things that are a direct result of unhappy people.

Jennifer Norman:
I often like to remind people of the acronym DOSE as well, which is your dopamine, your oxytocin, your serotonin, and your endorphins. And so those are your happy molecules which you can cultivate by habit stacking and replacing the things that you might be doing to get those kinds of rewards. Before, it might have been addiction or like for your dopamine rush or sex or doom scrolling, whatever. That seems like it's exciting at first, but then it just crashes. Crashes like sugar. It's like empty calories, right? So do the things that are going to get you more positive and lasting rewards. Try to stack your habits so that, oh, if I go to the gym, then I'm actually gonna be fit and I'm gonna feel better and there's gonna be so many more rewards for my investment in this. Rather than like binge drinking all night, for example, which really doesn't have any rewards.

Jennifer Norman:
Your oxytocin. Make sure that you're hugging someone. And if you don't have a someone, get a pet. You know, it's like pet a dog, pet a cat. Something that helps you to feel those love molecules and that closeness to someone or something. But best thing is if you can, if you have a friend or a partner or somebody that you can really just feel affectionate with, that helps to bond and get you socialized and happy from that perspective.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
If I get a dog, people have said, because dogs love me, even ones that don't love others. I got that from my dad. And I love dogs so much, I call them hashtag unconditional dogs. Because we try to be loving unconditionally, but really can't do it. There's always like, if you love me, you would. But dogs love unconditionally. And so even if you don't have, if I got a dog, I'd never date again. But if you have a neighbor that has a dog, take the dog out for a walk.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I mean, that's what I suggest, you know, to put yourself into that place that you are noticing those things that are happier. Watch a dog live his life. I mean, that is, if that isn't happiness, I don't know what is. Right. But it is choice. It's always choice.

Jennifer Norman:
It's that thing that makes you go, ah, like cuddling.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Yeah, yeah. Find something fun.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah. Other things. Serotonin. Go out for a nature walk, get some natural sunlight. All of those things that can really help you just feel soothed and basked in just this blissful state. And then endorphins. Go out for a run. Make sure that you're working on your physical.

Jennifer Norman:
Get those happy molecules up by, like, moving your body. So the dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. If you're trying to think of a way to get yourself 88% happier 88% of the time, think about the ways that you can incorporate some of these things into your days. By starting with gratitude by just sitting in meditation and gratitfulness by getting out and seeing the morning sunlight, smelling a flower, giving somebody else a smile, making somebody else smile. All of these things will, little by little, get to a place where you'll feel a little bit better.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I'm going to put the moose on the table, which is my Canadian version of the elephant in the room. As you're talking, talking all these things that make sense. Common sense is uncommon. You may be saying, oh, of course, but you're not the boss of me and you're not going to tell me what to do. Well, I spoke about the critic in our heads who is always so hard on us. There's another character called the brat, and the brat's the one that says, you're not the boss of me. Who says, I can't have that Krispy Kreme donut. Don't tell me to take a walk. My favorite joke on this one is I wake up and my bathing suit says, darling, it's time to go for a swim.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
My sweatpants say, nah, you're good. Stay in bed. So to address again in personal mastery, the voice that you've allowed to become the driver of your life. So if you're a perfectionist, you've allowed the critic to drive your life car. It's going to go over a cliff. The way to personal mastery, the way to your happiness, is to actually address the criticism lovingly and say, darling, I love you. You've been yelling at me for a long time. Thank you for protecting me.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Because on the other hand of the critic is there's always a good flip side. And that flip side is the critic helped keep you alive. Otherwise you would have run across the street and be dead or have bottom of the hands with the hands on the stove. So you want to thank your critic, but I got this. I'm balance centered. Dr. Marissa, you have a seat. I've got the wheel.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And then to the voice that says, I don't feel like it. I can't do it. It's too much. I tried that before and it didn't work. I went walking and blah, blah, blah, and then I broke my leg. Blah, blah, blah, excuse, excuse, excuse. That's your brat. And the same thing.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
You want to take your brat and say, darling, I love you. Thank you for being so funny. Because you're the one that criticizes people and says, if I looked like you, I'd be miserable too. Thank you for the laughter. That's the opposite side of the brat is the fun, right? But if you're letting your brat drive your life car. Yeah, you're gonna gain weight sitting, binge watching and eating crap and not feeling good because you're not outside. And you're also going to constantly point your finger at other people for why your life is as it is. So personal mastery is saying, darling, you're, you're great and you're gonna be a wonderful in fun.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
However, telling me that I don't have to apologize to that person telling me that I don't have to make that call telling me I don't have to go to work, telling me I don't have to finish that project is not helpful to balance center Dr. Marissa. So I promise we'll go home and do something funny. Maybe we'll go people watch and criticize them in our heads. But I want you to sit in the car behind me, kitty corner so I can keep an eye on you. Fasten your seatbelt.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I love you but I got this balance centered. Dr. Marissa is driving my life car the way in the direction that I want on the joyride of my life. And that is the work that is in this book. It's self help on steroids. The exercises are there to get the critic out of the seat, the driver's seat and the brat of the seat. And there's the sad one. But we don't have time to go into that. But I encourage you and in fact, fact for all of your listeners I'll offer a free audiobook copy of the book so that you can. That's my Asian Oprah giveaway today for the show so that you really can.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And all you need to do is go to Dr. Marissa Life, Google Asian Oprah. It'll take you there and then put your email in and I'll send you a promo code because it's so important that you really. You don't get it's... time is a non renewable energy. You don't get it back. So if there's one more day and 15 minutes at a time, don't bite off. I'm going to run a marathon.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
No, I'm just going to go out and take a walk around the block. That's it. Or if I need to write something, I'll sit down and just do it for 15 minutes at a time. That's it. I N T B O A D. It's not that big of a deal.

Jennifer Norman:
Balance-Centered Dr. Marissa, I have a question for you about balance as a matter of fact. Because when somebody is overwhelmed, clearly they're not good. They're going to know that they're not feeling balanced, feeling anxious or if somebody's depressed, they're going to know that they're not feeling balanced either. What is the feeling of balance to somebody who is not familiar with it? The thing that I am questioning is perhaps some may say well, is that when I'm just in bed and I'm just relaxing, is that balance or is that just like a lack of motivation? How would... sweatpants Marissa is telling you to stay in bed or stay at home rather than going out to the bikini world? Like, what should I think? That's the funny word, isn't it here. But what would or what can balance and harmony really feel like to somebody who might be like, I just, I don't even know how that feels. I don't know how I know that I'm right or I'm there.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
You ready? Eyes gently closed. Take a deep breath in through the nose. Breathe in. And now release. Soft shoulders, soft elbows, soft knees. Activating the body with the breath. Another deep breath in and releasing all the stories and the drama. Activating the mind.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And one last deep breath in and release. Connecting with me. Eternal energy. Chi, the breath of life. Knowing that when I take a breath, I take nothing from you and vice versa. And now just sitting in this little space of freedom and well being, let a smile come to your lips and when you're ready, come back in the room. That was balance. It took less than 20 seconds. My clients have it on their phone so every top of the hour that whatever they're doing, they just stop, sit, connect with their creative limitless selves.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
So it's like a mini meditation, right? And that is balance. The only person who is overwhelmed is you. The only person that can get you back into balance is you, right? So it's as simple as that. That's all meditation is. In the morning, people ask me all the time, how long do you meditate? How do you meditate? Do you need a special word? All of that? I teach meditation and it is as simple as a breath. That's all you're doing, you're just breathing, you're not thinking, you're not creating, you're not. You may get an inspired thought or action or an inspired thought to have an inspired action. However, the point is just to begin to allow balance centered self to charge in.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
It's almost the visual is like taking my tail. Somebody's like, you got to get a better one. But it's very visual, right? You take your tail and you plug it in to the energy of the universe that creates the oceans where every drop is unlike the other. Every grain of sand is perfect, unique and unlike the other. Every leaf on the tree, that creative energy that makes sure the planets don't crash into each other while we're sleeping is accessible to all of us. Beings that plug in and just shut the thought up. Now, some people will say, oh, I can't get it to stop. I can't get it to stop.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
That's because you think you cannot get it to stop. The more you say that, the more true it becomes. So all you need to do is set your alarm for two minutes. First day, two minutes. You just follow your breath in, follow your breath out, follow your breath in, and then two minutes next day, three minutes, work up to 15, no more than 15. Because we have beautiful lives to live that we've gotten the energy to do with in the meditation for those who have truly, truly active minds that cannot sit still no matter what. That's why I created Balance Tai Qi Gong. It's a moving meditation that promotes inner peace one breath at a time.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
That is available at Dr. Marissa Life as well. $20, not a big deal. It allows you to move with your Qi, qigong, Tai chi, Yang school short form and happiness coaching.

Jennifer Norman:
Oh, brilliant. I love that a lot of these traditional Asian, I won't call them therapies, but I would call them modalities per se, are coming into Western culture and are more accepted now than they ever had been in the past. And I just love that you have that as an offering and a gift. That's just beautiful. Beautiful.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Thank you.

Jennifer Norman:
And speaking of Asian ness, I mean, we have to talk about what it's like to be an Asian woman in media and psychology spaces. I mean, how has it been for you?

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Asian women, the stereotype and the group difference is that in many Asian cultures... And I'm not going to condemn them there, it's just different. Life would be so boring if everyone was the same. But it is not a traditional role model to do what we do right. We're not supposed to be in front. We're not supposed to be talking. We're not supposed to have anything to say. We are good at cooking, cleaning.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
When a guy says to me, I've always been attracted to Asian women, I say, I'm not cooking for you. I'm not cleaning for you. The only way I'm walking on your back is with high heels on. And it looks like I'm very comfortable with what I do. But I have to say that it wasn't until about 10 years ago had an astrologist on my show and she did my charts, like the formal way. And I told her not to read until we got on the air. So on camera, and she opened it and she looked at it and went, oh, no. And I'm like, what? And she said, you're a Leo.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I go, I know I'm a Leo. Why do I have you on the show to tell me I'm a. She goes, no, you don't understand. You're a Leo in Five Planets. And I went, what does that mean? And she goes, you can't help yourself. You gotta be in front. You gotta be, you gotta win, you gotta be. That's who you know.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And in that moment, 8,000 pounds of shame for all that I've been doing that is not respected in my mother's, in my whole family of Chinese origin. Like what I do as psychology is not a respected field. I remember my cousin wouldn't let me talk to his daughter who wanted to go into psychology because it. Not until recently has that been something. Because you do not air dirty laundry about your family ever. Right? Right. Korean, same, Chinese same. I would say all of the Asian cultures and there's some cultures that are not Asian that also follow that.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And so being a speaker, as a motivational speaker, it's like stripping. You're not supposed to be on stage and you certainly don't say how good you are because Chinese the nail and Japanese the nail that stands up is hammered down. Right. Very strong negative motivation to stand out. So for me to do what I do, it took inordinate amounts of no fear, chuspah, all these the balls to do something so counter to my upbringing. But when she gave me that assessment from the astrological side, it gave me permission and I lost the shame. Wow. So I would say to any Asian woman who carries that is to again acknowledge the beauty of the culture that you came from, but know that you are capable of embracing more than one culture as well as understanding the changes in.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
In generation, the changes. We're just. We're not one thing, right? Just the same as we're not our diagnosis. We're not just Asian women. We're not just bound by some of those rules. No more binding feet. But sometimes we're still bound by that. That approach or whatever works for you.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
If it doesn't work, leave it there. Right. And then the other thing is the negative motivation from Tiger Moms. I absolutely. I'll never forget when I did that, did the book tour in China and I spoke to this embassy of women in the Beijing embassy about my past and there was not a dry eye in the place because they understood that the meanness. It's well meaning, though. And this is also what I will say.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
God, there's so much to say about Asian women, though.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Because it is. Is so dear to my heart is I. I feel for all the daughters who had well meaning moms who told them that their knees were fat or they're not as smart as that auntie's daughter or whatever it is. And that's the work past the pain is the power. If I can, I can blame my mom for the rest of my life for anything that I wasn't able to do because of either the fear or the anger or I can choose which I have done to this well meaning more mean than well, mom. Really, really. Say to her, I love you. And everything that you did, you did because you love me.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
You did the best that you could with the time that you had and the resources you had or didn't have. And for that I am grateful. I absolutely now. And now I have the freedom to call her every day and tell her I love her because I do. And because I have come to a place where it serves me to say that versus how could you do that? Why did you do that? Yeah, how could you be a mom like that? I did that for years. And where did it get me? A lot of anger. I picked a guy who was just similar to her. Not in the physical abuse, but in the emotional abuse.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Would introduce me as obese to his friends behind my back because I chose him. Many of us who've had childhood trauma choose mates who you feel comfortable in a negative way. Right. And that was my work. I had to own that and say I chose him. I don't blame my 'wusband' anymore. Formerly known as Dickwad. Because he gave me two beautiful girls that I couldn't have had without him. And he did the best that he could with the resources he didn't have in the time that he had.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Right. Same thing. By letting people off the hook. Not because I think I'm better than them, not because I think and condone what they did, but because it makes me feel better. And that's what my life is about. Esther Hicks. What is the best feeling thought I could have in this moment right now? If I don't choose that thought, then who's to blame for my dis ease with what I'm thinking about? The buck stops right over here. Because if I don't like what I'm looking at, why am I looking at it? Why am I talking about it? Why am I calling about it? Why am I writing about it? Because I'm choosing to continue to focus on something that doesn't feel good.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
And then when I don't feel good. Well, honey, got no one to blame. I gotta let everybody else off the hook and take responsibility for my choices of thinking, my choices of acting. Not to criticize myself because I screw up. Like, I know I'm 88% fabulous, but 12% of the time, I ain't fabulous. I step in it, I do some stupid stuff, right? And when I'm there, I call my God, my UPS man, my universal power source who delivers every morning when I'm out, meditate. And when I screw up, I don't have someone who punishes me or says, gotta have another lesson. Doesn't work for me when people say, life gives me lessons to keep learning until I get it.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I don't think so. Because we're human, we're gonna screw up. 12% of the time, we screw up. That's just the way we are. Perfectionism is a dis-ease with life. So 88% of time. In the beginning, I used to put my underwear on inside out.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Or if I had a chip in my nail, I wouldn't fix it because I had to learn that it was okay to live happily, not perfect. And when I step in it and when I say the wrong thing, I know how to apologize. I don't like it. But the universe is not punishing me and teaching me a lesson. In fact, my UPS man just goes, that was cute. Oh, she fell down. Oh, you want a hug? That's my life. So that way I can be happy 88% of the time.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
I don't have to beat myself up. I gonna be my own worst critic. I ain't gonna be my own worst enemy. I drive my life car in balance, happiness, peace. Why? Because frankly, my dear, it just feels better.

Jennifer Norman:
Dr. Marissa, first of all, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being such a ray of sunshine, for your sense of humor, for all the wisdom that you share, your joy, your courage, and being an example of what it means to live a full life and be your fullest self, even beyond the things that may have happened to us. We are here to turn the corner and become victors instead of victims. And really, that's what I think our whole mission is all about, is just how can we be empowered souls and listen to our higher selves to get to that next better feeling thought every single time that we choose to. I just want to thank you so much.

Dr. Marissa Pei:
Yeah, I like the butterfly behind you. That's a great, great symbol of the different phases of life. You have to be uncomfortable in the pupa and darken the pupa to be and then the balance in a butterfly is perfect.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah. Yeah. That's one that I resonate with so much. I was so happy somebody gifted it to me and it was just the colors and the fact that it's actually a real butterfly. It's a photograph. It's quite extraordinary. But I feel like I can talk to you for hours. I'm gonna close this one and hope hopefully I can invite you on again and we can talk about so many more things.

Jennifer Norman:
But I really appreciate you coming on The Human Beauty Movement podcast today and thank you so much for being a beautiful human.

Jennifer Norman:
Thank you for listening to The Human Beauty Movement podcast. Be sure to follow, rate and review us wherever you stream podcasts. The Human Beauty Movement is a community based platform that cultivates the beauty of humankind. Check out our our workshops, find us on social media and share our inspiration with all the beautiful humans in your life. Learn more at thehumanbeautymovement.com. Thank you so much for being a beautiful human.