Episode 44: Rach Wilson - Special Needs Parenting

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Hello, beautiful humans.
Welcome to another episode of

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Role Models juicy conversations
with beautiful humans.

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I'm Jennifer Norman founder of
the human Beauty movement and

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your host, this podcast thrives
on your support.

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share this episode with
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You know, across your networks
today.

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We're going to talk about
special needs parenting my

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guest.
Is Rachel Wilson, founder of

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divine relating and a
relationship coach for couples

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with autistic and or special
needs kids.

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Rach is a mum of, for her two
youngest are both autistic and

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nonverbal with diet limitations.
And since with challenges riches

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own life experience has inspired
her to focus on supporting

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couples who have the highest
break up rate couples with

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special needs kids.
Welcome Rach.

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Thank you so much for having me
Jennifer.

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I am delighted.
Oh boy.

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Now I am your target.
Lions.

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I am a single mom of a
special-needs child and I went

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through a Nikki divorce after my
son, turned ten.

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So, I would love to know what
made you decide to focus on

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couples with special needs kids.
Well, I've got two as you've

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said to youngest, both got high
needs, special needs challenges,

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and we went through what we have
affectionately called.

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Hell, yeah.
Hell yeah.

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We're both of them.
Had the most challenges all at

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the same time and there was
extreme sleep deprivation.

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Probation.
Because my son was having these

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excruciating pain episodes
multiple times during the night

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and then also during the day and
we found for him, the easiest

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and best thing was to drive him
because it's the car was a

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sensory environment so that help
to soothe the emotional pain and

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it allowed us to see what
physical pain when it stopped.

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And at night time, it also made
that the rest of the household

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sleep, because sometimes once he
was awake, he was awake for

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hours.
So when he's awake, I can't

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sleep.
So for a 12 months, my husband

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and I did do Shifts.
He did the usually the early

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shift which would last anywhere
up to 3 a.m. but he might be

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tapping at 11:00 hour.
Rule was when the second coffee

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gives out you have to tap the
other person in.

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So we're both living on multiple
copies of night time.

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We were both basically not
sleeping next to each other.

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We were in massive survival mode
and that doesn't even cover the

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level of survival ruin and then
our youngest who was only 12 at

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the time was having these
massive like are pick meltdowns

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and rages to the point of like
really hurting herself and going

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at Me if I touched her at like
can pull sensory meltdown, she

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would then go, it may try to
gouge my eyes out with my

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earrings out.
Scratch me, bite me and I've got

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scars from some of the scratches
that I wasn't able to miss.

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And the emotional toll that that
has when you've got a child,

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that's just so angry and so
upset.

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And you're the, you being
battered and bruised by your

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kids, but you can't be mad at
them.

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You know, the ongoing PTSD from.
That is like we all know it's

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intense.
So for 12 months, if I wasn't

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under my baby trying to help her
through a rage, I was driving my

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son around trying to soothe his
pain and then the in Trying to

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be a wife, trying to hold a
household together, trying to

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take them to all of their
appointments and try and see

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another doctor to try and find
out what was wrong with my son,

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like the mental load, the
physical load, the emotional

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load was ridiculously epic and
my husband and I, we've been

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together.
It'll be 22 years in December

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this year and going into hell
year, we've had the strong

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relationship our entire life
together.

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We've got a lot of people that
look to us for how a healthy

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relationship.
Relationship works.

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And so going into, how are you?
We already had a really solid

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foundation and even during that
we both ended up feeling so

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alone we were struggling
massively in as individuals and

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as a couple feeling like neither
one of us was meeting the other

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person's needs but also not
having anything in our tank to

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give the other person.
There was a lot of deeper level

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conversations or blow ups for us
that we had to kind of navigate

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on top of the load of Groundhog
Day that we were living.

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And I knew all the way through
that, there was a greater

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purpose and I just have to trust
that, you know, we were going

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through this hell for some
reason and here we are 18 months

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on from, how are you?
It took a good probably at least

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12 months for me to start to
feel somewhat human because

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recovery from burnout,
realistically like we all know

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we really do need three months
of absolutely nothing.

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No kids, no job.
No nothing to recover from that

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level of burnout, but that's
just not a reality.

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And we still have to be mum and
take care of our kids to get to

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the other side.
And in That I also, you know, we

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got the solutions, obviously,
for our children which made the

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difference and then we had to
rebuild ourselves as individuals

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and then we had to rebuild our
relationship because I've been a

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coach for so long and I was a
relationship coach for a long

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time.
Before I had to take three years

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off during this period, I knew
what we had to do and I had the

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tools and the support and what
not to do that.

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And I realized through that that
this is why so many couples,

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don't make it through the
hardest times and challenges

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with their kids because they
don't have the skills.

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They don't have the Our how they
don't have or haven't been doing

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that the level of personal
development that I've been doing

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for years to heal my own
baggage, so that I don't have

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those level of triggers and
reactions that many people do

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and knowing that during hell,
yeah, I was not my best version

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of me.
I was so depleted.

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I was not able to consciously
stop myself from being Snappy,

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from being unreasonable from
sitting there.

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Going, why isn't he connecting
with me?

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But then realizing well, I'm not
connecting with him.

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Hang on a second.
Yeah, you just don't have that

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capacity and if you Don't have
the skills in the background

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then it makes it really
difficult to stay on the same

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page through those periods.
So as I finally kind of got to

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the did a lot of healing work on
myself to recover from all the

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experiences and stuff that we
went through and purposely made

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a conscious effort to reconnect
with my husband to rebuild our

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relationship.
And here we are at the, I'll say

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it, that's really at the fringes
of thriving, because we've still

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got a ways to go and we still
have challenges with our

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children.
That mean sleep deprivation, a

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periods of time, but we as a
couple.

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In a much, much stronger and
better place again.

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So I'm passionate about helping
other couples to survive the

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hard times, but also to learn
how to thrive Beyond them

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because our kids and us as
special needs parents are the

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ones that need the stable and
happy home the most and the most

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help.
So I want to change that

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statistic as I can.
And I've got the experience and

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I understand how hard it is.
Yes.

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I can only, you know, talk about
my experience as a Special Needs

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Mom.
I remember right after I die.

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Diagnosis.
The overwhelming feeling that I

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was a failure, you know.
It'd be feeling that.

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No, oh my gosh, I did this.
I somehow.

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Yeah, me and the guilts number
one that comes about when there

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is that sort of a diagnosis that
happens.

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And then after just the feeling
that you have these

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expectations, are you had these
expectations of what your

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children would be like?
And then the dissonance of

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knowing what the reality may be
like, that also is a bit of self

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torture, that a lot of special
needs of current.

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I Go through.
I know that I went through a

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whole period of that as well and
then never feeling like you're

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doing it right.
Never feeling like you're doing

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enough, never always feeling
like me.

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You know, you're just not
cutting it as a parent or as a

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spouse or as a person, his needs
to make a living.

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Yeah, everything just starts to
really snowball on you and this

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overwhelming sense of anxiety
and anxiousness.

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And I know I was diagnosed with
PTSD myself and, you know, went

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on medication, which definitely
helps needed to literally quit

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my job.
A job and take time off and do

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that because that was helpful
for me.

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But yet it still did cause a lot
of me trying to figure out what

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life meant for me.
Going forward for sure is that

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similar to what your clients are
coming to you for?

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What kind of clients are coming
to you and what do they really

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most urgently needing when they
come some of the regular Coleman

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stuff that they come to me with
his the struggling because I'm

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not on the same page
particularly when it comes to

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how to manage kids milk.
Guns and their behaviors and

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discipline.
I know for me I've got to

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neurotypical older children.
So, I've been a parent.

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I've done this.
So I know how to do this and

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then when these two came along
I'm like, how do I do this?

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Because the parenting book had
to go out the window, it doesn't

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work the same for these two,
they have different needs.

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They don't respond the same way
my older two did.

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So when you've got two parents
who are often is one in denial

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around the diagnosis, they don't
know.

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No, it can't be that, we don't
want it.

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There's a resistance to
acceptance of the diagnosis so

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they Don't get involved.
They which means it's usually

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the mother that's dealing with
that's got the diagnosis.

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Then got the load of the all the
doctors learning or doing all

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the research trying to work out,
how best to help their child and

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there's a disconnect often not
always with the fathers.

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And I think there's a lot of
misunderstanding that happens in

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between.
I mean, I think like you were

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saying when the diagnosis comes
everybody handles it

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differently.
So you felt a lot of guilt and

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took a lot of the responsibility
and that's certainly been A lot

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of parents do.
It's not just the mothers.

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I've certainly my husband went
through the same thing, but

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here's a response or outward
reaction was quite different.

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So it's understanding that each
person is going to have to go

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through denial grief, anger.
Frustration, just around the

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diagnosis in itself, let alone
when it comes to.

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How do we manage the kids?
Is they do these behaviors that

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are my son's got an intellectual
disability.

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We can't discipline him in the
same way, we could discipline

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our other kids, it doesn't work
the same.

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So you've a lot of parents who
are utilizing the way they grew

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up, the role models, they had in
their lives when I asked them,

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90 probably 95%.
I'm like, what role models did

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you grow up with?
And did those show you how to be

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a loving caring, compassionate
parent and also, you know, what

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would they like in their
relationship more often than

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not?
People come from broken, homes,

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divorces or parents that stay
together, but we're extremely

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unhappy now, already super
critical, or completely absent

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and all the baggage that gets
created for every person in

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that.
Is another conversation.

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But most people try to parent
based on the way that they grew

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up either.
They're exactly the same or they

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do the exact opposite because of
how their parents did it.

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And each person's experience of
that is going to be different,

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which means each person is
coming to their kids, with no

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not just on a different page
there in different books.

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And they've got a reason like an
underlying reason as to why they

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think they need to discipline in
this way or why they think they

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need to be more lenient or
whatever.

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Most couples are butting heads
on the external surface level

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stuff.
Tough and not getting deeper

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into, why do you think that why
is that most important to you?

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Because I tell you the drivers
for that need or desire has got

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a much deeper root in what they
grew up with or experienced as

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being a child of the parents
that they have.

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So it's never as simple as well.
He just needs to agree with me,

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or she just needs to be
stronger.

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I meant, no, it's way more
complicated and it's about how

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learning how to get on the same
page and that's such a big

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thing.
How do?

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You act as the team and that's
often what I see as one of the

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deeper level issues in the
relationship as a whole.

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But the symptom is We can't
agree on whatever the XYZ is,

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that is fascinating.
I know that with my son's father

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and myself, even despite the
fact that we drifted apart, we

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were we are no longer together
but our parenting was very

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similar, we were always aligned
when it came to treatment or any

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kind of discipline or anything
like that.

232
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When it with respect to children
and child raising Seeing and

233
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making decisions when it came to
the sun in particular.

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However, however, there's a
however, I know it's like you

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become estranged and you know,
it's just like in other ways

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it's just a relationship is so
strange and you become like

237
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:47,400
roommates or it becomes very
domestic and that whole

238
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interpersonal relationship
becomes much more about

239
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,800
transactions and Logistics and
you know the groceries and

240
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that's another big one.
It's another big ones and the

241
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reality is the load of our So
kids is huge.

242
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It is too much for one person
and it's often too much for two.

243
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:09,200
So when you'll spread so thin
and your load is quite big with

244
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your children, and their needs,
there is a lot less that's

245
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available for self-care, which
we know is important.

246
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But then the spouse which is
often below all of that.

247
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Let alone work has got to come
in there somewhere because

248
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finances we everybody knows
that, you know, having special

249
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needs kids is, there's an extra
load of financial stuff, so it's

250
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the spouse really ends up quite
low on the totem pole.

251
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Bowl.
And if it's not right at the

252
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bottom, it's our self-care.
That's at the bottom.

253
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When you got nothing to give,
you've got nothing to give.

254
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So it's a big for me knowing how
hard it was to survive.

255
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How are you?
It's the little things it's

256
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because you find your stop doing
the little things, and there's

257
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:48,300
almost the most important
because you're not getting to

258
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,700
the big things.
Like 66 doesn't happen for years

259
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:53,400
at a time, when you've got such
a high load and so low energy,

260
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:57,100
and that's the realities and
there's a reef in accepting.

261
00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:59,500
That's the case.
Women often are the ones that

262
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are Don't have the desire men.
Wake up horny, so that I wish I

263
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:08,700
wish.
I really wish you didn't get

264
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,100
some sexy time and get on with
the tank, but that's just not

265
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how it works.
So you've got that, you know,

266
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the big things are not
happening.

267
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You've got to make use of the
small things.

268
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So, it's sometimes, it's
reprioritizing.

269
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Yes, our kids have their needs,
but we have to change the way we

270
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:26,700
think about it.
In terms of is that absolutely

271
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crucial right now?
Because sometimes the need of

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00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:34,000
the relationship and the need of
self is Ali more critical and I

273
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find a lot of parents in general
women.

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00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:41,000
Specifically are really good at
and default to taking care of

275
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everybody else.
Particularly the children before

276
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:46,800
themselves and their
relationship and then the

277
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,100
relationship fails or falls
apart and creates more stress.

278
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:54,300
When what you really need is the
support and that teammate and

279
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:58,100
that person to lean on.
So, it is so critical to put a

280
00:13:58,108 --> 00:14:00,700
little bit of time and energy
into it.

281
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:04,000
It doesn't take much to your
Standing in the kitchen, walk up

282
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:08,100
behind him, give him a hug, like
it takes two seconds, it's not

283
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:10,400
hard.
Although I know in the depths of

284
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,700
survival you're so focused on
the next action I have to take

285
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:16,000
because you really don't even
have the energy for that.

286
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,300
So to think and have any
awareness of anything or anyone

287
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:22,700
else outside of that, it just
doesn't exist and I get it, I

288
00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:25,100
get it.
But it's understanding that when

289
00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:29,000
survival mode starts to lift,
its these little things that

290
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,000
bring you back together, that
put the fuel back in the tank of

291
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:36,000
the hope that will keep you both
going for longer until you get

292
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,600
to a more clearer Karma Waters.
And you can really, then do the

293
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,100
bigger stuff and that's the
reality for us in our

294
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:44,500
relationships with our special
needs kids.

295
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:47,800
We can't do things the way we
used to, we have to get along

296
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:51,200
with a little, a lot less often.
And then when we can, it's

297
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,900
switching in our head, that this
is a priority to come back to,

298
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:57,900
to rebuild that connection to
even just a simple thing.

299
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,000
Hey babe, how are you actually
doing right now?

300
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,200
How do you really feel?
Let each other then You're in

301
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,500
this together and often what
happens is they become islands

302
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,300
and it's not even that
conversation, there's not even

303
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:11,000
that chicken, there's not those
cuddles, it's not those, the

304
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,600
little things and the little
things are.

305
00:15:12,608 --> 00:15:16,000
So, so important, when you can't
do the big things that's really

306
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,600
a such a good reminder, because
I know that when I was in the

307
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,700
throes of PTSD and you're just
overwhelmed and all you can

308
00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:25,700
think is this self absorption of
this feeling like you are

309
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:29,300
attracting your life, you're in
a prison of your own making and

310
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:31,800
you there's no way to get out
because you have to care for

311
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,300
your kids.
You have to Survive.

312
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,600
You have to put bread on the
table, all of these things.

313
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,500
And so, you'll almost feel as
though you're holding your

314
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:42,500
breath and you forget that no
this isn't really it, I have to

315
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:45,600
think about every single moment,
and if anybody tried to give me

316
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,700
advice or say, oh, take time for
you, you need to take a bubble

317
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,300
bath.
I would I would just punch

318
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:55,100
identify it would cause me to
just well up with anger and

319
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:57,600
rage, you know.
So and then one of the other

320
00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,800
things that I used to do, I
would go on Facebook.

321
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:03,100
There was a special needs
parenting forum and it That

322
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,900
wonderful place for people to
events, not a great place to get

323
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:08,000
advice that, we're things like
that.

324
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:12,200
As a lot of individuals have
their own situations and will

325
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,100
give advice from their own
Vantage points.

326
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:17,500
And so it became something where
you'd have to just, you know,

327
00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:19,800
take things with a bit of a
grain of salt, but it was good

328
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:21,800
if you needed to suspend for a
moment.

329
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,500
So I think that's a lot of that
happening because it just ended

330
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,300
its the double-edged sword.
It's great because it's a place

331
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:29,300
where you can vent and you get a
lot of people going.

332
00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:30,800
Oh my God.
Yeah, I hear ya.

333
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,600
That's the same for me.
Me too.

334
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,900
She's good on one level but at
the same time it often keeps a

335
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:40,200
stuck in the almost of
victimhood of that moment.

336
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,000
It's not easy.
I honestly, it's even as with

337
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,200
all the skills and tools and
everything that I have at my

338
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,100
disposal in the depths and that
the hardest parts of hell.

339
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:50,800
Yeah.
I couldn't even pick those up.

340
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:52,400
Yeah.
I wasn't even reaching out to

341
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,800
people.
I was just so like you said,

342
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,600
self-absorbed and
understandably.

343
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,700
So because in survival mode,
it's the only way you can

344
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:02,500
survive to just do the next
thing.

345
00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:05,700
I Lucky enough to have a couple
of people in my network, who

346
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:09,500
truly understood and would reach
out to me and get me on a call

347
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:11,099
and say, how are you really
doing?

348
00:17:11,099 --> 00:17:15,300
And then I'd be able to just let
it all out and just have them

349
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,700
there to go.
I hear you.

350
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:19,500
I'm listening that it is really
hard, so you a little bit of

351
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:21,700
that validation.
But then at the end of it going,

352
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,599
okay, how about we take me in
the phone?

353
00:17:23,599 --> 00:17:25,900
Let's go for a walk.
Ask care if you can just take 20

354
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,800
minutes to just stop.
Now even the thought of asking

355
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,900
my husband who I knew was
struggling as much as I was to

356
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:34,700
get 20.
That's where I could just go lay

357
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,200
in the swing outside and have
someone talk me through just

358
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,300
meditating.
Mmm.

359
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:41,400
And there was a period of time
with that was a Lifeline.

360
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,800
Yeah.
That just helped my system to

361
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,700
slow down long enough to get a
little bit of juice in it, where

362
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:49,000
I didn't go in and I give him a
hug and say thank you so much

363
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,800
for giving me that 20 minutes
with the best, any kind of.

364
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,100
Now, what can I do for you
beautiful?

365
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:55,800
Yeah, there were times where I
knew that.

366
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,400
I'd have to go back to work and
so I would get these jobs and I

367
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:04,000
would literally be so exhausted
from having No sleep and just

368
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,600
emotionally Rod.
I would just be crying myself,

369
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,100
all the way to the office, but
yourself into like that strong.

370
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:11,800
You know, I work in beauty that
Moscow.

371
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,200
And if you put that mask on, you
try to be brave, you try to be

372
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,900
strong and then you fall apart
at the end of the day and that

373
00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:19,200
would happen.
They have to go.

374
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,000
Yeah.
Yeah.

375
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,300
And sometimes it became almost
like you didn't want to show

376
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:26,600
that you needed help.
You didn't want you were almost

377
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,800
embarrassed to ask other or tell
other people what we're going on

378
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,500
because wanted to give the
impression that you could handle

379
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:34,200
it.
All because otherwise it might

380
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,000
not think that you could do your
job, then you could be depended

381
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,700
upon XYZ, it's that alone.
If a parent is like, oh, I have

382
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:43,400
to go to a PTA meeting or, you
know, something or I play with

383
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,700
the kids, you know, people look
at you and they used to look at

384
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:48,100
you at work like, oh really,
you're going to take time off

385
00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:51,100
because you're a parent at one
particular job that I had there

386
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:53,300
was this joke from the single
people that said you know what,

387
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,300
I'm just gonna get a fake baby
and say oh you know what?

388
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,000
I have to go home because my
fake baby needs me because they

389
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,400
felt like other people who had
this was unfair.

390
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:04,600
Dren, it's unfair that they get
to leave the It's just, I know

391
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,700
times have changed but it was
just, yeah, one of those things

392
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,900
where it was a competition of
who could show face in the

393
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:11,300
office longer.
Yeah.

394
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:13,400
Exactly.
And the hot pot is particularly

395
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,000
with you.
I think special needs.

396
00:19:15,100 --> 00:19:17,900
Is that people will say oh yeah
that's hard but I truly don't

397
00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:21,100
understand.
They do not understand the load.

398
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:23,400
I want to say drain but the
energy.

399
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:27,600
It takes mentally just to stay
on top of what is my kid need?

400
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,500
What does like with mine?
They both got dietary challenges

401
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:33,300
and a, whole bunch of stuff I've
just come out of Another six

402
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:36,000
weeks off work because my son
ended up in hospital with

403
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,300
pneumonia, never simple for him.
And then I've got so run down

404
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:42,000
because we were dealing with him
being sick and then in hospital

405
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,000
for a week.
But I got the same virus, he

406
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,800
got, which then knocked me flat
and then just as I was coming

407
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,100
up, it turned into a chest
infection and then just sighs

408
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:50,600
coming up.
Another one came again, I like

409
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,800
damn it just like it's like the
hits keep on coming and you know

410
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,100
the average parent.
Yeah.

411
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:58,100
That definitely have times like
that but there's a whole other

412
00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:01,800
level that our regular parent
doesn't experience and can't

413
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,200
understand.
And lucky was saying it's almost

414
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,600
like we don't want to ask for
help because we don't want to be

415
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,800
seen as weak but then at the
other side of that is, it's too

416
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,000
much effort ask for help.
It's actually too much effort

417
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,600
when you're in the depths of it,
to have talked to someone and

418
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,500
try and explain things will ask
for help.

419
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,900
It just feels like it's another
load on you, and it's like, it's

420
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:20,300
yeah.
And most of the times, they

421
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,300
don't know what to say, or do
you know exactly.

422
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:26,000
I don't it's almost Trap please.
It is.

423
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,900
And one of the things that
really helped me was actually

424
00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:30,000
posting about it.
Eventually, I really did not

425
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,600
spend much time on Facebook
during how are you.

426
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:34,500
But every so often on Just, you
know, share the struggles that

427
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,600
we were having and say, you
know, this is kind of what it's

428
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,600
like for us right now, and try
to put a always, trying to put a

429
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,700
bit of a positive spin on it
because that's, you know, what

430
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,800
you do.
And what they did was actually

431
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,000
helped create a bit more of a
community around me.

432
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,700
People who started to go, oh, I
hadn't realized that I hadn't

433
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:51,200
thought about that.
So I'm educating them through

434
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,400
sharing without getting them on
the phone and going.

435
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,500
Oh my God is the hardest.
Do I have friends that I can do

436
00:20:56,500 --> 00:21:00,700
that with but I found sharing it
on social media and sharing both

437
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:02,600
the struggles and what the
reality is.

438
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:06,600
Look like for us, physically,
mentally, and emotionally is

439
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,300
helping to create more of that
understanding, particularly, as

440
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:12,700
I've got more capacity now to
even do that, or couldn't do it

441
00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:15,900
in the middle of hell, you and
in having a community around me,

442
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,800
but also Community both the
understand.

443
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,500
But also look for the solutions,
I'll get people sending me

444
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:24,600
Solutions and ideas of things
that might be able to help or

445
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,300
just suggestions.
Or hey, how about we just grab a

446
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:28,600
coffee?
I'd love to get you out of the

447
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,200
house for a bit.
That's been really really

448
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,500
helpful in middle of hell.
You though, there's when you've

449
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:36,400
got absolutely capacities
socializing, it's too hard.

450
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,800
It's too much energy, too much
people in too much to do with at

451
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,200
home and it's okay.
It's okay to have periods like

452
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,000
that but when it stops the hard
part is you get in a survival

453
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,800
pattern and it's the pattern
that has to change, otherwise

454
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:50,000
the relationship and your life
gets stuck in the survival

455
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,900
pattern even if it doesn't have
to be in survival mode.

456
00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:55,300
Yeah.
One big lesson that I had to

457
00:21:55,300 --> 00:22:00,500
learn was boundaries even when
it came to my own family because

458
00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:04,200
I happen to have a son who is
Very chronically ill.

459
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,600
He is non-mobile nonverbal lives
on a life-support.

460
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:11,500
He's on a ventilator, 24/7, and
he's in and out of the hospital

461
00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:14,300
all the time.
And I think that my family

462
00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:17,900
certain family members had a
very hard time understanding,

463
00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:21,200
and it would tell me in so many
words why I'm keeping him going

464
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,800
and that was an extremely
difficult here.

465
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:28,500
Because, you know, I, it's like,
how can you ever tell somebody

466
00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:31,200
what they should be doing with
their child especially when it

467
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,700
comes to that subject?
And so I understood where their

468
00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:38,600
compassion lied and you know,
where their heart truly was.

469
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,900
But the indication that I was
being inhumane, in what I did,

470
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:45,900
what my choices where I was a
really tough thing for me.

471
00:22:45,900 --> 00:22:51,600
And so I had to choose to limit
my and my son's exposure for

472
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,900
certain.
Yeah, to certain family members

473
00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:57,400
because it was a very painful
period of time when we had

474
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:58,900
through those kinds of
discussions.

475
00:22:58,900 --> 00:23:02,000
I can only imagine, you know?
Yeah, that stuff.

476
00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:03,500
Yeah, down.
These are huge.

477
00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:06,000
They were definitely people that
I kind of just stepped away

478
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,500
from.
I didn't even say anything.

479
00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:09,900
It was just like, oh yeah, like
you said I get their hearts in

480
00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:12,200
the right place, but that's
actually not helpful for me

481
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,500
right now.
And choosing to only focus on

482
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,700
what is helpful and what is
supportive.

483
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:22,000
It's okay to cut ties to create
boundaries to say, no, we're not

484
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,500
doing that to communicate.
These are the topics of

485
00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:27,300
conversation that we are off
limits because I don't have the

486
00:23:27,308 --> 00:23:29,400
capacity.
In fact, even boundaries around

487
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,300
our self care.
And we sort of touched on this

488
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:32,900
before.
When people say, aye, You should

489
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:34,500
do more self-care.
Have you lived?

490
00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:36,800
My life?
You have my load.

491
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,300
Like, can you tell me where I
can fit in some self-care?

492
00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:42,200
I actually had to redefine what
self-care looked like, I don't

493
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,500
really admit this very often but
in the middle of hell, you I

494
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,000
would go months without having a
shower.

495
00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:48,000
Yeah, that's how bad it got.
Because I would get up and get

496
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,000
dressed in the middle of the
night to go drive my son, and

497
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,000
then I'd be on two coffees.
So there's no way I was going to

498
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,300
get back into bed and go back to
sleep.

499
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,900
But then I'd get home at dawn
after the sun rose.

500
00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:58,400
I actually made a point to go
and watch the sunrise at the

501
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,000
beach.
My boy, would fall asleep in the

502
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,200
car and I'd be caffeinated.
So I'm like, you know what I

503
00:24:02,208 --> 00:24:04,800
need this.
And it just roll on day after

504
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,500
day after day and it'd be
pointless.

505
00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:07,800
Like, I always have a shower
tomorrow.

506
00:24:07,900 --> 00:24:09,800
Okay, maybe tomorrow, maybe
tomorrow.

507
00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:12,100
Yeah.
And that became the level of

508
00:24:12,100 --> 00:24:13,900
self-care was really, really
low.

509
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,300
So, as I started to get back
into life.

510
00:24:16,300 --> 00:24:18,700
Again, one of the things I
started to do was like, okay,

511
00:24:18,700 --> 00:24:21,800
self-care is having a shower.
Even once a week is a good

512
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:26,000
improvement, over a few months,
self-care is washing my face and

513
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,300
putting moisturizer on self-care
is you know what?

514
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,900
I've got 30 seconds while I'm
sitting in the car before I have

515
00:24:31,900 --> 00:24:34,200
to go and get My child out of
school, I'm going to sit here

516
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:37,300
and I'm just going to breathe.
Yeah, like I say, it's the

517
00:24:37,300 --> 00:24:41,500
little things, the littlest
things, where you can give to

518
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:44,500
yourself, where you can take
care of yourself, where you can

519
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:47,100
sit down, and have a coffee and
disclosure of eyes and feel the

520
00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:50,700
sun on your face.
That is self-care, you're

521
00:24:50,700 --> 00:24:53,600
absolutely right.
And speaking of self-care and

522
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,100
some other Solutions, I know
that you say that you've got

523
00:24:56,100 --> 00:24:59,700
this Mary Poppins bag of tricks.
You've got so many wonderful

524
00:24:59,700 --> 00:25:02,500
diverse certifications from
life.

525
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:07,400
Chain to NLP to Reiki and so,
all sorts of things.

526
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:11,100
Can you talk to us about how you
are able to tap into these

527
00:25:11,100 --> 00:25:14,200
various modalities of your
expertise, in order to help your

528
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:17,100
clients your when I'm doing
one-on-one wiggle, one onto.

529
00:25:17,100 --> 00:25:19,900
So, I work with a couple but I
often do a lot of individual

530
00:25:19,900 --> 00:25:22,900
work with the couple because
it's actually here skills and

531
00:25:22,900 --> 00:25:25,400
how to communicate, but let's
get to the deeper level as to

532
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:29,300
why you constantly get triggered
by feeling abandoned or you're

533
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,800
angry or whatever.
The emotion is the coming out.

534
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,100
So I do admit mixture of stuff.
I use my intuition a lot of the

535
00:25:35,100 --> 00:25:37,700
time and my obviously I've been
doing this for quite a while so

536
00:25:37,700 --> 00:25:40,400
I can hear what someone saying
but I can actually read between

537
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:43,200
the lines and feel a lot deeper
into what's really going on.

538
00:25:43,300 --> 00:25:47,300
I utilize a lot of the mixture
of NLP with hypnosis with a bit

539
00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:50,300
of Shadow work, a bit of Journey
work a bit of intuition a bit of

540
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:53,400
guided stuff where I actually
take them right into that deeper

541
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:57,300
level and have them get
awareness around what's really

542
00:25:57,300 --> 00:25:58,900
going on.
But often there's a lot of

543
00:25:58,900 --> 00:26:00,500
forgiveness work that has to
happen.

544
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:03,000
Forgiveness of parents
forgiveness of Figures

545
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,900
forgiveness of self forgiveness
of God in the universe.

546
00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:09,000
Believe me, where there is anger
and frustration and all kinds of

547
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,100
grief.
They are so it's doing often a

548
00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:14,400
lot of the inner healing.
Guiding them through into that

549
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:18,800
space where their pain is still
present and allowing and

550
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:23,200
facilitating that pain to come
through in a way that healing

551
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,700
and not destructive to
themselves and other people.

552
00:26:26,100 --> 00:26:29,300
And sometimes in that process,
there's energy stuff that I do.

553
00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:32,500
There's a support, sometimes
it's a process.

554
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,500
It's like a there's a process
and NLP process called a phobia

555
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:37,000
scramble.
But the beautiful thing about

556
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:41,700
that is really good for helping
to take some of the emotion out

557
00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:45,700
of the event that they're stuck
on so they can get rational

558
00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:49,900
understanding and perspective on
what happened and then they can

559
00:26:49,900 --> 00:26:52,100
heal and create you know the
healing from that.

560
00:26:52,100 --> 00:26:55,900
So it depending on what's needed
by pull up whatever tool I've

561
00:26:55,900 --> 00:26:59,700
got, I use sometimes multiple
things at the same time even

562
00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:02,900
though they don't know that I'm
doing it because healing What's

563
00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:05,400
happening in?
The subconscious is not a

564
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,300
black-and-white scenario, people
are not black and white

565
00:27:08,300 --> 00:27:09,900
relationships are not black and
white.

566
00:27:09,900 --> 00:27:12,900
It is so diverse it more than 50
Shades of Grey.

567
00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:16,000
There's like thousands of them.
So, it's, I pull all of that

568
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,100
together and at the moment I'm
because I'm a special needs

569
00:27:19,100 --> 00:27:21,300
parent myself.
I have limited amount of time

570
00:27:21,300 --> 00:27:24,000
and the best way that I find, I
can help people right now is to

571
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,400
put them through with a group
program.

572
00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:28,500
In my group program, I focus on
three things, communication

573
00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:31,800
skills, because most people
didn't grow up learning them

574
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:33,500
they using default.
Vaults that they learn from

575
00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:36,000
people around them who were
probably not so great at it.

576
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:37,800
The second one is relating
skills.

577
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,900
You don't think about that.
But how do you act as a team?

578
00:27:40,900 --> 00:27:43,100
How do you understand your
partner?

579
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:46,100
How do you give and receive in
the relationship?

580
00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:48,400
A lot of women are not so great
at receiving.

581
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:51,500
How do you balance?
How do you operate in the

582
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:55,000
relationship with the financial
load on their kids and how do

583
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,800
you all of get that
understanding?

584
00:27:58,100 --> 00:28:02,000
And then the last part is all
about developing emotional

585
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,000
maturity.
Because I guarantee you, when

586
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,600
you start to get into those
fights and arguments the

587
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,100
immature conflict behaviors come
out.

588
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:14,800
And I know them all because I've
done them and there are still

589
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:17,400
times I slam doors.
So, you know, I'm not perfect

590
00:28:17,900 --> 00:28:20,800
and when you are so depleted and
so tired and what not, you are

591
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,300
not your best version of
yourself.

592
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:26,800
So I help you to get awareness
around what your own stuff is

593
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,600
that is impacting the
relationship and your ability to

594
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:34,200
connect and be in harmony.
Any with each other and we do

595
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,200
that level of work.
I give you tools.

596
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,800
I give you processes and
questions to get that

597
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,400
self-awareness but also to of
mapped out what I call the peace

598
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,000
process.
So when you start to see that

599
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,900
your discussion is starting to
blow up and go into all kinds of

600
00:28:48,900 --> 00:28:51,600
destructive zones, I teach
couples to go, right?

601
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:55,000
What someone needs to call a
timeout, or a stop or a pause.

602
00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:58,000
And then each individual goes
and runs the peace process and

603
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,200
part of the peace process is
getting an understanding as to

604
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,500
what's really happening here?
What is my stuff that's been?

605
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,600
Take it in this and I've give
them templates to be able to

606
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,000
communicate that with their
partner, when they come back to

607
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,200
it in a way that is low trigger,
which means it's not going to

608
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:14,500
trigger High defense and
reactiveness from your partner.

609
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:16,700
So it's What's called the peace
process.

610
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:20,000
So, I give tools that help
people while they're still

611
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:24,200
working on their staff to move
through these upsets and

612
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:28,000
conflicts, but in a way that
becomes bonding rather than

613
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:32,400
damaging, I think that those are
such powerful tools that any

614
00:29:32,500 --> 00:29:36,200
Buddy can use, but particularly
because you are focusing on

615
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,500
parents of special needs
children.

616
00:29:38,500 --> 00:29:42,300
It's phenomenally targeted, it's
specific and it could be

617
00:29:42,300 --> 00:29:44,900
tailored just for the people who
need it.

618
00:29:44,900 --> 00:29:46,800
Now, you are located in
Brisbane.

619
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:49,000
Australia.
Do you accept International

620
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:51,000
clients?
I work with people all over the

621
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:52,500
world.
That's why I love having an

622
00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:55,000
online business because I do
everything from home, but yes,

623
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,200
absolutely.
And I really do love working

624
00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,200
more with my us clients because
of our time zone difference,

625
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,100
that works for me, it means that
I can do work in Evenings.

626
00:30:03,100 --> 00:30:05,800
When the old ones, the kids go
down but I can be working in my

627
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:07,000
day while the kids are at
school.

628
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:10,200
So absolutely, like I said, who
could everybody all over the

629
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,900
world and online?
So the training aspect is done

630
00:30:13,900 --> 00:30:16,700
at your own self Pace, in the
master classes do that and then

631
00:30:16,700 --> 00:30:19,800
join in on the Q&A calls where
you can say, hey, this is the

632
00:30:19,808 --> 00:30:23,000
scenario with our relationship
and get some direct support and

633
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:26,100
access to, to change them.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is

634
00:30:26,100 --> 00:30:29,200
reach Wilson.
Divine relating is the name of

635
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,000
the website.
Look, her up.

636
00:30:31,100 --> 00:30:35,000
This could be a Lifeline to You
really being able to manage and

637
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,900
cope, not only with a better
relationship with your children,

638
00:30:37,900 --> 00:30:41,700
but especially with your spouse,
or with your significant other,

639
00:30:41,700 --> 00:30:44,600
whoever that might be in your
life or even if you're single,

640
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:47,300
if you're looking for somebody
to relate to, I think that this

641
00:30:47,300 --> 00:30:50,200
is something that you deserve to
do for you.

642
00:30:50,300 --> 00:30:53,800
It's not like you are going out
of your way and thinking about,

643
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:57,200
you know, only about yourself.
This is really for you to be

644
00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:00,500
able to shine in your entire
family.

645
00:31:00,500 --> 00:31:03,600
It's for your children as well.
It's for Anybody that is around

646
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,500
you and it's for your benefit
and so I do highly encouraged.

647
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:10,000
If you think that this episode
spoke to you take a look at what

648
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:13,800
Rachel Wilson is doing because
it could be a lifesaver for you

649
00:31:13,900 --> 00:31:15,500
Rach.
I just want to thank you so much

650
00:31:15,500 --> 00:31:17,700
for your time today.
It was an absolute pleasure and

651
00:31:17,700 --> 00:31:19,900
joy to meet you and to speak
with you today.

652
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:22,200
Thank you so much for having me.
I really enjoyed it and it's

653
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,700
great to get an opportunity to
share this information to

654
00:31:24,700 --> 00:31:26,800
connect with people who are
might be able to make the

655
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:28,900
biggest difference for because
for me, it's, you know,

656
00:31:28,900 --> 00:31:32,300
thriving, love means thriving,
us means thriving family.

657
00:31:32,500 --> 00:31:34,400
Amen to that.
Thank you very much.

658
00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:34,800
Thank you.