Get Unaddicted to Relationships with Etel Leit

Jennifer Norman:
Hello beautiful humans. Welcome to the Human Beauty Movement Podcast, your source for hope, healing, happiness and humanity. My name is Jennifer Norman. I'm the founder of the Human Beauty Movement and your host. This podcast is here to guide you on your journey of self love, empowerment, soul alignment and joy. With each episode, I invite beautiful humans from all corners of the globe to join me for open conversations about their life lessons and the important work that they are doing to help heal humankind. Take a moment now to subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss an episode. I'm so glad you're here joining me for today's show.

Jennifer Norman:
Many of us have been conditioned to care more about what people think of us rather than how we really feel. But by living for other people's satisfaction, we can lose sight of our own wants and needs, leading to ongoing self betrayal. I've invited a special guest to the show today to talk about how we can transform these subservient impulses to have better balance, healthier relationships and Greater Self satisfaction. Dr. Etel Leit is a renowned human communication researcher, a prominent figure in psychology and education, and the founder of SignShine, a family center in Beverly Hills. With a Ph.D. in psychology and Master's degrees in Leadership and Education from Pepperdine University, she has conducted extensive work in understanding the dynamics of effective communication.

Jennifer Norman:
Dr. Leit is a faculty member in Psychology and MBA programs at Palo Alto's Sophia University and Cambridge College in Boston. Additionally, she has authored four books, including best seller Unaddicted To You and The Emotional Code. In this episode, we're going to dive into the intricacies of communication and its profound impact on our mental, emotional and physical well being. Dr. Leit will share her expertise on how to stop the cycle of worrying about other people's behaviors, how to overcome the internal chaos that can hold us back, and how to create a flow of positive interactions. We will explore strategies for developing and maintaining healthy relationships, managing those obsessive thoughts, and breaking free from unhealthy patterns of self betrayal and conditional love. By tuning in, you will gain practical tools for improving your communication skills and building stronger relationships. Insights into breaking free from the cycle of unhealthy obsessions and addictions techniques for investing in your well being, happiness and daily life satisfaction and inspiration to respect yourself while loving others compassionately. So whether you find yourself constantly worrying about others, struggling with sleepless nights over relationship anxieties, or seeking to live a more authentic and fulfilled life, this episode is for you.

Jennifer Norman:
So get ready to discover greater self awareness and emotional resilience. Starting now welcome to the show, Dr. Leit.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Hello. Thank you so much for an amazing introduction. It was very sweet and wide. I really appreciate it. And I was waiting to be on your show. Thank you for having me, Jenn.

Jennifer Norman:
I am really honored to have you. I have learned that you are a woman who has seemingly had it all together. You were a commander in Israeli intelligence. You were a linguist who's fluent in five languages. My goodness. And on top of it all, you're a mom of two kids. But I heard that you had this harrowing moment when you turned 39. Can you share with our listeners what happened?

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yes. So it's interesting when people see me and they're like, wow, you have it all. But once I didn't have it all because I didn't want what I want. So I chose to live my life in the eyes of somebody else. I chose to worry about someone else. I chose to try to fix constantly someone else so I can be soothed. I chose to have my own home with my two kids, completely, completely surrounded with, I wouldn't say self love, but the concentration was not on me. When I was 39, I was found on the bathroom floor with a heartbeat of 21.

Dr. Etel Leit:
I actually fell from the outside. I had a stomach ache which I couldn't stop vomiting. I was vomiting for days and they said, oh, maybe you dehydrated. They gave me fluid in the ER, came back home and that didn't stop. Back then I didn't know because the emotional pain, Jenn, was so big and severe that my body was calling help. I didn't notice. I didn't listen to myself. I listened to everyone around me, all the needs of everyone around me but myself.

Dr. Etel Leit:
So I'm going back to this moment. I actually fell on the bathroom floor. The dad of my kids back then my husband found me on the floor with a heartbeat going 21 and going down. He called the paramedics and they rushed. Within four minutes they were there and asked him not to leave me alone. They re revived me in the home on the bed of my daughter and I was three weeks in the hospital after they couldn't even put my heart over 35. That was the max.

Jennifer Norman:
Wow.

Dr. Etel Leit:
And again back then I didn't know, but I didn't want to leave. Or maybe I should say my soul didn't want to leave. My soul wanted to put an end to a life that wasn't mine. Really didn't know myself or who I am. But from the outside it looks so amazing. Of so many people that I see today from the outside, it's beautiful. Especially if you have an amazing blossoming social account account or friends.

Dr. Etel Leit:
But the inside. The inside wasn't true. I did not believe. Exactly. And your body. And as you know from your work, your body just follows. You can't be not authentic with yourself first. That was the end of something in the beginning of something really beautiful. And thank to it I'm sitting here today and I can give so much because I can first give myself.

Jennifer Norman:
So for people who are listening, I think they're like, well, wait a minute. Were there any signs in advance of that? Was it. Were you taking any medicine or anything that might have caused this kind of a debilitation? So suddenly, I think a lot of people would ask, gosh, what was it? And, oh, right. I certainly want to prevent that. Like, were you seemingly healthy up until that point? Were there any preconceived illnesses or anything to that effect? It's just like, wow, healthy person. This is really. That you were just okay, wow.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah, healthy person. Working out, taking care of my two kids. From the outside, everything is great. But prior to that, I flew to Israel. I'm a holy chick. I was born in Jerusalem, hence the holy chick, to participate in my brother's wedding. All right? And in the wedding, I probably ate something that I'm not used to, and doctor said that might be humus that wasn't that fresh. And I really, from the outside, I had a gastronomic, like, I had something in my belly.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Okay. In my stomach. I had some sort of bacteria, like a stomach flu. But when you're a mom and you have a stomach flu, you're like, okay, it's going to pass, right?

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah. We have no choice.

Dr. Etel Leit:
You have no choice, right? Especially when I knew that I'm coming back to my kids. Apparently the bacteria overpowered all of my immune system to the point that it overpowered my heart rate slowly, slowly. Took about 10 to 14 days to happen. Don't worry, it's not going to happen to you if you have any stomach flu. But that's where I was. So it wasn't only the physical condition. I think that my body was just like saying, I'm giving up. I'm not fighting.

Dr. Etel Leit:
This stomach flu is going to be something that really took over my immune system. They literally had to put me on fluids for a week. It was only special fluids. So my system is going to clean itself. So nothing is going to be left. And I'm going to start to rebuild my immune system from the beginning.

Jennifer Norman:
Wow. And that is so important to note because when you are undergoing some sort of a chronic stress and it sounds like you had that leading up until this moment. This was a precipice that your body couldn't handle. Most likely because of the impact of all of these other things as you were saying going on at the same time, whether it's compromised immunity, mental health, feeling like I just want to give up all of those things are a recipe for not great results after that.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah, in my language I call it the rock bottom. That was my rock bottom. Usually people have this thing that they can adapt to. So usually that's what happens. You have a trigger or trauma when you're young, whether with your child or you start to live with this trauma and actually to adapt to it as it would be normal. Most people do that, you know, so they do detours around it. They will choose certain people or live with the emotional pain. Same thing with the physicality.

Dr. Etel Leit:
They would live around it instead of treating it. And today, thank God, we are really more aware of mental health, but many people still are not aware of it. So they would rather live like handicap than treating it for real treating it. Or they would rather live in the victimhood to blame others it's because of them and not look at the mirror and say wow, something is really painful within me. Right. So it's either blaming or living with it, or shaming or living in the victimhood rather than looking within and say I need to look inside and see what's going on so they can live like that for years like I did until something happens. And then I call it the rock bottom. And the happening usually equals followers listener if you want to write is a loss usually is a loss.

Dr. Etel Leit:
So it's a financial loss, it's a loss in health, it's a loss of a person, it's a loss of career, of a job, some sort of a loss. And if the loss is really big enough, it will shaking the person. It's a rock bottom that will create this awakening of saying, wow, I am experiencing this grief over this loss. What do I do with it? Do I continue? And then you have the option to continue with the adapting more pain and more pain until another rock bottom is going to occur in your life. And then what? And then the option of like I want to get up from it, I want to get deformed, or I want to work on my relationships, or I want to find a new job because this is not working for me, or I want to go finally to the doctor and see what's going on with me. So the loss is usually something that will wake you up. And from here, it's a choice. It's always a choice.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Do I keep doing it? And thank God we live in a Western world that we can choose.

Jennifer Norman:
Wow.

Dr. Etel Leit:
I love traveling. Traveling is my thing. And I love traveling in third world countries when many of them do not have a choice. So listeners, if you listen to it, you have a choice. Even though that sometimes you think you don't, you always have a choice. You don't live in a third world country with a ruler that rules that you cannot choose for yourself. So be very grateful for it. And that's a little call.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Wake up before the last one appears. Wake up.

Jennifer Norman:
Exactly. So it sounds like you were living this life where it was almost like you were wearing a mask, this facade, and were starting to really lose sight of your own wants, your own needs, your own self, your own identity of everything that really made you because you were living for other people to the point where it got to a breaking point, frankly, it got to your rock bottom. And I think that a lot of people may be able to relate to that, is that I'm living my life in service to other people. And people call it love, and they don't realize that it is a conditional type of love. It is not an unconditional type of love. Can you talk a little bit about that in terms of codependency and recognizing when you're in a relationship that may be turning toxic and how we might be ourselves contributing to that by either enabling it or not being able to really understand our own wants and needs enough that we live our lives in service to other people. Can you talk about that?

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah. And I love when he started talking about unconditional love. It is my motto. Unconditional love. I actually have two tattoos in English and in Hebrew over my body, which says unconditional love in Hebrew. It's beautiful, which is free love. And the true meaning of unconditional love is to give without receiving. Now, people would say, but I do without receiving.

Dr. Etel Leit:
I give it. I give it free. I work so hard, and then I come home to my family. And that's what I do. Remember we talked about being authentic. Usually people give to receive. They give love so they can receive love. They give admiration so they can get admiration.

Dr. Etel Leit:
They give unconditionally, quote, unquote, because it's really conditional. So they can receive to the point that they are worried so much about their surrounding and environment and they don't.

Jennifer Norman:
Look within and it may not necessarily be a physical getting something.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Oh, absolutely.

Jennifer Norman:
A validation.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yes.

Jennifer Norman:
It could be like I'm giving because it's like that other person is going to think better of me or keep me in their life. Or it's almost like a fear based giving versus a giving out of your bliss.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Exactly. And we can give if we are not filled with ourselves. Because then what are you going to give if you have. I always give the many examples with a jar of water. If your jar of water is empty or half full and you start watering somebody else, you are not going to have anything left to you. And then you're hoping that you're going to water somebody else so they can do it for you, but you're empty. When you first look within and really feel authentic and you give it to somebody and you help someone without manipulating. Yes, I said it.

Dr. Etel Leit:
I said it. Without trying to manipulate the other person that he was going to like you, love you, appreciate you, validate you. This is the true giving. When you start with the obsession of worry about somebody else. And I'm going to explain because right now people would say no, but I don't do it right. But it's all the subconscious is doing it right. When I start to worry about somebody else behavior. If they're like that, have they talked to me? Are they looking at the Internet? Are they addicted to something? Should I fix them? They're overweight.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Maybe I'm gonna help them. It's the helping. It starts like a helping and then it goes into obsessing. I'm trying to soothe myself through somebody else fixing, right? So I'm trying to fix and help and give and do something for someone else. Usually somebody else maybe needs your help, but I'm doing it not. So the other person is going, they didn't even ask us. We didn't even take the time to say, would you like my help? Usually they would say, no, thank you, I can do it by myself. Right, but you do it so you can be so that.

Dr. Etel Leit:
So our anxiety is going to be soothed. This little child that needs to be rugged, that needs to be calm. We'll feel this calmness. Oh, I did it. I did it to somebody else. But it's just momentary because you can feel so good about yourself when somebody else feeling good. But then your anxiety is going to come again, step again. Oh my God.

Dr. Etel Leit:
And then I need to do something else. So then I go to another person and another project and I worry another person and I obsess about another thing because it's really not attending to the me.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah, I call it 'I need to feel needed'. It's almost like you need for other people to need you. And so you do things because it helps you to feel like, well, they need me. They need me to do this for them or help them. And that is more conditional than we realize. I think it's an unconscious type of transactional type of arrangement, if you will.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah, yeah. The most beautiful connection and communication and relationships. It's when you give really out of your heart. Even with children. So many people would think, oh my God, when you love your children, it's unconditionally, Right? Some parents would, and I know it's a little bit kind of like will shake the listeners, but some parents will do so much for the kids so they will feel good about themselves. Oh, I'm the best parent ever.

Jennifer Norman:
Best parent.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Exactly. But true love is really give. Especially in romantic relationships. Yes. When we going to get there? Especially romantic relationships. Yeah.

Jennifer Norman:
So what would a healthier relationship look like versus one? Because this is sounding like, okay, if I have this weakness within me and I don't even realize it and I'm acting in this way where I'm needy, I need to feel validated. I need that other person to need me. How can somebody then work their way out of that in order to be able to have more balance so that they're also feeding their themselves in a proper way, a healthy way, and also feeding the relationship.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yes, great question. But people ask me, they come to me like, okay, what should I do? Give me the recipe, give me the formula. What should I do? And I say, wait before, what should I do? It's the process of the three A's. So if you're ready, listeners, write your notes on a pen, on a pencil and write. They're the three A's for every healing process. Yeah. The first A is awareness. Because mostly, as I said, I was not aware you adapting to your behavior, that you're not even aware that you're doing it. The first is the awareness before you start doing anything.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Second is the acceptance. Okay, so awareness then acceptance. Oh, that's what I do. I'm accepting that I have this heavy pain in me, not in someone else, not because of the he she dee, he did, she did. It's me, I'm accepting it.

Jennifer Norman:
So it's not accepting the behavior or it's not accepting this is the way things are. It's accepting the fact that this is how I was acting and I understand that. I'm aware of it. And I get that's why I am where I am now. I accept that I am responsible for this situation because of either my behaviors or the way that this relationship is structured. Okay.

Dr. Etel Leit:
I love it. Responsible, accountable. Yes. I am in a toxic relationship. The person is really mistreating me. And we can sit and point. And I'm not saying there's no abusive relationships, physical, emotional, psychological, there are so many. But I can see it.

Dr. Etel Leit:
And this is my thing. I can go online to social media and just browse narcissist all day long and send it to my friends and feel so good about myself because hey, social media came up with a buzzword which is narcissist, by the way. It's only 1% of the population that are true narcissist. But now it's fun because we are living in a little bit of a victimhood society. So it's rather, it's fun to say he's a narcissist, she's crazy, he's whatever.

Jennifer Norman:
So it becomes an overused term. Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Etel Leit:
A victimized use. And again, I'm not saying people are really going through relationships like that and it's easier, but what's really difficult is to say, oh, wow, I live in acceptance. I'm part of it. I am part of it. Nobody forced me to stay in this relationship. I'm doing it because. And this is where we dig in. Okay? So awareness, acceptance, taking responsibility, being accountable.

Dr. Etel Leit:
And only then comes the last A, which is an action. Okay, Then is taking the action to see what do I do now to be better with myself first and then really amazing and my next relationship that is coming. And it is going to come only if you work on yourself. Right. So remember the jar with the water, water that I talked about? Let's say I'm gonna drop one drop of black dye and now I'm gonna try to have great relationship, which means more clean water. It doesn't matter. Whatever clean water you're gonna put in the jar, the black dye is gonna still have some dirt in the jar. So before you jump, clean yourself from within.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Be honest with yourself. Be courageous to really do it. It's a process. It's not like a one day thing. And then slowly when the clean water is gonna come, it's gonna be so beautiful and amazing because remember the other water that is coming in is also a sel. Someone that has relationship and used to have black dye. And together you're trying to form something that is cleaner and more beautiful and honest within you.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah, I Liken it to that metaphor of the frog that's in the pot of water, where if the water is cold and the frog is in the water and the water starts to heat up, it's on a stovetop and it starts to heat up, the frog doesn't know because it's in it. And it's so gradual that the frog has no idea that the water is getting so hot. And then ultimately the frog dies because it's boiling. Where whereas. And that's what happens with our lives, with relationships. We go along and these things happen and we don't realize, oh, it's not so bad, it's not so bad and that. And we're living in it and so we're not necessarily as aware of how bad things are getting because it's so gradual. But if that same frog was to jump into a pot of boiling water, it's going to jump right out because it's like, whoa, this is too much.

Jennifer Norman:
This is not good for me. And it would be able to recognize that. So I think once we do call aaa, get that awareness, acceptance and action, it's kind of like we' able to really see things from a different perspective and be like, oh, this isn't healthy. This is exactly opposite of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. And this is how I have contributed it. I think a lot of people are like, well, that's all well and good, but changing is so hard. Changing the way that I am and what I believe about myself and how I act, because it's so easy to go back to those learned behaviors. People go back to their own habits, the old patterns of thinking, all of those things.

Jennifer Norman:
And so, so that's where self compassion comes in. It's like we know that we want to make a change. It's not going to be easy. It might take some time, but it is so worth it. It really is worth it. Because do you really want to continue living this way until you find yourself on the floor of a bathroom with a heart rate of 21? It's not great.

Dr. Etel Leit:
You don't or maybe even die because I saw the white light. I really saw the white light and I heard the white light talking to me. And the white light said the name of my children call for help. And I knew at this moment that I need to go, go back to this world. It was a near death experience which back then I didn't even know what it is. I really didn't. And I knew that I was almost to the other side. That was a big wake up call and thank God I wanted to come back for my children.

Dr. Etel Leit:
And you said something when we are staying in something we say it's not that bad. Sometimes we know it's bad, but we don't believe in ourselves that we can do it or we're trying to change the other person we like. If we do this and this and this, they're going to change. They're going to stop using or talk to me like that. Or if I'm going to be prettier so we go and we try to. Or if I want to be smarter, if I'm going to do. It's the illusion. If just something will happen, then it's going to change.

Dr. Etel Leit:
But no one can change unless they want to. Not yourself, not your partner, not the person you're not your parent. Nobody will change, no one, unless they really desire. And you tapped on something, you said it's so hard to change. And why is it so hard to change? Because our brain loves habits, right? Think about it. When you tie your shoelace, what do you do first? Try it or first left? Everybody does it. Usually I do it first. Right.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Now try for a week to do it first. Right? Your brain is not going to. You will forget. And unless you have a big sign there awareness first. Then the action of like no, you need to do the other shoe first. And living your life is like for whoever is skiing, I don't like to ski. I like warm weather and the sun. But for skiing or driving from one point to another, when you do it many, many times on a ski slope, you just go wherever the ski slope, you don't start a new ro because it's easier, right? When you drive from place A to B and you do it every day, you go to your work every day or to the supermarket or the gym every day.

Dr. Etel Leit:
And all of a sudden, Waze, a Google map will tell you, hey, go this way. You're like, what? Like it feels so weird because you got a habit of going through the same route every day, same thing with changing deeper things that you not can see. Like visually, how can you do that?

Jennifer Norman:
Autopilot.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yes. That's really hard. Hard?

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah, Very, very hard.

Dr. Etel Leit:
And you need to be accountable with someone because sometimes by yourself it's really hard to do it. So when you meet someone and you're accountable to someone, the change starts. And I want to even go further. It's not only meeting your coach or your therapist or your doctor or someone that you really, really trust. Sometimes it's even a new partner. Because when new partners are really matching each other, they're helping each other elevate. And that's the beauty of having a partner that is solid and you feel trust and you feel safe with. With them or her, they will help you elevate.

Dr. Etel Leit:
It's not like, okay, I need to come fixed in my new partner and love and start my new life because I'm a new person. No, a new person. You will feel so safe around them that even when you missed, even if you did something, they're still accepting you and you still accept them and which is. I'm like, going forward, but this is great relationship. It's about accepting and having really safe place to be who you are.

Jennifer Norman:
Absolutely. I'm thinking about some of the conversations that I've had with other women where they either think, well, this is the best I can do. Like, they think, well, I can't find anybody better. There's really not that many fish in the sea. All the good ones are taken. You know all of those phrases that we tell ourselves about why we decide to stay. And then there's also the thinking like, well, am I just being arrogant by saying that I'm better than this person? Is that a wrong thing to think that this person is beyond hope and that we can't make it work?

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah.

Jennifer Norman:
If we were to continue working on it. It takes two to tango. So does the other person also have to be involved in this change, this therapy, this coaching, or can one person do it alone?

Dr. Etel Leit:
Great question. So for people to match, the people to stick. Again, I'm about the threes. I was in Israeli Intelligence. We all have threes. So are you ready for the next three? The three Vs. Okay, let's call it the three Vs.

Jennifer Norman:
The three Vs. Oh, that's pretty nice.

Dr. Etel Leit:
In order for a couple to really match and be together, the three Vs. The first one is what we do in the first, second, third date. It's the vibe. I call it the scent. It's falling in love from your nose. When you smell someone, when the vibe is how they look. Now, people think that it's like, oh, my God, it's the blonde, blue eyes. It's the tall with high cheek... No, it's not.

Dr. Etel Leit:
She can be really beautiful. He can be handsome, but the scent is not going to do it for you. It's all about the scent and it's different from one another. I mean, the perfume industry. Right? Wow. One perfume will be so good on me and not good on the other person. So that's the first V. It's so true.

Dr. Etel Leit:
What is that? Second V Be are values. Okay, so values, for example, you go on a first date with a person to a restaurant and you start yelling at the waitress, oops. For me, my values, I need a person that will be very nice and sweet with anyone around them. Even if the waitress like by mistake pour the water on the person. It happens. But I can start seeing what the values and other values like. Family values. Family values are high or and I'm not saying there is wrong or right.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Everyone has their set of values. Another set of value is do you do self work or not? Some people, it's really important for them that it's going to be through a therapist or a coach. Some other people, it's important for them that it's going to journal. Where is your self for? And some people don't even care about that, right? So that's a value. That's you for your answer. Okay, so we have vibe values. And the third one is vision. Where is the vision? You're still, you're both of you on a boat, right? You can have fun on this boat and you listen to music and go to dates and have fun and another date, another.

Dr. Etel Leit:
But where is this boat taking you to? What is the destination? Are you just like floating from one day to another or there is a vision? So for example, do you want children or not? What about the other person today with the app meeting people on app online or Instagram? Many people meet on Instagram and they live in different places. Do you intend to live in the same place or not? Are you okay with long distance relationship? How does it look like? Who's doing the effort? Are you going to text every day? Are you going to make sure you do FaceTime? These are all very vision that are very important. And mostly people kind of like neglect one of them. They go on the vibe usually. Oh my God. And some people even neglect the vibe. They're like, oh my God, he's an amazing person. So even though I'm not that attractive, I'm gonna do it.

Dr. Etel Leit:
I'm gonna try doing it. Not gonna work. Okay, so vibe, yeah, values and vision. Think about it, is the other person shares the same thing with you. That's it. That's the beginning of a great glue together.

Jennifer Norman:
That's beautiful. See that people will get together with somebody else because they feel that that person can take care of them or like, oh well, he's got a good job, he makes money, he's very good at what he does. But. And that's erasing a bit of the vibe. It might be part of your values, potentially of what you're, you know, what you're looking for in a person. It's that the finance bro TikTok that's going viral right now.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Oh, God, yes. You know, and also he admires me. Not only financially, but he admires me. He will do anything that I want from him.

Jennifer Norman:
He loves me. Yeah, well, and I think that a lot of people don't necessarily understand the word love or maybe have mixed feelings or understandings of what the word love means in those kinds of contexts because. And that's not necessarily a recipe for a long.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah, I have abbreviation for love.

Jennifer Norman:
Are you ready?

Dr. Etel Leit:
Another abbreviation.

Jennifer Norman:
Yes, already. I'm ready. It done. What is love?

Dr. Etel Leit:
Letting. L. So letting another person. But I forgot, letting one. Letting oneself.

Jennifer Norman:
Letting oneself.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah. Voluntarily evolve. Voluntarily evolve.

Jennifer Norman:
Evolve.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Letting oneself voluntarily evolve. You are not going to evolve for them. You're not going to fix them. And I also have prompts here. Right. Are you ready for my prompts? You're not going to use the magnifying glass of checking if they evolve, what they need to do? Did they do this?

Jennifer Norman:
For those just listening, Etel has a magnifying glass in her hand. She's pulled out. This is beautiful.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah. You're going to use the mirror, which is a heart mirror. Heart pink mirror. My say is always put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.

Jennifer Norman:
Pick up the heart shaped mirror.

Dr. Etel Leit:
That's the true definition of love. Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. That's true, true love.

Jennifer Norman:
That's gorgeous. Yes. And to that end, a lot of the best relationships are when people feel free together, when they feel that they can be themselves, when they can work on themselves, do the things that they love. But they are also in a relationship where they just nurture and feed off of each other and know how to celebrate each other's growth. That is letting oneself voluntarily evolve and letting that other person voluntarily evolve and then being together and loving each other for how you're able to synergistically evolve together. That's beautiful.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah. I can tell you the one fear of men when they come home from work. I mean, most of my men in my clinic, they're really sometimes afraid to come home because they know that the minute that they kind of come home and open the door, what is it going to be? Yeah, the magnifying glass. Exactly.

Jennifer Norman:
Immediately that is hard. It's like they're tired enough as it is and they go home and they don't even want to go home. So a lot of them go to the bar. Yeah. Oh, that's so hard.

Dr. Etel Leit:
And they can't multitask as women. And can you imagine a man coming home and being accepted for who we are, who he is?

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Coming home and just being accepted and letting...wind down from the day, he's your king. Hey, lady, he's your king. Just let him be. And you're the queen immediately. I do believe in a king and a queen. When you feel a queen with yourself without having the need for someone to say to you, you're a queen, immediately you're going to magnetize a big king next to you, a real one that will treat both of you and what you have as a kingdom and woman.

Jennifer Norman:
You are a queen without a king, you know, and you can be a queen. You're always going to be your own queen. You don't need a king to be a queen. Beautiful. Wow. So what are some of the other steps? If somebody's like, okay, I understand, I'm in a talk. I've got the awareness, I've got that acceptance. What is that action step that you think, like people will need to take either separately or together in order to rectify a situation, to get to a place where they're communicating well and that they have this free together type of relationship? Yeah.

Dr. Etel Leit:
So first I would say we'll start with the self. Okay. First I would say, so simple, like go and find out your hobbies.

Jennifer Norman:
Yes.

Dr. Etel Leit:
It's so simple. I call it the playlist. So with me, people build their playlist. What's your playlist for me, my play. It's a play list, right. It's music, it's dancing. I love dancing. It's cooking, what I want.

Dr. Etel Leit:
It's like, what is my playlist? What makes me feel alive? Okay. Many people really forget about it because they're or so obsessed and trapped with somebody else. And I get it. Some people, when they have young kids, they don't have the time to do it. And if you find someone that will respect your playlist, not only that, will be curious about your playlist. They don't necessarily have to do everything with you, but will just let you do that. And some of the things, be curious and do it with you. Wow.

Dr. Etel Leit:
That's the first beginning. Because remember, communication starts before words. We communicate with our body, we communicate with our energy. We communicate with so much before words starts. And when you're complete with your hobbies, because hobbies playlist tells me, how do you play what's your inner child. Right. When you allow yourself to be a child next to expose yourself. Right.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Not to be irresponsible child, but just to be this child and play with someone else. And by the way, that goes to sexuality. Many people are closed off because they think, oh my God, if I'm gonna let him, then it's something like that. When you allow yourself to play outside of the bedroom and in the bedroom that opens up and invites such a safe place place for you to be with your partner. It's the beginning of everything. And again, pay attention. When I said in the bedroom, I didn't say please someone or be someone that you don't want to be or do something that you don't want. Feel free with yourself.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Just let it all out and you'll see. That's the beginning of amazing communication.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah, yeah. Without judgment. I think that so many of us that like we self criticize, then we get intimidated and we don't feel so sexy about ourselves. We don't feel good about ourselves. And that's part of the self love journey. It's just learning to just the uninhibited you, no matter what. Like this is your beautiful body. This is your beautiful playlist.

Jennifer Norman:
These are the things that bring you joy and fulfillment. And a lot of us may have gotten our lives so out of touch with our own inner beings, our own inner children that we don't even recognize it anymore. And so it does take. It takes a little bit to journal and to find yourself again and to rekindle that playlist, to rekindle that sense of just. I'm going to be less self conscious. It's kind of an ironic statement, right? I'm like more conscious of myself, myself, but I'm less self conscious of the way that I'm coming across to anybody else. That's really what it is, is that you're just gonna just enjoy it for you. Yeah.

Jennifer Norman:
That's beautiful.

Dr. Etel Leit:
I have my playlist on my website because I want everyone to know my playlist and I love it and I want my clients to know that. So you're more invited to go and see my playlist and even create one of yours.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Because it's a fun thing to do. The minute that my playlist is to people please someone else. Okay. You're ready for another writing. When I do something that I just do it to somebody else, else will be pleased or love me or like me or something that I don't. People pleasing equals lying to myself.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah.

Dr. Etel Leit:
That's the crux of the me people pleasing equals lying to myself. And I'm not saying not to do gestures for some other people that I don't want to because we can't ever have with ourselves without serving others. Volunteering, giving. I volunteer in women jail. Do I want to wake up on Saturday at 5:00 am? No, I don't. But then I know that when I give, I can receive. Okay, I don't do it to I can people, please. I really truly doing when I I'm giving to these ladies in jail, it's just unbelievable.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Same thing in a relationship. Don't do it to please someone because it creates resentment. Resentment is a volcano that didn't blow up. This volcano is going to blow up some days, I promise you that. That's one thing I know I'm not a fortune teller, but this volcano of people pleasing is going to blow up one day.

Jennifer Norman:
Yes.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Like, oh, I did all this for you. So find first what pleases you? What's your playlist? What do you like? How do you want it to be in bed and visit this playlist and renew this playlist. Many people come together. The first year is amazing. The honeymoon then within honeymoon takes about three months to a year and they forget about it. How beautiful that you can recreate this playlist for the person. I mean, we grow. Yeah.

Dr. Etel Leit:
We move. Our interests are different.

Jennifer Norman:
Playlists may change.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Exactly. Exactly.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah. And I think that this can be tricky for a lot of people because we are so accustomed to saying, like, well, maybe I'm doing this. Maybe I learned how to do music because I wanted to impress somebody else or I wanted to make my parents happy or maybe I'm doing art or I like going shopping and {fashion} because I like know when people compliment me. And so it's a little insidious. I think that a lot of times it's hard to separate why we're doing things for other people because sometimes we rationalize, well, I just love to do it. Sometimes we'll tell ourselves, well, I really love to travel. When meanwhile, it's like you want to take the Instagram pictures and show everybody else what a fabulous life you have or go to that restaurant because it's a cool thing and people will be like, oh, you went there.

Jennifer Norman:
So sometimes we, without even realizing it, we are people pleasing and we are lying to ourselves because we are not necessarily doing it for us. We're doing it for an accolade. We're doing it for other either to show off or to come across as being. It's more ego Driven than it is like love and emotional bliss driven. And it takes a little bit of deconstruction on your part. It takes a bit of work for you to get to that place where you can really be on. Honest with your intentions, be honest with.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yourself, especially with social media. What he said was really kind of like clients who will go to the restaurant to put the picture on social media, not only that they will be able to look this way, but maybe that the ex is going to be jealous or somebody say, yes, revenge. Yeah. Because this is how I look like. And again, it's the outside versus the inside.

Jennifer Norman:
This is the revenge bod, too. Like, you may think that you're doing it for you, but you're really doing it just to get back at somebody. And that's not necessarily all that healthy either.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Right. And for me, it means I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe to be who I really am. And this is the deep, deep, deep work, you know, because we talked about the how. But the deep work is how can you feel safe to be who you are.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Without judging yourself, allowing other people to judge you when you feel safe and free to do all these things, that's the core of a beginning of a new relationship. This is when you take out all the dirt from your jar and like, I can be me.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah.

Dr. Etel Leit:
How beautiful.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah. I had learned this exercise, too, which, it's interesting because we are such a society now that has a short attention span, and we need to be stimulated. And sometimes if we take a moment of quiet or solitude, it feels like boredom and we get uncomfortable with it. And so we feel that we need to get back on our phones and scroll or do something else. And that is not necessarily conducive to us knowing ourselves because we're constantly, constantly receiving input from other things, other people, other sources, without essentially taking that quiet moment to either meditate or just think or journal or. And come and really just evolve from the recesses of our own selves and then develop our own personalities and our own likes and our own wants and needs.

Jennifer Norman:
And so that's a tricky thing because people don't like to feel bored. They get discomforted when they think of, like, silence or quiet, or they think that, oh, well, I'm not thinking or I'm not doing anything. I'm not being productive if they're not actually being effective in that physical way.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Right. And I love what you said, and I think this is going to be like the ending, which I, you know, also with the frog. Maybe we can end with that. But first, the brain is our sometimes worst enemy. Especially for women who are career women. We try to think love instead of feel.

Jennifer Norman:
Yes, yes, yes.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Or feel. I can tell you this is a quote from my Unaddicted To You, from my book, which I love. And I have it in next to my nightstand in my handwriting and it says, "God is in the pause". And when I say God, it could be universe, it could be anything that is in the pause. Sometimes when you do nothing, the answers come, the love comes, everything comes. You don't have to do anything. And the how is like you said, meditate, journal, listen to music, garden, allow yourself to drink your cup of coffee. I actually drink chocolate milk. I quit caffeine.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Outside with your partner. Look at each other's eyes when you, you talk. Okay, so reduce the tempo and teach your body to reduce the tempo a little bit, even when you're a parent. So it's interesting when you said about the frog. So this is the story that I know about the frog. I didn't know your story, but let's do it. So there was a frog and he would dropped into my jar a pot of a cream, right.

Dr. Etel Leit:
And he was trying to get out of the cream. So what did he do? What's the frog did? Like paddled and paddled and paddled and moved very, very, very fast. And you know, because the frog was so afraid to drown. And what happened to this cream? The cream got harder and harder and harder and harder and harder until it became a butter and the frog was actually stuck in the cream, was not able to get out. Now if the frog would be in the quiet for a moment and maybe just floated on the cream, maybe then he could scream for help and somebody would come and pick him up or something will happen. But instead he thought that the more he's going to do, the more he's going to try. He's going to get out of this pot. Which the other happened because he stayed stuck there and eventually would never be able to get out.

Jennifer Norman:
Interesting. Interesting. Wow. I was hopeful that he was going to whip it into butter and then ultimately be able to just hop out off on the top of the butter. But no, he was stuck.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Sometimes not doing is the best thing ever.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah, that's true.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Not doing is the best thing ever.

Jennifer Norman:
It's the discernment of knowing. Knowing what? And knowing. Knowing how. What the difference is between wanting and needing to act versus listening and being. Being still.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Yeah. Letting go. Surrender. Surrender to the journey.

Jennifer Norman:
Dr. Etel Leit. Her books are Unaddicted To You as well as The Emotional Code. I will certainly put their information in the show notes as well as Dr. Leit's information for her website. I encourage everybody to go and check her out so that you can learn more about healthy relationships, healthy communication, and falling in love with yourself. Dr. Leit, thank you so much for being on The Human Beauty Movement Podcast today.

Dr. Etel Leit:
Thank you for having me.

Jennifer Norman:
All right, thank you for listening to The Human Beauty Movement Podcast. Be sure to follow, rate and review us wherever you stream podcasts. The Human Beauty Movement is a community based platform that cultivates the beauty of humankind. Check out our workshops, find us on social media and share our inspiration with all the beautiful humans in your life. Learn more at thehumanbeautymovement.com. Thank you so much for being a beautiful human.