SOLO WISDOM: The Healing Art of Self-Love with Jennifer Norman

Jennifer Norman:
Hello, beautiful humans. Welcome to my first solo episode of the Human Beauty Movement Podcast. To be honest, I've been really nervous about trying to record a solo episode because I didn't think that I had enough expertise to offer you. But honestly, after 4 years of interviewing other people, about 200 episodes down, I discovered that I actually have learned quite a bit. And so I wanted to share some of that with you here today. I thought it would be most fitting to talk about the topic of self-love, and not the Pinterest version, not the just take a bath and light a candle version, although I do support a good candle moment. Today is about self-love that holds up under pressure, the kind that you can access when you're anxious, when you're disappointed in yourself, when your brain is narrating your life like a reality show judge, Because here's what I've learned: self-love isn't a mood, it's a practice. It's not something that you finally achieve when you fix yourself, it's what helps you stop treating yourself like a problem to solve.

Jennifer Norman:
Today I'm going to share with you first what self-love really is, why it matters with real research, why we struggle with it, and a set of practices proven to work that you can start using today. So now let's go a little deeper. First, let's talk about what self-love actually is. Let's face it, when people say self-love, it can sound kind of cheesy and vague, like love myself how, like a Hallmark card? A clearer way that I've found to understand self-love is through self-compassion. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers in this space, Self-compassion has 3 core components. The first one is self-kindness instead of self-judgment. Second, common humanity instead of isolation. And third, mindfulness instead of over-identifying with your pain.

Jennifer Norman:
So self-love doesn't mean you think you're perfect. It means when you're struggling, you don't abandon yourself. It's the difference between I'm failing, I'm a mess, and this is hard, I'm human, what do I need right now? That's self-love. It's practical, it's grounded, and it's not performative. Next, let's talk about why self-love matters. Believe it or not, this isn't philosophical fluff. A major meta-analysis in Clinical Psychology Review found a strong relationship between self-compassion and lower psychopathology like anxiety and depression symptoms..

Jennifer Norman:
In plain language, people who are more self-compassionate tend to suffer less mentally. And when it comes to training it, self-love isn't just a personality trait you either got or didn't get in the genetic lottery. Proof of that resides in an 8-week program called Mindfulness Self-Compassion (MSC), developed by Neff and Germer. It's been tested in a randomized controlled trial, and guess what? In the end, the test group showed measurable increases in self-compassion, well-being, and emotional resilience. So if you've ever thought, I'm just not a self-love person, I want you to hear me. You can learn self-love and live a better life because of it. Self-love is trainable.

Jennifer Norman:
And here's what surprised me most when I first learned this. Self-compassion does not make you complacent. It actually makes you courageous. When you're not terrified of your own criticism, you're more willing to take risks. Self-love doesn't weaken your standards, it actually strengthens your stability. So then, why is it so hard to show ourselves love and compassion? Well, first, we were actually trained that way. Many of us grew up learning that love is earned through performance. Being helpful, being pretty, being accomplished, being low maintenance, being exceptional, or being quiet about our needs. We were trained that love was conditional.

Jennifer Norman:
Second, our brains have a negativity bias. It scans for threats, and that includes flaws. Your mind is designed to focus on what's wrong because historically that has helped humans survive against danger. That's why in today's modern day and age, self-criticism might feel like it's being super productive, but it's often just anxiety wearing a business suit.

Jennifer Norman:
Third, shame. Shame says something is wrong with me. It doesn't motivate healing. It motivates hiding. Brené Brown's work on shame resilience emphasizes naming shame, building critical awareness, reaching out, and responding with empathy. Because shame thrives in secrecy and isolation. And in today's world, shame has a megaphone, comparison culture. We compare our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel, then wonder why we don't feel lovable. But shame doesn't build resilience. It builds fear. And Brené's research shows us that shame thrives in secrecy and it dissolves in connection. So if self-love feels hard, it may not be because you're incapable. It may be because shame got in the way and made you secretly feel bad about yourself.

Jennifer Norman:
So here are some real steps gleaned from credible research and therapeutic approaches. And yes, you can do these without becoming a monk or moving to a remote cabin. First, minimize self-criticism with a self-compassion break. This is one of the most useful practices from Dr. Kristin Neff's work. It's designed to activate the three components that I mentioned before: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

Jennifer Norman:
So try this in real time. It only takes about 30 to 60 seconds. First, put a hand on your chest or on your cheek and take a deep breath. Then say this to yourself: this is a moment of struggle. That is a mindfulness tactic. No drama, no exaggeration, just truth. Then say to yourself, this struggle is a part of being human. This is common humanity.

Jennifer Norman:
It's believing that you are not uniquely flawed. We all have struggles. And then finally say to yourself, may I respond with kindness. Notice that word. Respond. Self-love is a response. It's not a personality trait. And that's it.

Jennifer Norman:
There's no spiritual gymnastics, just a pattern interruption that retrains how you respond to pain. The hand on your chest or on your cheek, the deep breath. This is a moment of struggle. Struggle is a part of being human. May I respond to myself with kindness. This tiny intervention has been shown in research to calm the threat response and regulate your nervous system toward greater self-compassion. It's pretty amazing, right?

Jennifer Norman:
Okay, next, practice number 2: deflect shame with the name it and share it safely method. After all, shame wants silence. The antidote is often language and connection. So try this simple 3-step practice that's inspired by shame resilience research. First, name it. Say to yourself, I am feeling shame. Then normalize it. Say to yourself, my nervous system is trying to protect me. These feelings that I'm feeling is just my nervous system trying to protect me.

Jennifer Norman:
Then thirdly, share it safely. Say to yourself, who can I share this safely with? And try and think of one trustworthy person. It could be a friend, It could be a partner, it could be a therapist, or even a support group. But what you don't want to do right now is go on social media, announce why you feel such shame, and seek likes or comments or validation. That is performative. It's not real, and it's not safe. This is actually a moment where you need real interpersonal trust and connection. Feel safe enough to be seen without armor or airs with somebody that you know and trust.

Jennifer Norman:
Practice number 3: Forgive yourself by reframing your life as being in progress. You don't need to forgive yourself by pretending that what happened was fine. You forgive yourself by releasing these kinds of identity sentences: I'm such a bad person. I am such a mistake. Mm-mm. Here is the reframe: I'm a human being. I'm in development. I'm a work in progress. This isn't a cop-out, it's actually maturity, and it aligns with what growth mindset research emphasizes: orienting toward learning from your mistakes rather than using them as proof of inadequacy.

Jennifer Norman:
Okay, here's practice number 4: building a spiritual connection to your inner self. And I'm going to define spiritual gently here. I'm gonna define it as a relationship with the deeper part of you that exists beneath performance. One evidence-backed way is in loving-kindness meditation, a practice associated with increases in positive emotions and personal resources over time. You can do a simple version in only 60 seconds, and it goes something like this: breathe, focus, calm yourself, and repeat these lines to yourself. May I be safe. May I be well. May I live with ease.

Jennifer Norman:
And repeat. And when you're ready, you can extend it outward to someone you love, to someone neutral, or even perhaps someday to somebody who has been difficult in your life. This practice helps you to stop relating to yourself like an enemy. And remember, if doing this feels uncomfortable, that is Okay. Discomfort doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. It can mean that you're stretching beyond old conditioning. Okay. And practice number 5, get out of your head with therapeutic writing.

Jennifer Norman:
Expressive writing has deep, deep research. It has such benefits and they are meaningful in the short term and in the long term overall. So try this. If you can take just 15 minutes, maybe 3 times a week or less, whatever you have time for, write out the truth of what you are carrying uncensored. All those things that you don't want to admit. The fear, the resentment, the exhaustion. And then at the end of it all, end the line with this: What I need right now is— and fill in that blank. Clarity is a strong form of self-awareness. That can beget self-compassion and self-loving capacity. Write it all down, get it out, and then at the end, define what you need right now.

Jennifer Norman:
Okay, and here is what I wanna say very, very clearly. If self-love feels impossible because you're dealing with trauma or depression or anxiety or chronic stress, please don't interpret that as personal failure. Sometimes the most self-loving act is getting support. The greatest lie that we tell ourselves is that we are all alone and that no one cares. Even though it can feel that way, it cannot be farther from the truth.

Jennifer Norman:
There are a myriad of free resources available to you. Places you can go, people you can call, sessions you can take. There's no shame in asking for help. In fact, it's one of the bravest things that we can ever do.

Jennifer Norman:
So as we come to a close, dear humans, I want to leave you with these parting thoughts. Self-love isn't loud. It doesn't require declarations or performance. It's quiet, it's steady, and it's a decision. A decision to stop weaponizing your humanity against yourself. A decision to respond with care instead of criticism. A decision to remember that growth and gentleness can coexist. You can hold high standards and you can hold yourself softly. That's not weakness, that's wisdom. And here's what I know to be true. The way you treat yourself in private is the truest expression of beauty that you will ever carry. That's where real change begins. That's where self-love becomes power. I'm Jennifer Norman, and this is the Human Beauty Movement.

Jennifer Norman:
Thank you for listening to the Human Beauty Movement Podcast. Be sure to follow, rate, and review us wherever you stream podcasts. The Human Beauty Movement is a community-based platform that cultivates the beauty of humankind. Check out our workshops, find us on social media, and share our inspiration with all the beautiful humans in your life. Learn more at thehumanbeautymovement.com. Thank you so much for being a beautiful human.