Overcoming Substance Addiction with Courtney Proper

Jennifer Norman:
Hello beautiful humans. Welcome to The Human Beauty Movement Podcast, your source for hope, healing, happiness and humanity. My name is Jennifer Norman. I'm the founder of The Human Beauty Movement and your host. This podcast is here to guide you on your journey of self love, empowerment, soul alignment and joy. With each episode, I invite beautiful humans from all corners of the globe to join me for open conversations about their life lessons and the important work that they are doing to help heal humankind. Take a moment now to subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss an episode. I'm so glad you're here, joining me for today's show.

Jennifer Norman:
Did you know that over 20 million Americans struggle with substance addiction and only about 10% receive treatment?

Jennifer Norman:
These numbers highlight the deep need for stories of hope and recovery. And today's guest brings just that. Joining us is Courtney Proper, a woman with a powerful story. Once an athlete and a straight A student, Courtney's life took a drastic turn when in college, she began experimenting with alcohol and drugs. It led to escalated addiction over the course of years, multiple arrests, destroyed relationships, and losing custody of her daughter. But in 2018, Courtney finally found the impetus to heal. After hitting rock bottom, she entered rehab for the fourth time. And through immense perseverance, she became committed to full recovery.

Jennifer Norman:
Now six years sober, Courtney is affiliated with Recovered on Purpose, helping others share their stories and find their path to recovery. In today's episode, you'll gain valuable insights into the harsh realities of addiction, the power of faith, surrender, and the importance of never giving up, even when the road to recovery seems impossible. Please join me in welcoming Courtney to the show. Hi, Courtney.

Courtney Proper:
Hi. Thank you so much for having me.

Jennifer Norman:
It's so great to have you, too. Thank you so much for being so open about your story in a way to help others who might be going through the same thing. I think that it's so courageous.

Courtney Proper:
Oh, thank you. Yeah. Anything I can do to help spread hope, because that's what got me through, so.

Jennifer Norman:
Absolutely. So I would love if you could take us back to your life before all of this started. Tell me what you were like as a child. What were some of your goals? What were your dreams? And how were you during the high school years?

Courtney Proper:
Yeah, so I had a really great childhood. My parents divorced when I was 12, but that was like, the extent of my trauma. So I was very active at church. My mom dragged me and my sister every Sunday morning, every Wednesday night. We participated in youth group activities in my high school years, and I was always in a bunch of extracurricular activities in middle school and high school, I was in volleyball and basketball and I played clarinet. I was in marching band, student council, National Honor Society, debate team, yearbook editor. I mean, all the things.

Courtney Proper:
And even when my parents divorced, my dad was still very involved. I mean, it was a very civil, very healthy separation. And my parents just kind of worked better as co parents versus a family unit. So while for some people that could be a little traumatizing, for us it was actually very beneficial. So I don't even really count that as a, quote, trauma, but it was the only diversion from like, the perfect childhood that I experienced. But yeah, I mean, we were, me and my sister, she's four and a half years younger, we got along. We were both very active in the community. With church in the summertime when I was in the youth group, I went to church camp. I helped out with vacation Bible school.

Courtney Proper:
My mom taught Sunday school. She did, like, nursery duty and then the younger elementary ages and I helped out with that. I gave my life to Christ when I was 13. And I'll go into it a little bit later, but at the time I was kind of following suit. I knew that's what my parents wanted, and I thought I understood the gravity of that decision. But it wasn't until way later that I kind of like, recommitted myself really fully understanding. But at the time, that's what we did. That's what I was taught.

Courtney Proper:
I did everything that I was supposed to do. And my grades were great. I was able to maintain all my extracurriculars and keep my academics up. It was never a problem. School came pretty easy for me. I got a job when I was 16, actually 15, because I was the youngest age we could. And I was a lifeguard at our city pools in the summertime. Loved that job.

Courtney Proper:
It was great. And because I had that job, my parents bought me a car on my 16th birthday. I got my license the day I turned 16. And I was able to work because the deal was I had to pay for insurance on it. So but that was it. That was the only, like, bill that I had. So all of my money I made life gone. Partying was just kind of play money.

Courtney Proper:
I was pretty responsible with it. And yeah, I mean, my circle of friends, I had several because of all my different extracurriculars. And there was like, the people who partied and like the pot smokers. And that just didn't really appeal to me. I was so busy with school and church and all those activities that it didn't really pique my curiosity. I think I went to a couple of parties, one after prom and I had like a couple sips of alcohol, but like, it just wasn't my thing. Like I just was not into it. I don't think my parents put a lot of pressure on me academics wise, but I did on myself.

Courtney Proper:
Like I was the older sibling. I knew what was expected of me and I wanted good for me. Like there was nothing in my head space of needing to escape anything or wanting to feel popular or low self esteem. I pretty much had all that. And like I said, both my parents were around and stuff. So there's no reason for me to want to alter as being with any substances.

Jennifer Norman:
It's interesting because I think a lot of people would say, well, a lot of times childhood trauma, adverse things that occur during childhood will cause somebody to go down a path of experimentation and addiction. But yours, you painted such a specific picture about how picture perfect everything seemed to be, relatively speaking compared to what a lot of people might think about young people's addictions. And so it just essentially throws that whole theory out to a certain degree in terms of, well, had to have something that was bothering you in order to have become addicted to the extent that you did when you arrived at college. What do you think about that?

Courtney Proper:
Yeah, the majority of people I meet have experienced some kind of childhood trauma, whether it be like sexual or just violent. I can count on both hands the amount of people that I've met and I've been in recovery for a while that haven't had any kind of issues. Like, my parents weren't users, they weren't even really drinkers. I never met my mom's father, but apparently his father had an alcohol problem. That's three generations up. So, yeah, I mean, it is a very rare occurrence that I meet someone similar to me where we had no reason to drink or use or anything. But yeah, that definitely is out of the ordinary. Most people do have a reason that they turn to it and I just didn't.

Courtney Proper:
And whenever I went to college, that's when I started. And that was just more out of curiosity. I was able to be away from my parents and it was just kind of when in Rome type thing. Everybody was like drinking and things escalated from there. But yeah, I definitely think normally typically in the stigma is oh well, they started drinking or using because something happened to them. There was something catastrophic in their life and that it just snowballed into that. But for me, man, I mean, I just started doing it and I just loved it. And there is no reason there Is no reason at all other than like my brain is just wired different.

Courtney Proper:
It wasn't until I started having lots of consequences and bad experiences. And that's when I kind of realized things were going to escalate even worse and become pretty much deadly.

Jennifer Norman:
So I wanted to talk about how you, or, you know, what was the point at which you had recognized addiction? Because I think a lot of people go to college. Sure, there's a lot of drinking, There's a lot of experimentation, sometimes drinking at crazy hours or whatnot, A lot of partying, a lot of freedom, all of that. But a lot of times we think, okay, well that's just part of the college experience versus actually being, becoming an addict. When do you think that was? At what point did you say, okay, this might be teetering or maybe other people recognized it might be turning into something a bit more.

Courtney Proper:
Yeah. So it took me a while to realize that my parents picked up on it pretty quickly. Obviously they know me better than anybody. And I went down to school and gave basically a whole month off for Christmas. That's kind of how college works. And so I came home after my first semester freshman year and my mom was like, kind of notice I. I was a little bit, just a little bit not as pleasant as I was in high school. Like, I kind of had a different attitude and my demeanor had changed significantly and.

Courtney Proper:
And she knew I was drinking because I had a couple of run ins with the law during my first semester. But when she confronted me about it, I just chalked it up to exactly what you said. I'm in college. Like, what do you expect? This is what everybody does. It's not just me. I'm not like holed up in my room. I'm not flunking any classes. I haven't wrecked any cars.

Jennifer Norman:
And when you say run ins with the law, is it like drunk in public or things like that?

Courtney Proper:
So the first one happened. So I went down to College in August of '07 and the very first run in I had was really just a ticket. But we were like floating the river. Because I went to school at Texas State down in San Marcos, Texas, and it's kind of in between Austin and San Antonio. And so there's just an array of activities to do for like the younger crowd. Anyways, we were floating the river and on inner tubes we get all of our inner tubes tied together. And there was like 15 or 20 of us and amongst our tubes, someone was of age and had bought a cool. A bunch of beer.

Courtney Proper:
And we had it in a cooler and we were all tied together. And so. And I wasn't even really that drunk at the time, but the river warden was down there and he was carting everybody. And so because I was literally connected to a tube with beer, I got a minor in consumption ticket and I had to do X amount of community service. I think I had like a couple hundred dollar fine and I had to attend like five alcohol education classes or something. And I was actually able to keep that under wraps. My parents didn't even know about that until I wrote about it in my book. Because I was still trying to be perfect in their eyes.

Courtney Proper:
And this was in August and that's, I mean, I hadn't been down there not even a month where that happened. And I was like, oh my gosh. And it was bad luck. It was bad decision making. But compared to everything else that happened, that was very minimal. I mean, that was like the least of my worries as far as how things escalated. And then I had another one before I came home for the holidays.

Courtney Proper:
And that was a controlled substance charge. And that happened in October. So two months after the MIC and I had a pill in my car. I didn't even know I had it. Obviously I put it there, but I started drinking a little heavier. But again, not to my knowledge, thinking it was heavy because everybody was doing it. I was just partying like normal. But yes, I got that.

Courtney Proper:
Control substance charges, still a misdemeanor because it was my first like real issue or my first real arrest. And yeah, so it was one Xanax, cop shined the light in my car, I was speeding, got pulled over, she found it. And I was literally like, I don't even know how that got there, but they don't care.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah.

Courtney Proper:
Anyway, so that was my first actual arrest. And I had to call my mom, tell her how to get her to bail me out and stuff. And so being down there for only two months and that happening, my mom was kind of like, courtney, this isn't you. And then when I came home for Christmas, that December, two months later, she kind of noticed my mannerisms had changed a little bit. So my parents said they're like, okay, she's only been down there for a few months, she's already been arrested, and now she's just a little bit saucy. I wasn't like, in my opinion, I wasn't doing anything to show that I had a problem. But I was a college kid who is now home for a month. And I was used to all this freedom down at school, and now I didn't have that.

Courtney Proper:
So I was just kind of, like, annoyed that I had to be at home and really ready to get back to school. So they kind of picked up that things were a little bit different the very first time I came home for Christmas break. But I didn't think anything of it until years later because I knew people who drank more than me. I knew people who were doing lots of drugs, and I didn't do that. So in the comparison tier of that, you know, my parents didn't know that. They. They can only judge. They can only compare me to how I was before I went to school and then how I came home.

Courtney Proper:
In my head, I'm comparing myself to, like, all these crazy party animals. And so, of course, I didn't have a problem.

Jennifer Norman:
Now, I think that there are some schools that are known as party schools, and some parents are. I'm never going to send my child there because it's just got a bad reputation for that. Was this school one of those types of schools, or did your parents recognize that, like, okay, things are not going well? Did they ever recommend, like, changing schools or doing something different after that?

Courtney Proper:
No. So it definitely was known for a party school. I think it still probably is. I went down there because they had a really good psychology program, and that was actually my major. I did a social psychology class it my senior year in high school. It was an elective course, and I really enjoyed it. And, I mean, I made, like, a 98 in the class. Like, I was thriving in that class.

Courtney Proper:
I was like, wow. So I'm super interested in it. I'm really good at it. And so whenever I was sending off my college applications and researching them and all that, Texas State had, like, one of the top five psychology programs in the state. And I didn't really have to convince my parents to let me go down there because I had such a good track record. You know what I mean? So, like, even though it's, like, public knowledge that Texas State is a party school, they had no reason to trust that I would give in to that type of lifestyle.

Jennifer Norman:
Sure.

Courtney Proper:
Because I hadn't pretty much a clean slate in high school. And like I said, I kept my grades up. And so even though they knew that, I don't think. I think they might have thought so highly of me that I might not be susceptible to that. Or like, okay, maybe she's going to start playing around and doing things, but she probably won't take it too Far because she's always been able to maintain a good head on her shoulder. So. And again, there was no crazy trauma in my childhood. So even them kind of knowing the stigma of addicts, they're probably thinking like she has no reason to turn to drugs because we've given her a perfect life.

Courtney Proper:
Which they had.

Jennifer Norman:
Yeah.

Courtney Proper:
So they didn't ever. It wasn't until later on after junior year that they made me come home. But as far as when I told them I wanted to go to Texas State and got in accepted, they were, they were very supportive. They paid my tuition, they paid, I mean they helped me move in, vacation, my books, my room and board, all the things. Never was it like, oh yeah, it's not going to be a good idea. They wanted me to be able to do what I wanted and if it went in the wrong direction, hopefully learn from it. So yeah.

Jennifer Norman:
So in freshman year things started to slip down this path. In your sophomore year, it sounds like things have had escalated and gotten a bit worse. Until the junior year is when your parents said you need to leave this. But how do you think that this happened so quickly? Was it because everybody else was doing it or do you think that you had gone, gone beyond that? Was there some sort of a, like a, a feeling of euphoria from having maybe getting caught or doing something that wasn't necessarily a good girl thing to do? What do you think it was that caused you to really get so involved in drug and alcohol use by the time you were in sophomore year?

Courtney Proper:
Yeah, so I mean, I was just having a lot of fun. I never flunked out. I mean my grades always stayed above a 3.0 and I, I lifeguarded still in college at the rec center and I had a run ins with the law, but they were all misdemeanors, nothing major. And again, no car accidents. And so I thought that I was able to do it all. I was like, okay, so I still am a good student. I can still party, go the frat parties. I could still have like girls night with wine.

Courtney Proper:
And slowly more substances were introduced to me. So a lot of people were smoking weed. And that was never super appealing to me because I thought it stunk and it kind of made me paranoid. The few times I had tried it, however, I was drinking quite a bit again. At the time I didn't think it was that bad because everybody was drinking. I mean there's always somebody drinking, but I would start to get really drunk and really hungover the next day. And weed helped with the hangover. So it started out as just kind of like Friday, Saturday night partying kind of slowly over time.

Courtney Proper:
It wasn't instant, it was progressive, but it turned into like all weekend parties. And then at the time we didn't have Friday classes. The campus just wasn't open on Fridays. So started just Friday, Saturday. And then we started partying Thursday night and then we'd go to the pool on Sunday. And so it slowly became a two day, three then three day thing and then four day. And anyways, with that much alcohol, to me it wasn't so much like, it wasn't like my body was rejecting it.

Courtney Proper:
That's why I was always so hungover. It was because I just had never drank before and now I was. So I still went to class but I would be a little bit hungover. And so I started slowly smoking weed. It helped the hangover, it gave me an appetite, it calmed my nausea. And so the more I drank, the more often I started to smoke. And I was never like, oh my gosh, I need to go get some weed. It just always was around, I was underage.

Courtney Proper:
But alcohol was always around. Weed was just everywhere. It was just one of those less taboo drugs. And yeah, I just, I figured, well, if I'm going to drink the weed kind of helps with the hangovers in the morning. And again, I was still going to class. I had a few professors who were like, we're not going to penalize you for not coming to class. Like, you're paying this money. If you don't want to show up, that's fine, but make sure you take your midterm and your finals.

Courtney Proper:
So I had a few professors to where I didn't even really have to go to class as long as I turned in my work and I showed up for the exam, then we were fine. So I got away with a little bit more because it wasn't as strict some of those classes. But yeah, sophomore year was I was still living on campus in the dorms, but I came home that summer for the two and a half months because dorms closed. And I had met a group of people down at Texas State who also resided in the Dallas Fort Worth area, which is where I'm from. And so even though I met them down there, we all came back for the summer and kind of continued to party at home whenever we were out of school. And it was just like pool parties and like kind of going to some clubs and stuff. And I wouldn't say I got mixed in with the wrong crowd, but I Started to network a little bit to where I was introduced to a little bit more than just alcohol and weed and like the occasional Xanax. I started doing some molly and ecstasy and acid and shrooms.

Courtney Proper:
And none of that was because I felt the need to find a different high. I just wanted to, like, experiment. I wanted to, like, live my life and do all the things that I never. And I started dating a guy who was like the life of the party. And so I was the life of the party because I was with him and he never forced me to do anything. We didn't have an abusive relationship or anything like that. But he definitely got me an array of different drugs. And we'd go to raves and we'd go to see a certain DJ and stuff and it was fun.

Courtney Proper:
I would do the club drugs there, but I was never addicted to those because, I mean, I don't know how familiar you are with them, but there's only so much serotonin that you can drain that gives you like the high. So again, I would do those things when they're around when there's events, like if a certain, like I said, a DJ was coming into town or if there was a rave or whatever, we would go to it and it was fun. And to me at the time, it was still pretty innocent. We were 20, 21 year olds, just kind of like being 20 and 21 year old. And then we went back to school after the summer of sophomore year and that is junior year. And we actually were allowed to live off campus as juniors and seniors, as upperclassmen. And me and a couple girls from my dorm previously, we got an apartment together. And so that is kind of.

Courtney Proper:
We didn't have a residence a checking in on us. We didn't have like a curfew. So we were off campus like completely adults. I was still dependent on my parents. My parents still, God bless them, paid for everything. They paid for my rent and all of that. But I guess that freedom was a little bit too much for me to handle. There's four of us.

Courtney Proper:
It was a four bedroom apartment, so it wasn't. We all kind of fed off of each other a bit, but I was definitely the one that wanted the parties, who wanted to host the parties at that point when it was just the four of us. And I was like, yeah, let's do this. And they're like, no, we have finals. That's when I kind of started to pick up like, okay, well, I guess I'm just the party girl out of the four of Us. And that might have been a little hint that I could have had a problem. But again, I mean, we were in a whole apartment complex full of college kids. I mean, you look down off the balcony, and there's always people at the pool drinking.

Courtney Proper:
And I kind of started a thing where I had so many different groups of friends. No matter what, I knew someone was partying or drinking or whatever. So, like, even if my roommates had to study for finals, I could. I could call whoever, and they were like, oh, yeah, I don't have classes. Hey, let's go to the bar. Or. So I had my feelers out. I kind of knew everyone's schedule.

Courtney Proper:
I kind of knew who liked to go to what bars on what days, who had the specials. In junior year is when I turned 21, also, so I was able to kind of go and do my thing without having someone to buy it for me or things like that. So then I kind of realized I was drinking a little bit more than everybody else, but there was always still someone drinking more than me. Like, I was still not the worst out of the whole campus. I was not the one who partied the hardest. And I never did the Greek thing. I was never, never in a sorority, But I was dating a guy who was in a fraternity, and they had keggers, and Greek life is a whole thing. Yeah.

Courtney Proper:
And so that didn't help. But, yeah, I just really enjoyed it. I thought I was before I started drinking and drugging. Like, I liked everybody. You know, people liked me. I was social and stuff, But I think as I was doing it more and more, I thought that people liked me better when I was drunk and high and stuff. And I was the party girl, and I had that boyfriend that was the life of the party. And I almost think maybe it was, like, kind of expected of me to always be the life of the party.

Courtney Proper:
But later on, I found out that I was way more of a nuisance and, like, an embarrassment the more I drank, because with a lot of drugs and stuff, you do it often. You develop a tolerance, and so you start to do more of it. And you can only do that for so long before people are just like, take her home.

Jennifer Norman:
Right, right. So there seems like there was this trend towards you feeling like there was always an excuse to be able to do it because somebody else was always is doing it a little bit more. And so it was. It never really occurred to you that it was a significant problem. There must have been a moment or at least a period of time where there were warning Signals and people would either hint at it or the issues would crop up. Where there gets to be this place where you're starting to get to a danger zone and then of course there is a crash or some calamities happen. And so I'm just curious for you, what did that look and feel like? And do you think in hindsight that you would have wished that anybody would have been little bit sterner with you or that you would have done anything differently?

Courtney Proper:
I definitely know my roommates, like Courtney, we need to chill out. Like we're still students. We're not just like adults doing what we want. And there was lots of times where I would black out. I just wouldn't remember anything. And my friends would be like, they showed me their phone, they'd be like, do you remember this? Do you remember that? I'm just like, no and no. And that became a trend. Wasn't like a one or two time thing.

Courtney Proper:
It was almost every weekend where I would drink so much, where I would drink and combine it with a Xanax or a pill or something that I don't even remember doing. So that right there I definitely knew I was drinking more than a normal person because my roommates could remember the night before and the people I was with, they had no problem telling me how the sequence of events occurred. And whenever I went home for the holidays my junior year, I mean I did not want anything to do with my parents. I was still staying with them. But I was like, I need to get out of here. Like y'all are suffocating me. I have got, I've got to go. And so I don't think that was really like a sign that I had a problem.

Courtney Proper:
I was just like used to my own apartment now. It wasn't just like, oh, I came from one the dorm to my parents house. Now I left my apartment to come home for the holidays. And since apartments don't close, I only came back for a few days for Christmas. I went down for Thanksgiving. I was like, I got to get out of here. And I drove back to St. Marcos.

Courtney Proper:
And then it was Christmas, I drove down, I was like, okay, like I've had enough, I'm going to go back to school now. So that cut off from my family, like not wanting to spend the entirety of my break or even just more than a couple days was not how I was. We were a close knit family. It was very a slap in the face to them for starters because they paid my rent and I only want to spend time with them like that's kind of messed up. But I had people waiting for me to party in San Marcos. Like, I could not be bothered with the holiday stuff. Like, I had to get back to the party. And so those little things started to happen.

Courtney Proper:
And I would wake up when I was staying with my parents for the couple days for the holidays, and, like, I would kind of be itching to drink. You know what I mean? I would be like, okay, like, I need to go out. And at that point, I didn't care if it was with somebody. Like, I just wanted to get out and go drink. And so that in hindsight, that was definitely an indicator of, okay, so this is a problem because now you don't even care if you're drinking with someone. Like, you just want to get out of the house and drink. I was like, well, I'm dealing with my parents. Like, I had an excuse for it.

Courtney Proper:
I was like, okay, well, I'm just really stressed out. Like, my parents are crowding me. So, like, even though I wasn't drinking with people, I still was using my parents as an excuse to go out and drink, even by myself. And that wasn't like me either. So slowly, over time, all the things that were normal, drinking with people, drinking on campus, going to the frat parties, slowly, I didn't need that kind of excuse to drink. Like, I was just an adult, so I could drink on my own if I wanted to. And vodka was my drink of choice. I wasn't really a beer person.

Courtney Proper:
I would drink if it was around. And wine was okay, but it gave me really bad hangovers. So, like, vodka was my first, was like, my love. And you can get really cheap vodka. And. And I would. I wouldn't even mix drinks. Like, I would just drink it straight.

Courtney Proper:
And I knew that was kind of of not super normal also because girls would be like, oh, yeah, like, get orange juice, get all the mixers, like, make a fun cocktail. And for me, I would just be like, just give me the bottle. Like, I don't even pour it in a glass. Just like, let me chug a few drinks. And so that also isn't normal. So I kind of was starting to know that I had a problem. I had a couple of public intoxication tickets over the couple years, and I had a possession of marijuana tickets or arrest, but again, all misdemeanors. Like, nothing major, no accidents, no nothing that you would be like, oh, man.

Courtney Proper:
Like, you obvious, obviously have a problem. It was just. It was just minor stuff. So that's kind of how I Got away with it in my head of, yeah, you're getting in trouble a little bit. But, like, at least it's not this. At least you haven't gotten in a car accident or whatever. But after junior year, my grades were still fine. I mean, this whole time, I was able to maintain grades.

Courtney Proper:
I don't know if I just lucked out with easy professors or if the curriculum was just kind of easy for me, but I never flunked out. I mean, that was never a problem. And so I used that, too, in my head, like, okay, so, like, you'll drink alone, but you're still a great student. Like, you still have a 3.0. There's nothing. Nothing. There's no deficit in your academia, your jobs, all that.

Jennifer Norman:
So, yeah, that tends to be something that is an addiction, like a blanket security blanket is that they have these issues. Well, things are going well. I would still be able to hold a job or I'd still be able to get. If I had a problem, I wouldn't be doing great in school.

Courtney Proper:
Right.

Jennifer Norman:
That's always kind of the way to bolster and continue the behavior.

Courtney Proper:
Yeah. And that's how I was through college. But later on, when I started doing harder stuff, I was not functioning at all. You know, they call it a functioning addict when you can still drink or take your pills and still maintain everything. I was not functional once I started doing a little bit harder stuff. So after my junior year, when my rent, when my lease was up, my parents, like, okay, Courtney, like, you're coming home. And I was like, what are you talking about? Like, I have one more year left where I get my degree. Like, that would mean the last three years was a waste of your money, a waste of my time.

Courtney Proper:
Like, this is stupid. Like, no, I'm not coming home. But I did not have the finances to pay for rent and college and books and all of that. That. So I didn't really have a choice. I went kicking and screaming. But when the lease was up, I mean, they came down, they got all my stuff, we got packed up, and they. They drugged me back home.

Courtney Proper:
I mean, I. I did not have a say in the matter, but I was livid. I was so mad and tried to. To level with me, they're like, this is why we're doing it. You know, I'd been arrested enough times where they were paying a lot of bail money and stuff, and again, just misdemeanors, but they always got me out. And they're like, courtney, we can't afford bail money and tuition and your rent. Like, it's absurd for you to even think that. But, you know, in my head, I'm just like, it's absur to pull me because I have one more year left, two semesters before a degree.

Courtney Proper:
But in hindsight, I'm glad they did, because any day I could have done something really stupid as far as driving drunk or possibly ODing or something. So looking back now, I'm glad they pulled me when they did, because it could have saved me from even worse consequences than I'd already had previously. But when I came back home, I mean, so this was 2010, I believe I drank nonstop. I mean, I lived with my dad. My mom, she was not done with me. Like, I'm not talking to you, but she's like, you're not going to drink in my house. And so I live with my dad. He was a little bit more lenient.

Courtney Proper:
He didn't agree with how much I drank, but he had trouble with boundaries. He wasn't going to, like, kick me out. I was his firstborn, and so he let me live there as long as I was working. And I did things like waitressing and just, like, BS jobs just to keep a little bit of finances flowing to pay for drinking. But the two years I was home, really three years, I mean, it is just all such a blur. There was not a single day that I went by without drinking. I tried to go to rehab a couple times just to appease them, but it wasn't of my own accord. It was just because they're like, okay, Courtney, like, you need to get help.

Courtney Proper:
And a couple more charges, public intoxications, but nothing major. I mean, I slid under the radar for a long time without any major consequences. But, yeah, I did three stints in rehab, about six months apart each. And it was always after I had gotten arrested. And I was like, okay, bail me out and I'll go to rehab. Always, that sort of thing. And in 2013, December of 2013, I actually got a DWI. I had to go to jail for a month.

Courtney Proper:
My parents were not going to bail me out. It was December 7th, I believe, right before Christmas. And I sat Christmas in jail, New Year's in jail. And I was like, I can't believe they're not billing me out. Like, all the other times they bailed me out. What's going on? And so whenever I was in there, that was the longest sobriety I had. I was like, okay, like, I really do need to go and get help.

Courtney Proper:
So I got released from jail in January, and I went to rehab and I came out 30 days later and I picked up right where I left off. I have no reason why. I was just so uncomfortable not drinking. Like I'd been doing it for so long. And at rehab, they tried to equip you with the tools to deal with life, but I wasn't having it. And in my head, it still hadn't got bad enough. The DWI was still a misdemeanor, and I was like, okay, well, I'll just drive better or I just won't drink and drive next time. So I had, with the time in jail and the time in rehab, about two months of sobriety.

Courtney Proper:
And I relapsed again. And I actually rehooked up with a guy from high school that I had known. We weren't really friends back then, but we started, like, doing our thing, hanging out, nothing serious. And he actually ended up getting me pregnant. And I did not find out about that until six weeks after we'd broken up. So, I mean, this was like maybe a five week, month, five week thing. And he had already had two other kids with two other women, and he actually got someone else pregnant, like, right after I told him I was pregnant. So I knew he wasn't gonna be around.

Courtney Proper:
And I didn't want that for my kid, but I wanted to be there for my kids. So I actually was able to stop everything once I found out I was pregnant. And for the duration of the pregnancy, I did not do anything. No drinking, no nothing at all. And I had her in February of 2015, and I tried the breastfeeding thing, and that wasn't really our cup of tea. And again, just like, when I got out of rehab the most recent time, there was just something in my head that was like, you were able to stay sober for nine months during your pregnancy. Like, you can have a drink, you'll be fine. And I was not fine.

Courtney Proper:
I cannot just have one drink. There is no such thing as that. Because once I take one sip, like, I do not want to stop. And I can't explain that. That's just kind of how addicts are. And so after she was born, after the breastfeeding fail, I just started drinking as much as I was before, if not more. And now I had a baby. And so to counteract the drinking, like passing out and blacking out, I started doing a bunch of cocaine.

Courtney Proper:
And that ended up getting kind pricey and my nose, like, hated me. And one time my dealer was out, but he had crystal meth. And I mean, that trumped everything, that was like my new best friend. I didn't care if I had another drink of alcohol ever again as long as I had crystal meth. And I met someone in this timeframe who I wasn't, like, in love with, but he was in love with me. He was okay that I had a child. He was okay that I was doing what I was doing. And so to me, I was like, oh, my gosh, winner.

Courtney Proper:
And so we ended up getting married in August of 2017. So Braylee, my daughter, was 2 1/2ish. And come December of 2017, so less than five months later, my husband actually, he had some clean time when I met him, but he relapsed because of me. And we were arguing a lot. We were accusing each other of being cheating on one another, all the things.

Courtney Proper:
And ironically, again, December 11th, I think it was. I was at home, my husband was at work, and all of a sudden this lady came and was knocking on the door, and she's like, my name is whatever. I'm with CPS. And I was like, what? Like, what even are you saying right now? And of course I was high. Once I started meth, I was always high. I mean, I was up for days on end. I didn't do it around my daughter. Like, I would go to the bathroom or something. But I mean, I was always high.

Courtney Proper:
So I was high when I answered the door and she told me who she was. And she's like, we have anonymous tips saying there's been, like, abuse or neglect in the household, and we need you to comply with an oral swab drug test. And I was like, no, I'm not doing that. And she was like, okay, well, you don't have to, but I've been instructed not to allow you to leave the premises with your daughter or be at home alone with her, because we take these allegations very seriously. And if you can't comply with what we're asking, then we're going to have to open up an investigation and the whole thing. And so that day, my mom came and she took my daughter. And the lady was like, we're going to call you back for a UA, a urine analysis test, and then go from there. And I thought I could get away with it by bringing fake urine.

Courtney Proper:
I couldn't. I didn't. And so when the test came back, I mean, I had like, meth and weed and hydrocodone and GHB and all these things in my system. And so that's when the CPS thing started. And I wish I could say I got clean right after that, but it actually got worse before it got better. This happened in December. By January, I was using needles. I mean, I was shooting up because I could not get high enough anymore.

Courtney Proper:
Now I had all this guilt, like, okay, God blessed me with this beautiful baby. And here I am like screwing it all up. But I just could not stop. And I tried. I even told my dealer, like, don't sell to me, like, just help me stop. And of course they're not going to comply. Like, business is business. And so it wasn't until February of 2018 where I got pulled over and I got my first felony.

Courtney Proper:
It was a possession of controlled substance, but it was meth and it was a lot of it. And I had a needle in the car, a pipe in the car. And so those were big, big charges. Never had I felony, but this was the one. And so I got arrested and then I got picked up the next day. And the deal was to go straight to rehab. Well, my parents weren't there when I got released and so I like walked over to the gas station because I didn't want to go to rehab sober. And I got so wasted just on like wine, like a little gas station wine.

Courtney Proper:
And I blacked out. And they told me that I wanted to see my daughter before going to rehab, but I was so obliterated, they did not want me around her. And I like, apparently I like pushed my mom out of the way because I was trying to go into her house to see my daughter. So my mom called the cops and I got a domestic violence charge. That's three charges in 24 hours. And anyways, the next day I got released. That was on March 2nd. Got released and went straight to Valley Hope, which is the treatment center I went to.

Courtney Proper:
They checked me in. I had so much in my system. I weighed 117 pounds and I'm 6ft tall. So I was like a skeleton. And I went in there. This time, very different mentality than previously because now I was facing a felony charge which I had never faced before. Now I had a CPS case, which I had no idea the kind of authority they had, like I needed to get right. So this time was different because there was way more at stake.

Courtney Proper:
It was my child and felony charges. And so I completed the 30 day program. It was a different facility than I'd been to previously. And I got out of there and I did exactly what they told me to do. I started going to NA and AA meetings. I got a sponsor -- CPS had a whole list of things that they wanted me to do to try and get my daughter back. And it was really hard the first couple of months, as it is usually with newly sober people. But I had such a good support system.

Courtney Proper:
I mean, my mom got temporary custody while I was getting my act together. She always let me see my daughter as long as I wasn't using or drinking. And so I feel very humbled because I know a lot of people too that really want to get straight and they want to do the right thing. They do not have that kind of support. And it is so, so important. And what I've come to find out, especially like since TikTok and Zoom and since COVID basically when everything is forced to be virtual, there are so many resources out there. So while I was so blessed to have my physical family with me, I met a lot of people who don't have anybody, but they find help where it is. There's just so many places you can go, you know, websites.

Courtney Proper:
The recovery community is huge on social media right now. And so knowing what I know now, like, I'm so grateful that I had people for me, but I'm also grateful that technology has evolved the way it has because I know not everybody has that. Very blessed and very, very grateful that I had that support. So for those who are struggling or who don't have physical people around them or they had to move far away to get out of that environment, there's just so, so many resources out there to help you. And for me, my AA and NA meetings helped me so much. I went back to church. Obviously I didn't say this, but it was kind of implied. I stopped going to church when I went to college because.

Courtney Proper:
And I had to look around for a good group. Not all groups, I feel like, are for everybody. It's not like a one size fits all. And luckily I found a group that I really vibed with. They were kind of younger people. A lot of them had kids, A lot of them had similar type CPS issues. And I worked the 12 steps, I got back in touch with my higher power, which is God. And I did everything I had to do to just not drink or drug for that day.

Courtney Proper:
There's some recommendations that were given to me that I didn't really care for that much, but I was able to find what worked for me and I just kept doing that. There was a lot of days where I just felt so down and depressed. I mean, the CPS hurdles, I had to go through all the hoops, I had to jump through. It seemed never ending. But I was able to get my felony expunged. I got a really good lawyer. I had to do drug court, which was super intense. I was not a fan.

Courtney Proper:
But I did it. I did it because I had to do what I had to do for my daughter. I mean, she was my driving force. She was my motivation. There was no going back now. And then slowly, over time, I had a month clean. I had two months clean. I got six months clean. I had a year clean.

Courtney Proper:
And I still wasn't able to get her back. So CPS needed more. I needed more consistent employment. I needed more clean time. And so I actually did not get her back until I was four years clean. Now, granted, I still got to hang out with her. My mom still let her come over.

Courtney Proper:
I was never estranged from her. I was always there. I just didn't officially have custody. And that was super discouraging. I went through a time where I had this, like, entitlement phase. And I was mad at God because I was like, I'm doing everything right. Like, why are you making this so, so hard? But in hindsight also, and I mentioned this in my book, if I had got her back when I thought I deserved her back, bad things could happen. Like, I might have relapsed because I would have been like, oh, like, I got her back.

Courtney Proper:
This is no big deal. So I had to be patient through the wait. And I think that made me stronger as a mother. It got me way more grounded in my sobriety. I was able to network a little bit more. And I don't get too triggered or tripped up these days. And I'm always so busy, like, especially with her now. But I don't think I know God allowed me to get her back when I got her back because of his plan.

Courtney Proper:
I feel like every day, sometimes we, like God's fighting demons for us that we know nothing about. And had I got her back when I wanted her back, it might not have lasted my sobriety or our relationship or what have you. So that was a really hard lesson for me to learn the patience thing, because I got clean, and I thought instantly, everything should be fine. Like, hey, no more drugs. Like, let me have a great life. But it took a lot of work, and I had to practice a lot of patience and humility because things did not happen on my timeline at all. But so grateful for the way they did happen because I'm able to have a really great relationship with her. And I'm pretty solid in my recovery, and I'm able to, like, talk about it and hopefully help someone else who might be going through similar battles.

Jennifer Norman:
Your mom, I just want to reach out and hug her wherever she is. I mean. And your dad, I mean, I think it seems he's been rock solid support for you. And what do you say to family members or friends of somebody who is struggling with addiction? What are some of the ways that you think that they can best provide support without enabling behavior?

Courtney Proper:
Yeah, so, I mean, that's a big one, the enabling thing. Because I know a lot of people only know how to show love by, like, providing for them or giving them money or even just a place to live or food or whatever. And it's hard to tell someone what to do if you don't know their dynamic, like, the history there. But for me, my parents had to let me sit out in jail. I had to kind of fall on my butt a few times. And that's a hard question. I feel like the best answer is to let them make their mistakes, because that's the only way that I learned. But to love them through it too, because I know there can be a lot of lack of support.

Courtney Proper:
Like I mentioned, when someone goes off to rehab, I mean, I went a few times and I relapsed the first three times. So, like, for a lot of people, like, that would be it. Like, okay, like, you went to rehab, you're not going to stay clean. Like, I'm done with you. So I would just say, like, never withdraw your support. Do what you have to do as far as maybe cutting off money or saying like, no, you can't come to family function when you're in toxic. But, like, always love them through it, because there's no such thing as a lost cause. You know what I mean? I would not be here today had my family not been there for me.

Courtney Proper:
So it's hard and it's heartbreaking. You know, addiction is like a family disease. It was not just me it affected. I mean, it trickled down. And the love and the support is the only thing that was able to, like, keep me grounded whenever I needed it the most. So it's hard to say that, and it's even harder to do. But there's a few families that have reached out, and all I can tell them is just, like, make sure they know that you're there for them, like, that you will never leave them, no matter how bad it gets. Like, you will always be there.

Courtney Proper:
You can't love them to death by enabling them, but whenever they're ready that you will be there. To support them and you'll do whatever it takes to help them stay on the stray and arrow. That's so much easier said than done. And that's why it's hard to, like, say that, because there's so much gravity to those words that it takes a lot of perseverance. And you have to keep, like, the end goal in mind because it's so easy. Just be like, okay, here's 20 bucks. Or stuff. You never know what could be like, someone's last high and you don't want to be responsible for that.

Courtney Proper:
So, like, cutting off money and stuff is a big thing, but just making sure they know that you're there for them. That's what got me through. So it's hard, though.

Jennifer Norman:
It is difficult to say because there are many different dynamics at play. A lot of people want to feel protective and try to lessen the fall. And so, yeah, the idea of letting that person fall on their butt and make the mistakes is painful to think about for some, but is nothing for that person to be able to learn and truly absorb the lesson. What's that you hope that listeners would take away from your story and experiences.

Courtney Proper:
So definitely that no one is too far gone. I feel like I hit a pretty deep rock bottom, but I've met so many people who had way worse than me. I mean, I'm still so grateful that my circumstances were as they were. And I've met people in the rooms that have become like, lawyers and have like, doctorates and PhDs and all of a sudden, so, like, I look at these people who came back from way worse than me, and they're doing like, so many great things. And so, like, nobody is ever too far gone. I mean, I've read so many books and articles and watched documentaries and stuff. And they can do it. You can do it.

Courtney Proper:
Like, we're all special in our own way, but, like, no one is super unique if someone can get through it. Even if one person gets through it, like, you can too. And the other thing, just emphasizing the resource availability. There's just. I mean, you just have to Google stuff. I mean, it's all out there. It's silly to have to say I don't have money or I can't afford it. Like, that's not an excuse you can use as an excuse that's not valid because there's so much available.

Courtney Proper:
So just if you want to get help, it's available. You have to want it bad enough to get it for yourself.

Jennifer Norman:
I appreciate you very, very much. Thanks so much.

Courtney Proper:
Of course. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

Jennifer Norman:
Thank you for listening to The Human Beauty Movement Podcast. Be sure to follow, follow rate and review us wherever you stream podcasts The Human Beauty Movement is a community based platform that cultivates the beauty of humankind. Check out our workshops, find us on social media, and share our inspiration with all the beautiful humans in your life. Learn more at thehumanbeautymovement.com. Thank you so much for being a beautiful human.